AIBU wanting to give DD my mum's name as her middle name

[mamamaeve]

DD is four weeks old. We still have no name for her. It's a ridiculous situation - we are down to two. A tough decision and husband has strong views and essentially vetoes anything I like.

First name conundrum aside, I would like to give her my mum's first name as her middle name. My DM is utterly amazing with the children, she has them 3x days a week (minimum), is our absolute lifeline whenever we need back up care/a night away/emergency sick cover. When the kids have any illnesses she will move her working week around to be able to help us so that we can still work. She takes them swimming and has done since they were all 18 months old (she's the only granny in the pool!). Not that the financial stuff should be important, but to avoid any drip feed, they also pay the kids' private school fees, have trust funds set up for them etc. The children will not struggle financially- because of my DP.

By comparison, my MIL lives 4 hours away so cannot be as on tap as my DM but - that said - she is probably at the other extreme in terms of how hopeless and disinterested she is. There is still no talk of coming to see their new grandchild (also no card or gift sent...), and for our other DC it's always taken them a good 6-7 weeks to come over. When my own DP cannot cover for something, I will work down a list of alternative options before calling on MIL as she's so wrapped up in her own life and v unreliable. Nothing wrong with her approach, but because of that she has no real bond with the kids. It's all a bit awkward when they come over, takes the kids a while to warm to her etc. When she tries to give any advice on the kids I find it all quite cringeworthy as she doesn't have a clue.

I'd like to give our DD my mum's first name as DD middle name. DH doesn't agree and says it would p!ss his own mother off. I actually don't think it would, but I also don't think we should be paying any sort of testament to her. I really, really would like this little nod for my mum and feel she would be really touched.

Any views?

I think it's a nice idea. Maybe he chooses first name then if you get the 2nd name?

We wanted to pass down family names and decided that if we had a boy the middle name would be my DP's dad's name and if we had a girl it would be my mum's name. We had a girl and my MIL was absolutely fine about it. Our baby, our decision.

When my DS1 was born it was my MIL's suggestion that we gave him a name from my side of the family. Her argument was that he had DH's name as his surname so only fair something from my side was in there too.

If DC has your husband's name then it's only fair. I gather that will also be their link to MIL too 😊

This

Would your MIL even notice?

Especially if you choose a variant rather than exactly the same name. If you’re mum’s Mary, then use Marie. If mum is Julie, try Juliette.
OR, use your mum’s middle name as your DD’s middle name? It’s highly unlikely your MIL would notice that.

I don’t see the problem. My daughters middle name is her great nanas name. It was a tribute to her as she really is the glue that holds the family together. I didn’t really think about using any other grandparents names and no one ever passed comment. Dd does have two middle names, one due to heritage. It’s a testament to your mother who is a devoted grandparent and I must admit it very jealous of how devoted your mother is, that must be so lovely for your children. My mother is like your mil, she tends to only be interested in the 1st 6 months after that you never hear from her. It’s something I’ve been used to since I was a child and played sister mom to my siblings.

Just don’t tell MIL that you’ve used your mum’s name. It’s so rare for it to be used and she doesn’t sound interested enough to go looking for the BC.

Do your kids have your DH’s surname? In which case tell him they are already carrying your Mum’s name and you want some of your maternal line within your kids’ names.

He sounds very opinionated and not very flexible and he ought to be bloody appreciative of your Mum’s support.

And I note that it is YOU who works down the childcare list and organises cover. Do you both work? Is this enabling him to work?

If your DD has her dad’s surname then it’s only fair that you get to pick a middle name from your family.
She’ll already share a surname with MIL.

This.

One of my friends gave her eldest her mothers middle name and her youngest has a middle name that is recognition to the father's family. What's more amusing is the eldest looks like her paternal grandmother....

I do agree with this. I would only use your Mum’s name if it is a name you actually like, and could see working.

It isn’t our kids’ job to carry names so that other people can ‘honour’ someone: they are not park benches!

You could always add your Mum’s name to your own name, as an additional middle name.

Your Mum gets her own reward for her closeness to her grandchildren: a close bond, involvement, fun times that the children will remember all their lives and will be a source of conversation when they are grown up.

And as for adding both GM’s names… how many names should a kid have to deal with to ‘honour’ people who are already ‘honoured’ by the wonderful opportunity to be grandparents.

I would think my Dc bonkers if they gave any (future, currently hypothetical) DGC my name as a middle name. It is ‘of its time’, and I don’t want their names futureproofed as a memorial in anticipation of my death, thanks!

Could you use your mother's maiden name as a middle name?

Could you use two middle names? My husband and I plan to each choose a middle for our children, so you could each choose your mother’s name.

You would hate our tradition then.

Me, my mum, my daughter and my niece all have the same middle name. It’s an honour towards a daughter my grandad had, before he married my Nan, who died.

My grandad has passed away now so I doubt dd will carry on the tradition and that’s ok. It was important to my grandad to do this, so I did it.

Coming at this from a different angle, have your other children got family names or will it just be this one? Because later on you may have to explain why you only gave a family middle name to this one child and not the others.

If your DC have DH surname as their surname yanbu to want your DM name as a middle name. Nothing to do with mil, who also may have same surname as children.

I find the idea of having to even the score between grandparents quite irritating. If the name is meaningful to you, and you want to use it, then do so.

Especially I think it’s more valid to pass a name down the maternal line.

I plan to give our daughter (when she’s here) a nice middle name from my side of the family, which has passed down three generations already. DH doesn’t seem to care if she has a middle name or not so while we will obviously agree on the first name (which he is much more opinionated about), I will push to get my choice for middle name.

I like MIL but won’t add an extra name in just to appease - seems so silly. Maybe for the next child!

I feel your MIL just haven't clicked with children and feels disinterested because she's depressed about it. It just screams that.

Your dm sounds utterly, utterly lovely! I would definitely do this, she is so deserving as well. Sometimes it's not about being fair, your mil doesn't deserve the honor.

DD1 has my Grandmothers and MILs name as her middle names. We chose a name each.

DD2 has my first name (ExHs choice, not mine) and ExHs Grandmothers names as middle names.

My Grandmother and MIL are amazing, as was his Grandmother. The jury is still out on me 😁

We gave dd my mums middle name as her middle name. Dh wanted his mums name there too however it’s so old fashioned and his niece has his mums name as a middle name so I said no!

I don’t feel bad as my niece has changed her middle name as she didn’t like it! Lol.

So the name we are going for is Orla. But I'm not sure it goes with DM's name- meaning it would be Orla Jill.

My favourite choice is Orla Grace but it has no sentimental value, albeit I think is very pretty.

WWYD?

Orla Jillian could work? or Orla Grace Jillian