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Exactly the same name

119 replies

Puddinggulper · 24/01/2023 17:21

DH and I are expecting our first child. We’re keeping the sex a surprise but if it is one particular sex then we have one particularly favourite name.

We’ve had this name picked out for this gender for a few years, before we were even pregnant.

The issue is - we have family friends, almost like unofficial relatives, who had a baby of the opposite gender who named the baby with this name - the name is unisex. No real issue you might think - however, funnily enough the family friend married someone with our exact same surname, although completely unrelated. So although the baby is the opposite gender, if we named ours what we wanted they would both have the exact same first name AND surname. They also live fairly close so could conceivably end up at the same school. Although theirs would be in the school year above.

We were gutted when we found out they’d used the name and throughout the pregnancy have tried to think of another we like as much but we just can’t. I know no one owns a name but would you still use it?

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daisymade · 24/01/2023 19:18

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MotherOfHouseplants · 24/01/2023 19:19

Sorry OP. I know this isn’t rational but I wouldn’t use it. They got there first and if the children do end up in the same activities / school etc people will likely meet the older child first and it will always feel like they are the original and your DC the tribute act. Sorry.

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ZoyaTheDestroyer · 24/01/2023 19:22

I’m sorry OP but I wouldn’t use it either. This really shouldn’t be the case and I am sorry to mention it but sadly it would be pretty miserable for a boy to have exactly the same name as a girl in the year above in a way that probably wouldn’t be as much of an issue if the genders were reversed. It’s horrible but it’s the same reason why some people will happily call their daughters Aubrey or Jamie but wouldn’t call their son Grace or Isabel.

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Puddinggulper · 24/01/2023 19:26

The consensus on here seems to be not use it which is really interesting. The family friends are on my DHs side and he doesn’t care and wants to use it. My sister in law said we should go ahead and use and my sister doesn’t think it’s a big deal and that I’m overthinking it. I’m not sure if that’s because they know the context better and I’ve not explained it well on here - they aren’t close friends, they’re family friends we see maybe twice a year at weddings/bbqs.

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Puddinggulper · 24/01/2023 19:27

I wish I could predict the future and know if they’d end up at the same secondary school. There’s a 1 in 5 chance. As that’s my main concern that it’ll cause confusion.

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RhubarbFairy · 24/01/2023 19:29

On your OP you say that they're so close, they're like unofficial relatives. Now it's 'we only see them a couple of times a year'.

If your DH doesn't care, and it's his side, just use the name. I think you're overthinking it.

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Confusion101 · 24/01/2023 19:29

they aren’t close friends, they’re family friends we see maybe twice a year at weddings/bbqs

Based on this id just go ahead and use it. How much will you regret it if you don't?

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dammit88 · 24/01/2023 19:30

With the same surname, no I wouldn't. But its pretty clear you are going to anyway so just accept that they probably will be a bit pissed at you and some other people may think you copied them. No biggie really.

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Whatwouldyoudo32 · 24/01/2023 19:30

I’m going to disagree with the majority, I personally would use the name still. You will always regret it if you do not

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mathanxiety · 24/01/2023 19:31

Ruadhan - pronounced Roo-awn.
It's an Irish name, and there's a fada on the last a.
It's often anglicised as Rowan..

Ronan - similar soft sound.

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Puddinggulper · 24/01/2023 19:34

When I said relatives I meant more cousins than siblings I suppose. Relatives you see mainly at weddings.

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FlowerOfTheValley · 24/01/2023 19:45

Use the name you want. If other people have a problem that is their issue.

They may not go to the same school, you only see them occasionally. If I was them I would not be the slightest fussed about it.

My cousin and I had the exact same first and surnames. The first time I even thought about it was reading the baby name pages on here so it was obviously a total non issue in our family.

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Shinytaps · 24/01/2023 19:50

If they are only the type you see at weddings rather than regularly I'd use the name. Also wonder if you'll pronounce it differently? The boy I know called Rowan is pronounced differently to the girl version I've heard.

