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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Struggling to cope with baby name popularity

80 replies

Leeloo1233 · 01/02/2023 08:57

We had a tough time naming our baby. It took us really long, partly because I had severe PND and the name decision caused me a lot of anxiety. The names that I had always pictured I would give to my kids didn't work in my partner's language/culture. Every name seemed to cause me anxiety and I got lost in what I actually liked and didn't like until everything was a blur and we couldn't even narrow down our list of 20 names.

Eventually we picked a name that is quite common, but that my partner loves. I thought it was fine, and there was nothing else that I liked more and just wanted to giver her a name before I got more ill.

Now she's two, and I hear her name everywhere. And not just her name, but variations of the name to the point that every child seems to sound the same. We went to visit a daycare today that had three kids with a variation of her name, and I got so anxious I don't think I can choose that place, despite it being otherwise nice.

How do I cope with this and move past this? I feel so much regret that out of thousands of names we considered we settled for a name so boring and unimaginative.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

purpledalmation · 01/02/2023 10:22

It's not the child's name that's the issue, it's your mental state that you need to address and seek help for.

Original poster

Leeloo1233 · 01/02/2023 10:23

Cornettoninja · 01/02/2023 10:11

Names become popular for a reason - they’re great names!

I have a really common name and was genuinely never minded by it, it’s not super duper exciting but my personality and achievements aren’t defined by my name so it just doesn’t rank in the top 100 of things that cross my mind on a frequent basis.

How do you feel about your own name? if you’re generally fine with it it why do you think your dd will be any different? Names are used a lot but they don’t really impact lives in any huge way and if they do they can be changed.

I think of names like perfumes, most are pleasant enough, some amazing, some not so great but mostly it’s a side note about someone.

My name is very uncommon, I have never met anyone with the same name, and I've liked that it's easy for people to write and pronounce but it's unique in a way. I guess finding a name like this for my daughter became an obsession for me, I'm not sure why, maybe because I was worried people would judge me or her if she had a "normal" name.

Another thing that I have always loved is when people have a beautiful story behind their name. I've been interested in names and always ask people about the story behind theirs. My name comes from a book that was so dear to my mom, I love that story. But there's no story behind my daughters name, the name we finally chose doesn't even have a nice meaning. All it reminds me of is the horrible time of trying to name her, and if she ever asks me why we gave her that name, I don't know what to say. It just makes me sad. But reading these messages has made me much more aware that actually this might not be an issue for her at all, thankfully.

OP posts:

ShiverOfSharks · 01/02/2023 10:24

When you're using the words "struggling to cope" about your baby name being popular... Well, either it's time for a major head wobble or it's time to visit the doctor and have a serious talk with them.

I think it's the latter for you. You've recognised that you have had some scary and worrying thoughts about this. I think it's time to sit down with your GP and tell them that you are struggling to cope so you can review your medication and also look into talking therapies. Is there any possibility of paying for therapy privately?

lobeliasb · 01/02/2023 10:27

I have a name that was very popular I the 80's and 90'a to the point where at a small company of 30 staff, there were four of us with the same name! Ultimately though, it doesn't really matter to me and most people throughout history have been named from a smallish pool of names.

Think of all the Deborah's, Mary's, Ann's, John's, Roberts, Stephens etc born in the 1940-70's. They are getting on just fine with their traditional names. The focus on giving children a unique or rare name seems to be a recent thing.

There are always nicknames if you really want to call her something different. Does she have a middle name you could use instead?

abmac95 · 01/02/2023 10:28

Is her name Ava?

SalviaOfficinalis · 01/02/2023 10:34

I’m glad you seem open to accepting people’s advice OP.

Like others I think therapy would be beneficial. You had a very difficult time and that seems to have influenced your thought processes around the name, which now keep repeating themselves in your daily life.

Hopefully therapy will help you to break that cycle, move on, and develop new, positive thoughts about the name.

In the mean time, every time you start thinking an anxious thought about your DD’s name, try deliberately stopping that thought and consciously think of a positive thought instead. So instead you would think “it’s a lovely name and it suits my DD”. If you do it often enough it will become automatic.

Moonlightsonatas · 01/02/2023 10:34

Ha ha I was born in the 80s so my school was full of Sarahs, Lauras and Rachels! Hasn’t been a problem for me having a common name!

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 01/02/2023 10:37

abmac95 · 01/02/2023 10:28

Is her name Ava?

That’s irrelevant. OP is vulnerable and if she wanted to disclose the name she would have done so.

TraumaQueenMama · 01/02/2023 10:43

Just to say as well op, the cause could be pnd or depression but in some cases the trauma of pnd means a breakdown leads to a diagnosis of autism or ADHD. Both have hyperfocus which is what you seem to be doing about the name. I mention this because I masked so well before pnd I had no idea I was neurodiverse and it was only when CBT and talking therapies and antidepressants failed I was put on a diagnosis pathway.
Just something to keep in mind.

Lodgeornot · 01/02/2023 11:02

I have a not too common name but also untraditional spelling. I've spent over 30 years having to spell it for people. It's frustrating knowing I'll have to do it for the rest of my life.

If your daughter has what you term a common name. You've done her a kindness! I would give my right arm to be an Emma or Charlotte.

WimpoleHat · 01/02/2023 11:05

I honestly don’t get all this angst over names. It’s an admin issue - enables you to identify yourself and be identified. If doesn’t define you or make you more/less unique. Pick something you like and that you think will serve your child well through her life (ie not an obvious marker, something people can spell and won’t go “what?” when she says it). And don’t worry any further. If you’ve picked a popular name, it’s popular because lots of other people like it. No more and no less than that. Nothing to worry about.

