Struggling to cope with baby name popularity

[Leeloo1233]

We had a tough time naming our baby. It took us really long, partly because I had severe PND and the name decision caused me a lot of anxiety. The names that I had always pictured I would give to my kids didn't work in my partner's language/culture. Every name seemed to cause me anxiety and I got lost in what I actually liked and didn't like until everything was a blur and we couldn't even narrow down our list of 20 names.

Eventually we picked a name that is quite common, but that my partner loves. I thought it was fine, and there was nothing else that I liked more and just wanted to giver her a name before I got more ill.

Now she's two, and I hear her name everywhere. And not just her name, but variations of the name to the point that every child seems to sound the same. We went to visit a daycare today that had three kids with a variation of her name, and I got so anxious I don't think I can choose that place, despite it being otherwise nice.

How do I cope with this and move past this? I feel so much regret that out of thousands of names we considered we settled for a name so boring and unimaginative.

Haven’t RTFT but this, definitely.

it took me a long time to realise this, I learnt about it on mumsnet.

Somebody on her once wrote the anxiety is like a hook and the “name” is the thing you’re hanging on it at the moment.

knowing that alone helped me.

I also looked up rumination and anxiety and have (somewhat) learned how to stop, or try and make myself stop

Your child's name is not the problem. It's just an obsession you're fixated on. If you changed the childs name, or sent it to a different nursery, your problem would not go away.

The real problem is your mental health issue and that's what you need to address, get some help with and resolve.

It really doesn’t matter outside of your own head, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a problem for you. It’s popular because most people think it’s beautiful though!

i wonder if you’re putting too much pressure on yourself to be perfect, choose the perfect name etc.

maybe it feeds into some overarching anxiety theme eg) about being the perfect parent, doing everything “right” etc. And that’s why it’s a trigger?

maybe not, I just know this is often an theme in my own thinking. Hopefully you’ll work out why it triggers you so much and make peace with it.

OP, can you rewrite the story about how you chose her name. I don’t mean lie, I mean reframe what happened. Imagine telling the story to your daughter when she’s older - 8 years old for example.
´When you were born it was really hard to choose a name for you. I had all these names in my head from when I was a little girl imagining growing up and having a family but because you are half me and half daddy, we needed a name that works in English and in (Dad’s language+culture). (Insert funny example of a name you liked that’s terrible in Dad’s language). Finally we decided on NAME. Daddy has always loved this name and now you are my favourite person named NAME in the whole world.’

OP, can you rewrite the story about how you chose her name. I don’t mean lie, I mean reframe what happened. Imagine telling the story to your daughter when she’s older - 8 years old for example.
´When you were born it was really hard to choose a name for you. I had all these names in my head from when I was a little girl imagining growing up and having a family but because you are half me and half daddy, we needed a name that works in English and in (Dad’s language+culture). (Insert funny example of a name you liked that’s terrible in Dad’s language). Finally we decided on NAME. Daddy has always loved this name and now you are my favourite person named NAME in the whole world.’

Two of my 3 kids have the most common popular names going. I didn't realise they were so popular in the UK as I had my kids abroad. When I realised that every other kid had the same name I shrugged to myself. They are still beautiful names.

My third kid has an usual name. It's beautiful, really lovely but OH.MY.GOSH! What a pain telling people...nobody gets it right, they call her everything but her name, people get so confused and embarrassed...at least you know where you stand with a popular name. My name is very unusual and it hasn't added much joy to my life tbh!

Your anxiety is maybe because you don't trust your judgement and feel frightened by how permanent naming someone is. A name can feel like a big responsibility and if you're suffering from anxiety, that responsibility can feel crushing. All of the top 10 names are nice, classic, respectable and timeless. The more unusual ones can be silly and cringey. Take comfort in the fact that you are in the company of lots of people who agree your child's name is lovely and get help with your anxiety.

I think @LittleLegoWoman 's advice is very good. You can still give her a beautiful story about her name, and although it may be a popular name, it doesn't make it any less unique to her. She is absolutely unique, there's no one else in the world just like her.

Another thing that I have always loved is when people have a beautiful story behind their name

actually I think this….

The names that I had always pictured I would give to my kids didn't work in my partner's language/culture. Eventually we picked a name that is quite common, but that my partner loves (edited from your first post)

….is a lovely story associated with being given a name. Particularly as it highlights both parents involvement over one particular parents reasons.

Does your dd have a less common middle name that you could use?

One of my children has a name that’s consistently in the top 5 names. We rarely meet another one. I still love the name. Don’t fret!

All it reminds me of is the horrible time of trying to name her, and if she ever asks me why we gave her that name, I don't know what to say.