If they ask then just explain you love it and have had it on your list for years.

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Luredbyapomegranate · 24/01/2023 20:06

I would yes.

I helps a lot that they are opposite sex. I’d just say to the parents that you tried really hard to find something else, but you’ve always planned to use it.

No one owns a name, but it’s polite to explain.

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SunshineAndFizz · 24/01/2023 20:09

Mate, you know you can't use it.

You know it deep down otherwise you wouldn't be asking us. They got there first. Your family/friends are being nice as you've clearly chosen to use it anyway.

Totally annoying as you love the name, but you know it would be weird for two kids to have the same first and second names. Let it go and find something else.

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Luredbyapomegranate · 24/01/2023 20:11

4thonthe4th · 24/01/2023 18:18

I wouldn’t do it. If it was Harry Smith, fair enough I’m sure there are loads. But not a name which is fairly uncommon anyway. It’ll stand out even more.

Rowan is super popular for both sexes - it will not stand out.

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ZoyaTheDestroyer · 24/01/2023 20:15

Luredbyapomegranate · 24/01/2023 20:11

Rowan is super popular for both sexes - it will not stand out.

It is pretty popular for boys (#63, 938 babies in 2021) but it is unusual for girls (#423, 104 babies in 2021). Definitely not super popular as a girls’ name.

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Wheredidtheselotapego · 24/01/2023 20:41

I love the name Rowan, it was our choice for a girl though I was put off by the different pronunciation in Scotland,

anyway… my main worry would be that if they’re at the same school / town, what if the other Rowan ends up with a bit of a reputation as a trouble maker at school etc and your child is mistaken for them in situations where someone sees their name on register at school or extra curricular activities?

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Skeldale · 24/01/2023 20:54

So there's a 1 in 5 chance that your son will follow a girl through school with exactly the same name as him?

For that reason alone I wouldn't use it. Kids are merciless and he will get bullied for having a girls name, even though the entirety of Mumsnet knows it's unisex, the girl got it first. End of.

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barkyy · 24/01/2023 20:57

I would use a different name.

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resm · 24/01/2023 21:04

I would go ahead and use the name if my heart was set on it. It doesn’t sound like you’re that close to them so I don’t see the issue.

Although I also don’t see the problem with cousins (even with same surname) sharing a family name like that of a grandparent passed down.

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ThomasinaLivesHere · 24/01/2023 21:18

They won’t be in the same year at school. I really don’t think there will be issues at all for the child. Also I don’t think the child will feel like he doesn’t have his own name. All his class and friends will be familiar with him.

You seem really set on it. Perhaps have a trial with it when he’s born to see how it feels.

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aSofaNearYou · 24/01/2023 21:21

If I were you I'd explain to your friend that you've had the name picked out for years, if they're a decent person they shouldn't have a problem with it.

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Pinkdafodils · 24/01/2023 23:19

aSofaNearYou · 24/01/2023 21:21

If I were you I'd explain to your friend that you've had the name picked out for years, if they're a decent person they shouldn't have a problem with it.

It's not them, it's the poor child that will always be known as Rowan Smith II

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pitterypattery00 · 24/01/2023 23:38

Wheredidtheselotapego · 24/01/2023 20:41

I love the name Rowan, it was our choice for a girl though I was put off by the different pronunciation in Scotland,

anyway… my main worry would be that if they’re at the same school / town, what if the other Rowan ends up with a bit of a reputation as a trouble maker at school etc and your child is mistaken for them in situations where someone sees their name on register at school or extra curricular activities?

Same, I love the name Rowan for a girl but I discounted using it because of the different pronunciations between Scotland and England (I'm Scottish but live in England with English partner, it just wouldn't have worked).

OP if you don't see these people often I'd just go for it. And even if the children are at the same primary, so what. I didn't know the full names of any of the children in the other year groups at my primary school. Barely knew their first names (obviously in a small school this would be different). Other R boys names I like include Ruairidh, Robin, Reuben, Ronan, and Roderick.

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