AIBU wanting to give DD my mum's name as her middle name

[mamamaeve]

DD is four weeks old. We still have no name for her. It's a ridiculous situation - we are down to two. A tough decision and husband has strong views and essentially vetoes anything I like.

First name conundrum aside, I would like to give her my mum's first name as her middle name. My DM is utterly amazing with the children, she has them 3x days a week (minimum), is our absolute lifeline whenever we need back up care/a night away/emergency sick cover. When the kids have any illnesses she will move her working week around to be able to help us so that we can still work. She takes them swimming and has done since they were all 18 months old (she's the only granny in the pool!). Not that the financial stuff should be important, but to avoid any drip feed, they also pay the kids' private school fees, have trust funds set up for them etc. The children will not struggle financially- because of my DP.

By comparison, my MIL lives 4 hours away so cannot be as on tap as my DM but - that said - she is probably at the other extreme in terms of how hopeless and disinterested she is. There is still no talk of coming to see their new grandchild (also no card or gift sent...), and for our other DC it's always taken them a good 6-7 weeks to come over. When my own DP cannot cover for something, I will work down a list of alternative options before calling on MIL as she's so wrapped up in her own life and v unreliable. Nothing wrong with her approach, but because of that she has no real bond with the kids. It's all a bit awkward when they come over, takes the kids a while to warm to her etc. When she tries to give any advice on the kids I find it all quite cringeworthy as she doesn't have a clue.

I'd like to give our DD my mum's first name as DD middle name. DH doesn't agree and says it would p!ss his own mother off. I actually don't think it would, but I also don't think we should be paying any sort of testament to her. I really, really would like this little nod for my mum and feel she would be really touched.

Any views?

Well I agree with you... But IF it's a situation where you're choosing between a first name you put forward and one your partner put forward, maybe whoever 'loses' could choose the middle name.

Why not both names? I can see both points of view tbh.

I don't see why a name shouldn't be passed down the maternal line, men pass names down the paternal line all the time.

It's not some kind of participation prize where either all her ancestors give her a name or none of them do.

I gave my daughter my mums name as a middle name. Hands on, best nanny ever, kids love her. They don't really have much of a relationship with my MIL for various reasons.
My husband didn't push it anyway as I think he knew it would be different. It's an honor to name someone after someone so why would you do it after someone who doesn't deserve it.
Plus, my MIL has 2 daughter of her own and I think it's on them to name their children after their mother, not me.

Its unreasonable for a grandparent to ne pissed off at not being honored in a childs name, especially a disinterested one.
And honestly weird and childish behaviour to be jealous of another grandparents name being used.

My daughter has my mothers name as one of hers. I like my mil's name too but we chose my husband's paternal grandmother's name as her second middle name. Don't think my mil cared that much (also a hands off grandmother).
I think there's a compromise there - why not have first name, your mums name, your mil name, last name. Most of the time it's the first middle name that counts.

Our children each have a (different) middle name linking to my side of the family. Their surname is already a link to their father’s side of the family, so we consider it as one name from each side of the family alongside a first name chosen just for them.
If you’re planning on using your DH’s surname for the baby, then the same situation would apply.

We were quite lucky since DDs middle name was both my mum's name and DP's mum's middle name.

Does your DD have the father's family name? Seems more than fair to have a middle name from the maternal family

I'm with you. Your mum has well and truly "earned" that tribute. Assuming the DC have your husband's surname his side has already been honoured 3 times over.

Middles names are pretty pointless so I'd shove your MILs name on the end tbh

compromise - 2 middle names, your mum’s first, then his. Anything else is divisive.

and if you suggest that hopefully you can have pick of the first

Does your DD have the same surname as MIL? That would be my argument, then she gets something from both sides of the family.

I don't think you need to use both to be fair. It's your child and you should give them the name you want.

Do it! We named my daughter after my Mum and DH's Nan, who he's really close to. They happen to have the same name although use different diminutives.
If MIL was annoyed she hid it quite well, but tbh she's never been there for us in the same way as the others have

If your child will be given her father's surname then it seems a no brainer to me.

Are you at a standoff as regards deciding on the first name?

I just want to know what the name is?

DD is named after my mum and my grandma
i think you should have the deciding vote

DD and DS have 2 middle names each. This has soothed many things

Is it an option for you?

We have our first son both grandfathers names as middle names; for the second one we adopted the grandmothers names into male versions ...... middle names are sentimental and rarely used. So why don't you use both mothers's names?

It's a ridiculous situation - we are down to two. A tough decision and husband has strong views and essentially vetoes anything I like. Are you down to two that you both agree on, or is he still balking? If you can't agree, he needs to start generating some suggestions until he hits on something you also love. I'd figure out the first, then fill in the middle.

Does he also dislike the middle name you suggested, or just not like the fact that it's your mother's name? Do your other children have family names, either first or middle?

Some people are suggesting adding MIL's name as second middle name to keep the peace, and I can see how this suggestion has value, but I wouldn't.

It would just irk me to give the name of a distant and disinterested GP to my child. She doesn't seem to consider your or your children's feeling (not sending cards, being unreliable, etc). So why should you consider hers ?

I'd just tell your husband that you'll consider his mother's name for next child (consider doesn't mean you'll actually do it - or that you'll have another child). And that the grand-parent who actually plays a role in the children's lives goes first. And if the children have his last name you can point that out too. Or you could agree to MIL's name as middle if he agrees to change the kids' last name to yours ! (don't worry he won't want to).

Of course you should give her your mums name. Put your foot down on this! Your Dh sounds a bit overbearing about it all.

What are the final two names you are down to for the first name? You’ve only got two weeks left to choose.

I wouldn't, I dislike how names are used to honour or handed down. Give your child their own name, but do make sure it is something you and your dp can agree on.