Am I right to be upset with my sister in law?

[sm8724]

Am I right to be upset with my sister in law? My partner and I are expecting our first baby together after 3 years of trying and 5 miscarriages (it’s finally happening I can’t believe it still) I am very nervous about every aspect of this pregnancy due to illness and previous loss meaning I am perhaps a little more guarded around talking about it as I’m so scared it still might not work out. We have 3 names short listed and have since we started trying 3 years ago. Several weeks ago SIL announced she’s was pregnant at which time my partner told her our shortlist of names, today she’s found out the gender of hers and announce the name. It happens to be my favourite that I’ve had picked out since my daughter was born 12 years ago. I am devastated and furious that all she said was “sorry I’m having it” to my partner. Our baby is due several months earlier than hers and I feel if I want to I should still be able to use the name, regardless the relationship is ruined with SIL (we’re not overly close) but it will cause friction for my partner with parents and other siblings. I feel as we hadn’t publicly announced our name choice we will be deemed in the wrong, but for me I wanted to wait until our babies birth. Am I wrong?

I’d have made a joke there and then saying how funny it will be having two ‘baby name’s in the family so she knows to expect it. She’s obviously trying to stop you from using the name by announcing so early despite having the baby after and needs to realise she can’t do that

I would take it as meaning that she'll use it even if you do.

Family sound awful telling your husband that he shouldn't use it.

I suppose as a GM I might think it a bit odd to have two GC with the same name but then I've named my children so not my decision!

Could be worse Op-when I told my Mum what our PFB was called she mulled it over & said "oh no I don't like that".

Well thanks Mum!

Use the name!!!!!!

If she causes a fuss so be it, that is not your issue.

Just laugh and tell her that you will be using the name and actually it is fine if she does to. She won't but what do you care.

Same! Just use it and register your baby, she’ll have to find something else 🤷🏼‍♀️

Perfect!!!

This. And, after the baby is born, id be saying how funny that sil heard your choice and also wanted it. How adorable!

I’m glad you’re still going ahead. If anyone complains about it, ignore them, or say, “it’s what I’ve chosen. I chose it years ago”

Or he replies, you mean you are also having it.

but actually id ignore. Announced name when the baby is born. If anyone says anything you just say when sil heard your name choice she loved it so much she wanted it too!

also, my mum had two cousin Elaines. Same side of family.

If you want to use it, use it. See how you feel when baby is born, if you want to use it as a first name, second name or not at all. Make the decision about you and the baby. Not about what she thinks.

The fact she seems to think that because she said she was going to use that name, then her dbro and you should just fall in line is a symptom of a much broader attitude to life (on her part!).

Which means I might to pre empt some potential issue and actually let your DH parents know about your choice of name and that you had shared your choice with younger sister too. Such an exciting time etc…. Then there is less risk of her going on a tangent saying that you have clearly stolen HER name after she told you about it!

Another one who thinks this is a no brainer and a non issue. Use the name.

There are so many Toms in my family we have big Tom, wee Tom, Tommy, Tommy from xtown, Grandpa Tom ... (Tom is not the actual name!).

Use the name. If she uses it too, so what.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Oh and next time (if there is one) don't discuss names with anyone except your OH.

If anyone says anything I would start smiling sweetly and saying 'well we did tell SIL that it is on our shortlist so she knew we are likely to call our baby this name, but we don't mind if she wants to use it too. They will be cousins so it's quite sweet really'.

That way it's clear you mentioned it first, but you look calm and reasonable.

Use the name.

When people make comments say that it’s fine, you know that SIL is happy for the cousins to have the same name because she only chose it after you’d said you were using it. And if she doesn’t mind and you don’t mind, then why should anyone else?

I do feel sorry for the grandparents though, it’s a shame for them to have two grandchildren with the same name.

Did you verbally tell her your choices or were they given in a text? Do you have evidence of her saying sorry I'm using it?

Either way it's a name you've wanted for a long time. Yes it may ruffle feathers but it's your child and I'm sure they will get over it

If you gave her a list of names, rather than just one definite name, then I don’t really think she’s done anything wrong, as she knows you have two others that you like.

Use the name if you want to.

It sounds like you have a family who pander to one person, unless you want this to continue its time to say no.

To her I would reply - 'as DH mentioned to you a while ago, XX name is on our list so it's likely we will call our child this, but we really don't mind if you want to use it too, when your little one is born. We don't own the name and it'll be quite cute really, two cousins called the same. We are likely to use XX nickname anyway so it shouldn't be a problem at all. Can't wait until they can play together!'

You state your case, looking infinitely reasonable and what can she say back to that really???

It’s not that odd to have people with the same name in families
my gran was Mary and her cousin was also Mary
amongst the men I have uncles cousins great uncles all called William and we define them similar to what pp said in their family ‘big bill wee bill billy etc’

anyway everyone call their baby what they like that’s that!

If family members say 'can't you use another one?'

You say 'ah no it's been my favourite since DD was born - that's why we mentioned it to SIL. But we really really don't mind her using it too - we will probably use x nickname anyway so it'll be fine!'

Use the name you want. I changed my mind several times when I was pregnant, so might she. I had a name in mind for my baby and as soon as I saw him I decided that wasn't what he looked like and instantly choose a name we had rejected, either of you could do that to.

When I was pregnant, both times, I refused to discuss names with anyone but DP and I made it clear to DP that the same applied to him to avoid this situation from happening. Our first baby's name was actually a secret between us for several days before we announced it.

But at the time OP names her baby, there WON'T be another baby called that name.

The decision over whether to call a baby the same name as a close family member is for SIL to make - not OP

Congratulations! That's amazing that you finally have this little bundle of joy.

Your SIL is being more than unreasonable. But honestly telling other people these names always seems to end the way.

Just use the name. If she cant get over it the that's on her. If someone says ' oh I thought that's the name SIL was using', dont make a big deal of it and casually tell them what happened. You will probably find no one is shocked.

But also, if she chooses to then not use the name, that's on her. If the kids have the same name growing up they will love it. I ha e the exact same name as someone in my family and we are almost the same age. It's never been an issue.

If she is only just pregnant you will more than likely find she will change her mind on the name. Most ppl do chop and change over the 9 months. How would you then feel if you didnt use it..... and she didnt use it.