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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Baby's Surname dilema

77 replies

Beachbum21 · 22/06/2021 10:43

Hi everyone. I'd love your views!

We are expecting our first child this year. We are not yet married but plan to be. However, I really do not like my partner's surname.

Its 4 letters long and is spelt like a very rude word with just the initial letter different (without giving it away lol)!

I have convinced myself the child will get bullied at school. My friends and parents keep asking me what surname we are giving the child as they are apprehensive about it.

I have tried approaching the subject with my partner and suggested we double barrel our names giving the child the opportunity to drop one later in life if they wanted to so.

I do not want to take his name when we are married but feel double barrel is a fair compromise. After all it is 2021.

My partner is having none of it. He wants the child to take his name only. He is refusing to discuss the subject. He feels he will be embarrassed to explain we are double barrelling our name and is offended that I don't like it.

Am I being unreasonable? Have you experienced this yourself? How did you resolve the argument?

Many thanks!

OP posts:

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Crockof · 22/06/2021 10:45

You are not married. Child gets your name . He can't even register the baby.

IronTeeth · 22/06/2021 10:46

Give the child your name

Tibtab · 22/06/2021 10:46

I’m married and we double-barrelled DD’s surname, I kept my own name and DH didn’t care because his masculinity isn’t that fragile. I find it so strange that some men get so caveman-like when it comes to things like this.

GreenCrayon · 22/06/2021 10:47

Babies tags will have your name on in hospital anyway as you are not married so I would continue with this by calling baby just your surname.

He cannot register the birth without you so if he's going to act like a toddler and have a strop about it then I would strop right back and remove the offer of being double barreled.

LadyDanburysHat · 22/06/2021 10:48

His unwillingness to compromise on the double barrel would mean in your position I would give the baby only your name. You aren't married, babies take the mothers surname.

His attitude is awful.

SoupDragon · 22/06/2021 10:54

I would tell him that the only options are double barrelled or just your name. As others have said, he can't register the baby anyway.

I'm not sure why he would be embarrassed about double barrelling - it's hardly unusual and it's sensible given you are not planning on changing yours if you get married.

Spied · 22/06/2021 10:55

He's refusing to even discuss it?
This doesn't bode well for your future Marriage.

loves2plan · 22/06/2021 10:56

My ex was very much like this, any time we spoke about double-barrelled surnames he went very neanderthal about it saying myself and any potential future children would bare his name only. I think if you really don't want to take OHs name then keep your own after marriage and maybe double-barrel DCs or as others have suggested just register them with your name if he's going to be unreasonable.

CorVoisier · 22/06/2021 10:56

It's not his decision. You are not married. It's 100% your decision and you don't need his permission.

Offer him the choice of your name or double-barrelled. He can choose.

DENNYCRANE · 22/06/2021 10:59

Don't marry this prick, seriously.

HavelockVetinari · 22/06/2021 11:00

He's being a prick - don't give the baby his name! Give him/her your name - you're not married, and if you don't end up getting married you'll regret not having the same name as your DC.

Double barrel as a compromise if he stops being a twat about it.

Hippohappiness · 22/06/2021 11:00

Without wanting to sound too blunt, your husband needs to grow up, a lot. I didn't take my husband's name when we married. My husband expressed no opinion on the matter, stating that it was my name.and therefore my decision. When our daughter was born we gave her a double barrelled surname and then we both changed our surnames to match hers. If anything, my husband felt uncomfortable about the idea of her only having his name, because he, quite rightly, felt that it was important for both of her parents to be represented. Personally, I think the whole changing your surname thing is massively outdated and that guys who have a problem with their wives going against this tradition need to ask themselves why they feel like it's so important - how fragile does your masculinity / ego need to be to have a problem with it? I'm sorry to rant, but I find it really astonishing that we're still having these conversations in 2021. Anyway, bottom line is that because you're not married, the decision is completely up to you as he's unable to register the birth anyway. Best of luck x

Original poster

Beachbum21 · 22/06/2021 11:11

Wow! Thanks so much guys! I didn't expect that response!

Possibly my approach could have been more sensitive as he's never considered his name an issue before I did! I've obviously hurt his feelings but like you say I shouldn't have to dismiss my name just because I'm a woman.

I will stick with the double barrel approach as I think thats the fairest solution.

OP posts:

CorVoisier · 22/06/2021 11:18

Good luck OP.

Remember that it's entirely your decision. It isn't for him to give you permission or 'allow' you to do anything.

Legally and morally, the decision is entirely yours. The sooner he understands that, the better.

ContessaVerde · 22/06/2021 11:18

How long has this disagreement got to roll? Sounds like you’re in the early stages.
It’s good to be generous to him if you have brought it up in a blunt way and offended him, but bear in mind what other posters have said; a reluctance to compromise and see your point of view is not a useful quality in bringing up a child together.
Was he brought up in this country? Did he not get teased about his surname? If not, give him time to think about it, but keep your eyes open to a general lack of ability to compromise. Better to spot this sooner rather than later.

ScribblyBaller · 22/06/2021 11:55

My partner is having none of it. He wants the child to take his name only. He is refusing to discuss the subject.

He's an arse. Let him stick his head in the sand if he so chooses. He doesn't get to make the decision.

And you definitely want to marry him?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/06/2021 11:57

He sounds awful!

You wont be taking his name - as is your right. You want to share names with the child you are carrying and delivering - as I'd your right.

If he wants the family to share a name, he can take yours

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 22/06/2021 12:01

Is he being a Hunt?

baby gets your name. period

BingBongToTheMoon · 22/06/2021 12:03

Your name and your name only!

ozzyfroggy · 22/06/2021 12:03

I can see where he's coming from. And I imagine as he's lived with the name, he doesn't see what the fuss is about.

Building a family unit where you all share the same name is a positive thing, even if it's a dud surname. My maiden surname is double barreled (not for feminist reasons) and annoying but hey ho. My mum gave birth to me and my dad gave his name. Surely him wanting to signal his connection to the baby is a positive thing?!

If you argument is that it's 2021 so get with the program, you might as well not get married or live together, so old fashioned...

He basically can't discuss because he'll just get accused of being an oppressive patriarch. He doesn't have many options.

ScribblyBaller · 22/06/2021 12:05

Building a family unit where you all share the same name is a positive thing, even if it's a dud surname.

Why use a dud surname when they can use the OP's better surname?

Get with the program.

GreenCrayon · 22/06/2021 12:07

Surely him wanting to signal his connection to the baby is a positive thing?!

Well that would be true if it had anything to do with forming a connection to the baby but it isn't is it, its foot stamping because he thinks it's his manly right to give his children his name only. His connection is that he is the babies father, the kids name does nothing to change that connection.

He basically can't discuss because he'll just get accused of being an oppressive patriarch. He doesn't have many options.

He had the option to double barrel his future child's name. A very sensible compromise which he feels is unfair because he's not getting his own way.

You can try and paint him as a victim but the simple truth is he's being a twat.

ScribblyBaller · 22/06/2021 12:10

He basically can't discuss because he'll just get accused of being an oppressive patriarch. He doesn't have many options.

Oh he can discuss but he's refusing to discuss the subject. Throwing a silent tantrum basically.

SoupDragon · 22/06/2021 12:11

He basically can't discuss because he'll just get accused of being an oppressive patriarch. He doesn't have many options.

He has the option of using the surnames of both parents. That is a fair compromise. However, he is indeed being a foot-stamping oppressive patriarch because he is saying that the baby has to have his surname and his alone.

EL8888 · 22/06/2021 12:13

I would go with your name, bearing in mind his response

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