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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Surname predicament

52 replies

whatamess100 · 05/09/2023 12:53

I have a child with xh who has a double barrel surename, expecting no2 with new partner and i don't know what to do. Our surnames both begin with L , it doesn't sound too bad together,I've deffinently heard worse.

Thing is my partner would love his surname only but said he will compromise with a double barrel but in all honestly in not keen and my close family said they dont think it sounds right/dont think i should go double barrel again. they think i should give baby my maiden name and not my partners. ( they get on so its not because of that. partner isnt up for this at all.

I've got reservations with having two children by two different men, both with double barrel surnames, i find it embarrassing. But equily im not keen on giving him my partners surname because I'd like a connection to the baby, and it also doesn't feel right to give him my maiden name.

I dont want to upset the partner, but if i give him his name or settle for double barrel, i won't be 100% happy either.
I honestly dont know what to do. I've got 9 weeks to go, and im at a total loss.

Any suggestions.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Mummy08m · 05/09/2023 21:30

I mean, in the eyes of the law, rather than emotionally etc

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 05/09/2023 22:15

I understand that OP is still married to her ex... I've never heard of a man having PR in this situation.

YellowDots · 05/09/2023 22:18

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 05/09/2023 21:23

@Mummy08m I've never heard of an ex husband having parental responsibility for a baby that's not his. Don't think that's correct.

Yes, he isn't her ex husband he's her actual husband.

So until the baby is registered the law presumes the baby is the husbands baby.

So if anything happens to the mother in these circumstances legally the husband is the next of kin and would legally be the one who was making any decisions that needed to be made.

HowcanIhelp123 · 05/09/2023 22:21

@Mummy08m is technically right:

https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/parental-responsibility/

As the husband he is assumed in law terms to be the dad and has parental responsibility from birth. He could register the baby without OPs or the biological fathers knowledge or consent if he wished.

I would assume OP has taken legal advice on this, doubt the ex would want to be liable for CMS for the child so I assume he wouldn't be diffcult about it!

Parental Responsibility - Rights of Women

Click here to download the PDF guide to Children and the law: parental responsibility Who has Parental Responsibility?How can an unmarried father who does not automatically have PR obtain it?What about non-parents?What does having PR mean?What will the...

https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/parental-responsibility

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 05/09/2023 22:25

Don't want to derail this thread with a discussion about PR but @Mummy08m has raised a good point. I've been looking online and the only thing I can find is this: It is presumed in law that if you are married at the time of your child’s birth your child is the biological child of your husband.

As OP is married to her ex-husband it would definitely be worth looking into whether he can claim PR. I'd be astounded if he could but if anyone knows how the law works in this situation I'd be interested to know.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 05/09/2023 22:27

Sorry. A few cross posts going on. I'm agog that OPs husband could claim PR.

AuntieEsther · 05/09/2023 22:28

Why would he have an issue with you giving the baby your surname only but be happy for the baby to have his only? What's that about?

Original poster

whatamess100 · 06/09/2023 18:12

Goodness me, I'm shocked at the PR situation. Tbh he won't claim PR we have one child together who he stuggles to give the bare minimum to so its unlikely.

OP posts:

jallopeno · 06/09/2023 18:15

whatamess100 · 05/09/2023 15:39

Ok well, thanks for everyones opinions and suggestions.

To be clear, it is my maiden name as im still married to xh but that's a whole other thread. Im in the process of deedpol.

He feels very strongly about the baby taking my surname only and we will not be getting married in the future, he's going through a nasty divorce and neither of us want to get married again but we are very commited to one another and have been together nearly 2years.

Ive just had an idea, i thought about giving baby his surname as a middle name he may be up for that so its on the birth citificate.

Give him your surname only then

MaybeanothertimeNotReally · 06/09/2023 18:21

You should use the surname on your birth certificate as that's your maiden name not your married surname that you share with your stbxh. Your exes surname has no connect to the new baby with a different partner.

HowcanIhelp123 · 06/09/2023 18:43

whatamess100 · 06/09/2023 18:12

Goodness me, I'm shocked at the PR situation. Tbh he won't claim PR we have one child together who he stuggles to give the bare minimum to so its unlikely.

It's not that he would claim it, he has it automatically from the second you give birth simply by being married to you. He doesn't need to claim it. You should seek legal advice on what to do:

https://www.majorfamilylaw.co.uk/the-legal-status-of-fatherhood/Fathers in English lawEnglish family law is no exception to this tendency: if a man is married to the mother at the time of a child’s birth, he automatically receives the status of father. This applies even if his wife is acting as a surrogate mother for another couple. In almost all such cases he will have no genetic relationship to the child, but still be legally classed as the child’s father and listed on the child’s birth certificate.

The legal status of fatherhood - Major Family Law

There are many differences between motherhood and fatherhood, but the biggest and most significant occurs on the day of the birth. Motherhood is certain: there…

https://www.majorfamilylaw.co.uk/the-legal-status-of-fatherhood

Original poster

whatamess100 · 06/09/2023 18:46

I have to be honest its causing alot of tension.