I think this is where your problem lies. You’re equating her name with a sense of how much she means to you. Like choosing a name is a demonstration of your love. But people choose names for all sorts of reasons. You could try to unpick this a bit so you’re not reminded of anxiety when you think of her name.

My son has a top 5 name. I like it because it firstly because it sounds good. No other reason more meaningful than that. However it is also easy to spell, everyone knows it, recognises it and can say it which is a bonus.

I mean this kindly but it’s not your daughter’s name that is the problem here, it’s you and your anxiety.

What are you doing about getting your anxiety under control?

If it's a popular name it means it is a nice and usable name. Honestly it really is not an issue at all. I have a popular name from the early 80's 4 of us on my small uni course. It was not an issue and never has been.
It is better to have a name that can go anywhere and fit in than a rare made up name that makes everyone make assumptions about the parents! I work with children and if we can make a guess ( and be right) about demographics you have gone wrong!
put her down for the nice nursery, children love meeting others with the same name.
But please get some help for your mental health!

Rude much!?!?!

You’ve had some good advice, OP. Please do talk to the GP. You won’t realise how poorly
you have been feeling until you start treatment and begin to feel better.

Not rude in the slightest!

This. Big hugs OP

If my son ever asks me for the story of his name I'd have to tell him we ran out of ideas!

You really do need help with this as very little about parenting is perfect and you if you keep putting pressure on yourself to make things perfect you could end up quite ill.

I’ve experienced this exact same feeling with my second (and think it’s happening again now with my third) - just to say you DO get through it and you’d feel it whatever name you chose. I’m sure it’s lovely and won’t affect her one little bit! You’re doing brilliantly and I think seeking anxiety treatment is a good plan xx

If you'd called her something unusual you likely would be still anxious about the name but it'd manifest in a different way, as it doesn't sound like the name is the problem, as others have said.

Popular names are popular because they're usually nice. I think sometimes people on these boards want to choose an unusual name and forget that it has to be nice. I'd much rather be called any of the top 10 names than some of the names that get mentioned here.

If you think of it from your child's pov there are lots of advantages of having a popular name. There are no issues with pronunciation and there are key chains etc with her name of them. Children's books and tv shows usually have characters with popular names. You said your mother took your name from a book but maybe your daughter will find a book or tv show with a character she loves that shares her name.

My DS2 (now grown up) has a name that suddenly became top 20 popular round about the time we gave it to him. It has at times been even more popular since then. I had slight regrets about that and he had times when he wished he wasn't one of 3 in his friendship group. But I still like the name itself very much, and he seems to be happy with it now - I assume partly because he doesn't happen to know quite so many of them now, and partly because he is generally happy with his life. I don't think this is really anything to worry about, but it does sound as if you might need to look into whether you could have anxiety in general, and what might help with it.

I'm guessing it's something like Eva, Sophia, maybe Isabel - one of those classic, international names that feel more popular than they are in their own right because the variations are popular too. Popular because they are lovely sounding and work anywhere.

I gave my son a name that happens to be in the top 20 because I wanted a classic name that would cause no one to make assumptions about him, was well known/used in a lot of countries and generally well liked (and therefore unfortunately popular!) If he turns out to be one of 2 or 3 in his school year or at work in the future, does it really matter? And even if he is annoyed about it- people don't usually stay at school or even in the same job all their lives.

I personally think you've done your child a service - most children seem to prefer to "fit in" at least when young, and if they don't, well there are better ways to stand out from the crowd in your own right rather than just because of the name your parents gave you imo.

BTW - my (very caring and considerate in most things) parents also gave me a classic, international, well known name that they put no more thought into apparently than "we heard it somewhere and both liked it/agreed on it". And honestly, I don't need a name story- I appreciate more that they picked a name which has caused no one to ever go "What?", ask me to repeat it or smirk etc.

I disagree with most on here, and totally understand you, OP.
Obviously to most people, choosing a top 20 name doesn't bother them. To you and me, and many others, it does. But the majority are ok with being like everyone else. So it's ok to feel like you should have chosen differenly. That's a viable feeling and shouldn't, imho, just be signed off as pnd or general anxiety.
I too have a lovely story of how my mother chose my name, and have the same for my children. I love the story, and I love my name. It was rare when I was a child (seventies), but surged in popularity (top 20, but not top 10) in the early 2000s. It's dropped down to top 80 or something now. I loved that I wasn't one of several Sarahs or Claires. Likewise, I am really glad that my children don't have popular names. They aren't unique, they are easy to understand (think Patience and Victor, for example, as opposed to Jack and Olivia), and we regularly get lovely comments.

I think it is really ok to consider changing her name to a name you are happy with.

Good luck.

Having a common name doesn't mean you're "like everyone else"! It's just a name. It doesn't define you or make you more interesting than other people. Personally I think changing a 2-year-old's name sounds like a very bad idea.