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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Surname predicament

52 replies

whatamess100 · 05/09/2023 12:53

I have a child with xh who has a double barrel surename, expecting no2 with new partner and i don't know what to do. Our surnames both begin with L , it doesn't sound too bad together,I've deffinently heard worse.

Thing is my partner would love his surname only but said he will compromise with a double barrel but in all honestly in not keen and my close family said they dont think it sounds right/dont think i should go double barrel again. they think i should give baby my maiden name and not my partners. ( they get on so its not because of that. partner isnt up for this at all.

I've got reservations with having two children by two different men, both with double barrel surnames, i find it embarrassing. But equily im not keen on giving him my partners surname because I'd like a connection to the baby, and it also doesn't feel right to give him my maiden name.

I dont want to upset the partner, but if i give him his name or settle for double barrel, i won't be 100% happy either.
I honestly dont know what to do. I've got 9 weeks to go, and im at a total loss.

Any suggestions.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Missedmytoe · 05/09/2023 12:55

As a general rule, I'd say go with your surname if you're not married to the father.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 05/09/2023 12:56

I'd go with your surname even if married (no way would I change my name).

QuillBill · 05/09/2023 12:57

I think you should give your baby your maiden name.

Hotcuppatea · 05/09/2023 12:59

Would your partner's surname work as a middle name?

DuchessOfSausage · 05/09/2023 13:34

Your surname.

Callmesleepy · 05/09/2023 13:49

Double barrelled so they feel like a sibling. Relationships are about compromise from both of you.

LadyDanburysHat · 05/09/2023 13:52

Thing is my partner would love his surname only but said he will compromise with a double barrel

He can love all he wants, but he has not married you and asked you to take his name, so he should shut up. You should name the baby with your surname only.

MarshyMcMarshFace · 05/09/2023 13:58

Double barrelled with both your surnames
or
Your name with his as a middle name.

It isn’t embarrassing to have 2 kids with different surnames , and presumably your eldest has your surname as part of the double barrel? Why would that be more embarrassing than having one with yours and ex’s name and one with current partner’s name?

It might be better for your eldest to see that their half sibling has the same naming principle as they do. They are being treated equally.

The only way to have had both your kids have the same surname was to give both your name alone and that ship has sailed.

MarshyMcMarshFace · 05/09/2023 14:00

LadyDanburysHat · 05/09/2023 13:52

Thing is my partner would love his surname only but said he will compromise with a double barrel

He can love all he wants, but he has not married you and asked you to take his name, so he should shut up. You should name the baby with your surname only.

Or the OP could suggest they marry and the Dp takes her name. In that case the baby could have his name, non double barrelled.

However, I bet he will not be up for this suggestion.

TheWrenTheWren · 05/09/2023 14:01

Your surname.

Which isn't your 'maiden name', it's just your name. (I'm married and DS has my surname and DH's surname. It didn't occur to me to change my name on marriage, which is vanishingly rare in my circles.)

SleepingStandingUp · 05/09/2023 14:15

I'd double barrel. So if ex is Smith, you're Love and new DP is Lane
If eldest is Derek Smith Love I'd name new baby Gary Lane Love

If eldest is Derek Love Smith I'd name new baby Gary Love Lane.

So the you it is in the same place.

HowcanIhelp123 · 05/09/2023 14:21

Double barrel.

You want the connection of baby having your name and so does he. Having both is fair. Its not your partners or babies fault you feel embarrassed about having kids with different dads.

pamshortsbrokenbothherlegs · 05/09/2023 14:24

Just double barrel. Baby has a part-name connection to you, their dad, and their sibling. I genuinely don't see the problem especially if you think they sound ok together.

Also I can't stand men who think they should have full rights to their kids surname, married or not. 😒

Ponderingwindow · 05/09/2023 14:26

If you were married, flip a coin to pick the surname.
since you are not, baby should have your name.

TomatoSandwiches · 05/09/2023 14:26

LadyDanburysHat · 05/09/2023 13:52

Thing is my partner would love his surname only but said he will compromise with a double barrel

He can love all he wants, but he has not married you and asked you to take his name, so he should shut up. You should name the baby with your surname only.

This, it's not within his power and he has no rights in regard to babys surname as an unmarried father.
He should have thought about that.
You would be generous giving his surname as a middle name.

HowcanIhelp123 · 05/09/2023 15:17

OP has not given a huge amount of detail. She hasn't said how long she has been with new partner, if baby was planned or if they have plans to marry. For all we know he could want to marry and she not due to her first marriage.

Ultimately he is that, a partner. If you want a long-lasting relationship it involves compromise and taking each others feelings into account. He has made it clear he wants baby to have his surname, he's happy with the double barrel compromise. Each should understand the others position because they both want the same thing - the name connection to baby. There is also precedent as first child is double barreled.

OP could say I'm the mum I'm not going to respect your feelings and discount them entirely and do what I want, but don't expect a partner to take it well and relationship to last afterwards. If you split, he could well take you to court and ask for double barrelling and he would quite likely be awarded it if he's a present and active part of babies life, same as when mums take dads to court to double barrel with maiden name.

If he was a short term fling, oops I'm pregnant, no longer together, dad not sure about involvement then by all means baby gets just mums surname. In an established relationship that you want to continue and dad will be active part of babies life, it's fair you both want your names there and that's what should happen.

Original poster

whatamess100 · 05/09/2023 15:39

Ok well, thanks for everyones opinions and suggestions.

To be clear, it is my maiden name as im still married to xh but that's a whole other thread. Im in the process of deedpol.

He feels very strongly about the baby taking my surname only and we will not be getting married in the future, he's going through a nasty divorce and neither of us want to get married again but we are very commited to one another and have been together nearly 2years.

Ive just had an idea, i thought about giving baby his surname as a middle name he may be up for that so its on the birth citificate.

OP posts:

Mummy08m · 05/09/2023 15:43

If you're still married, does your "ex" husband automatically have paternal responsibility for your new baby? My understanding of the law is shaky but I thought this was the case.

Anyway, I vote your maiden name for sure.

Gnomegnomegnome · 05/09/2023 15:47

I would double barrel. You don’t want to marry and neither does he, he doesn’t want just your name and you don’t want just his. You both need to compromise.

SwimSwim · 05/09/2023 16:17

I had my children before marriage and double barrelled. For me it was double barrell or my surname as the only choices. We've since married and changed the children's names to my husbands (and now my) surname. It cost £10 each to re-register their birth certificates, so is very easy to change later.

TheWayofBeing · 05/09/2023 19:15

Double barrell. Kids will share one of their names and there's less risk of you split with new partner.

If he wants kid to have just his he can marry you.

mumyes · 05/09/2023 19:18

Your surname. I massively regret not giving my baby my surname. It's very hard to change it afterwards.

TheWayofBeing · 05/09/2023 19:19

I doubt he'll be ok with his surname as a middle name. I'd just double barell - it's normal in Latin countries.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 05/09/2023 21:23

@Mummy08m I've never heard of an ex husband having parental responsibility for a baby that's not his. Don't think that's correct.

Mummy08m · 05/09/2023 21:27

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 05/09/2023 21:23

@Mummy08m I've never heard of an ex husband having parental responsibility for a baby that's not his. Don't think that's correct.

He's not an ex, that's the point I was making. They're still married

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