TallulahBetty · 01/02/2023 11:07

I have an uncommon name. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

ArmyofMunn · 01/02/2023 11:11

We thought we were being really original with our DC's names, but not only were they both two of the most common names in the school, they were typically linked together. A famous film star has even called his boy and girl the same names!

It's only ever caused me momentary frustration though - I think your anxiety is causing you to over think this.

yikesanotherbooboo · 01/02/2023 11:22

I'm sorry you feel like this OP but agree with others that it sounds like a focus for your anxiety .Having a common name is in no way a disadvantage for your child. It is well used because it is a nice name and your DC will never have to explain pronunciation or spelling . DC like to feel that they are 'inside' the group rather than an outlier. As well as this what seems to be a commonly used name now when so many names are used is not at all the same as when I was a child and there might be seven Sarah's in the class. FWIW my name was very popular when I was a child and there was always someone else in my class with the same name. It never crossed my mind to mind or resent it. My DH had an easy to spell and well known but rarely used name that he hated and considered to have been a sign of his DM's vanity in choosing.He is accustomed to it as an adult of course.
The story is that your DH loved the name and that you chose it together. No more explanation is needed .

margegunderson · 01/02/2023 11:30

This is definitely your anxiety talking isn't it? Do get some help, please. You'll feel so much better.
Also - what's her middle name? But that's a nuclear option - shell be used to her own name now.

gogohmm · 01/02/2023 11:44

My dd was born in a February, the name we chose wasn't in the top 50 the year before, in her birth year it's in the top 10! It can happen and it doesn't matter

Happygone · 01/02/2023 11:45

I'm sure it's a lovely name. Anxiety is a fucker though. I would go back to the gp

ivykaty44 · 01/02/2023 11:48

has your dc got a middle name? could you use this name instead?

UniversalTruth · 01/02/2023 11:50

In my son's school class there are 3 children with versions of the same, fairly unusual, name. You can't control it even if you choose a less common name.

Agree, this is your anxiety talking. You don't have to listen to it, just acknowledge its point of view and then politely disagree.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 01/02/2023 11:50

Does she have a middle name?

Did you struggle to choose that or was it an easier decision?

Could your lovely story/meaning/thoughtful name be the middle one and the first one be "just because DH had always liked it and it worked for both cultures"?

Could you use a nickname or her middle name to distance yourself from the horrible memories?

I think what you are feeling is actually nothing to do with the name though, it is your feelings about the period in time when the name was decided. You need to work on dissociating the two things. Focus on the fact that it was a name DH had always loved, ask his reasons, does it remind him of someone or something or make him think of something? perhaps that will help you persuade yourself that the name isn't linked only with that time and has nicer associations.

AngelinaFibres · 01/02/2023 12:06

I was born in the mid sixties and given a name that is usually partnered with Louise or Jane or Elizabeth. When I stared my teacher training there were 10 of us in my cohort with the same first name and one of those 3 middle names. I thought it was funny. It certainly didn't make me feel less me. When my youngest son was born I gave him a name that wasn't madly popular, it wasn't a name that I knew a person with in real life. Then Harry Potter hit the shops. My sons name was the same as one of my parents cats. Some people commented negatively on that. Son is late 20s now and cat has been dead at least 20 years. Your anxiety is messing with your mind Op. The name issue is just the symptom of it.

Fink · 01/02/2023 12:06

People are different and names aren't necessarily forever. Some people love having a common name, some people love having an unusual name. Some people value having a name with a real history behind it and a feeling that their parents had a special reason for choosing it, others couldn't care less about this. The same with the meaning of the name: it's important to some people, completely irrelevant to others. Some people value having a 'classic' name and other people want something that goes with the time. It's obviously not objectively an awful name, because otherwise it would have been hard for it to get so popular, so let your daughter grow into it and look for some help for yourself. If she really hates it, she can always change it when she's older. If she asks you how you chose it, tell her the good parts of the story - you really wanted to find the right name for her and you tried out hundreds, but none of them seemed to fit, and finally you found her name which seemed just right.

Chooksnroses · 01/02/2023 12:09

I remember the anxiety that came with PND. My PND wasn't diagnosed until I moved house and changed GPs when my daughter was 18 months old. By then it had really set in. There's help for you out there. As for your son's name, in every generation there are common names. When I left home and went to work in a residential setting, I was in a set of six girls. Three Jennifers in that set, and another in the set below. As others have said, if your child has a more popular name, lots of people love it, and that's no bad thing. You have to tell yourself that it's your PND and anxiety that is the problem, and your brain has fixated on the name. Once you get proper help, you'll be able to concentrate on just loving your child...including the name.

jackstini · 01/02/2023 12:21

Could you share the name so we can give you some 'good points' about it?

KirstenBlest · 01/02/2023 12:29

The names that I had always pictured I would give to my kids didn't work in my partner's language/culture.
Your partner's culture trumped your feelings?
Every name seemed to cause me anxiety and I got lost in what I actually liked and didn't like until everything was a blur and we couldn't even narrow down our list of 20 names.
It's not the name, but that you weren't allowed to choose and that you had anxiety
Eventually we picked a name that is quite common, but that my partner loves. I thought it was fine, and there was nothing else that I liked more and just wanted to giver her a name before I got more ill.
I think the name is something like Sophia or Mia, but it doesn't matter what it is,
how you feel about the name is a symptom of something else.

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