My family are adamant baby should have my surname and not double barrel. Dp is adamant his name or double barrel and i just feel like im pissing everyone off.

OP posts:

HowcanIhelp123 · 06/09/2023 18:50

whatamess100 · 06/09/2023 18:46

I have to be honest its causing alot of tension.

My family are adamant baby should have my surname and not double barrel. Dp is adamant his name or double barrel and i just feel like im pissing everyone off.

Your family aren't the parents of the baby and get no say. You need to tell them to stick their noses out. Family should not feel any right to an opinion on a babies name, be it first, middle or last.

And yes, of course your partner is pissed off - your other childs name is double barreled and now you're saying you won't allow him the same. If it was the other way round and it was entirely his choice what the surname would be and he told you tough shit baby is having mine alone you'd be upset and pissed off too.

Maplestars · 06/09/2023 18:51

said he will compromise with a double barrel
how kind of him. Does he recognise that’s also a compromise for you? Or is that meant to be a great deal for you? How can he expect his name, but won’t even entertain your name?
If he doesn’t want to marry you, he has literally no legal rights to decide on the baby’s name, if anything you’re offering him a compromise by putting his surname as a middle name.

your posts are all about what your family want from you, what he wants from you. But what do you want? Do that.

Wishitsnows · 06/09/2023 18:51

Definitely seek legal advice. Hopefully he wouldn’t but your husband has the right to register the baby on his own and could call it tinky winky if he wanted to!

dancingsands · 06/09/2023 20:12

Your family have nothing to do with it, you are both happy with double barrelling the name so do that x

Septemberdaysarehere · 06/09/2023 20:17

LadyDanburysHat · 05/09/2023 13:52

Thing is my partner would love his surname only but said he will compromise with a double barrel

He can love all he wants, but he has not married you and asked you to take his name, so he should shut up. You should name the baby with your surname only.

This. Mine said I want my surname only and I said no. He ‘agreed. To double barallel ‘ but wouldn’t double barrelled his own but expected me and the children to have his. Both I and the children got mine and he kept his and never changed. Men need to grow the fuck up about this issue

GodDammitCecil · 06/09/2023 20:27

whatamess100 · 06/09/2023 18:46

I have to be honest its causing alot of tension.

My family are adamant baby should have my surname and not double barrel. Dp is adamant his name or double barrel and i just feel like im pissing everyone off.

There’s obviously more to this situation than we’re privy to (unsurprising, if you’re both still married to your exes, and expecting a baby within 2 years of getting together) - which is why your family have such a strong opinion on your baby’s surname.

I have zero time for men who aren’t interested in the commitment of marriage (fair enough, per se), but then insist that the baby must have their surname. 🙄

fearfuloffluff · 06/09/2023 20:32

Or you could combine names, I know couples who did this. So eg Ford and Hill become Fordhill or Hird etc.

You could both change names by deed poll without needing to marry. Firstborn could take new family name as middle name if they wanted.

My kids have DH name as second name and mine as middle name.

Rowen32 · 06/09/2023 20:45

TheWrenTheWren · 05/09/2023 14:01

Your surname.

Which isn't your 'maiden name', it's just your name. (I'm married and DS has my surname and DH's surname. It didn't occur to me to change my name on marriage, which is vanishingly rare in my circles.)

Have you regretted this at all, does it make it harder for your child/children in any way? I say because I've done the exact same as you but constantly getting comments about when babies are going to be referred to by just my husband's name and it's such a weight to put on them and they sound like kids whose parents aren't together.. And it bothers me a lot every time I say their names that they're being judged for a double barrell :-(
I should add the comments aren't from my husband or his family although be would prefer just his surname I think as its what done 99% of the time here..

whatsappdoc · 06/09/2023 21:34

I would take some time to consider why you don't think using your birth surname is 'right'. To me it's obviously the right name. If you were married double-barrelling is an option but otherwise stick to yours.

Mummy08m · 06/09/2023 23:04

whatamess100 · 06/09/2023 18:12

Goodness me, I'm shocked at the PR situation. Tbh he won't claim PR we have one child together who he stuggles to give the bare minimum to so its unlikely.

I just brought it up because imo you will get into various legal risks if you don't divorce your ex asap.

For example...have you made a Will? If not, your "ex"H is your next of kin. If you made a Will before you married your ex, it was invalidated when you got married. You need to make one if you haven't since the split.

I would feel very nervous having a baby if I was still married to another man (not the dad). I'm probably prejudiced but my own dad was vengeful and litigious after splitting with my mum. So much lehal carnage possible if an ex is still married to you.

Mummy08m · 06/09/2023 23:05

Legal carnage, I meant to write!

Mummy08m · 06/09/2023 23:07

Op when you say "ex won't claim PR" I think you're confusing parental responsibility with custody. PR is more than just custody, it also includes (for example) having some control over their assets.

MarshyMcMarshFace · 08/09/2023 12:08

It has nothing to do with your family! It is between you and the child’s father.

Just double barrel. His, and the name on your birth certificate.

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