Baby's Surname dilema

[Beachbum21]

Hi everyone. I'd love your views!

We are expecting our first child this year. We are not yet married but plan to be. However, I really do not like my partner's surname.

Its 4 letters long and is spelt like a very rude word with just the initial letter different (without giving it away lol)!

I have convinced myself the child will get bullied at school. My friends and parents keep asking me what surname we are giving the child as they are apprehensive about it.

I have tried approaching the subject with my partner and suggested we double barrel our names giving the child the opportunity to drop one later in life if they wanted to so.

I do not want to take his name when we are married but feel double barrel is a fair compromise. After all it is 2021.

My partner is having none of it. He wants the child to take his name only. He is refusing to discuss the subject. He feels he will be embarrassed to explain we are double barrelling our name and is offended that I don't like it.

Am I being unreasonable? Have you experienced this yourself? How did you resolve the argument?

Many thanks!

Both names or your name (and reconsider your marriage if he is being nasty about it)

If you get married at a later date @Beachbum21, you can change your child's name. If you give the baby your DP's name and you don't end up getting married, you won't have the option of changing it.

You may be able to add your name through the courts. Don't give away your power to such an uncompromising man.

To be honest I think you're both overreacting but it's an emotional time. From your description I'm wondering if it's something like Buck. It seems like a stretch to think it's that controversial and clearly your partner never had an issue.
Equally he's being very immature in his response and needs to grow up.

I think it's fine to want the same name, my partner was adamant we should all have the same name as baby is dues 18 months or so before planned wedding date but was happy to take mine or double barrel.

Do you think he would have been happy to double barrel if you hadn't approached from a base point of saying his name was daft and likely to be mocked

Is the surname really going to be embarrassing, I assuming it’s something that rhymes with cunt?

Double barrel will still contain his offensive surname so your child may still have the problem.

I’m guessing you are just keeping your surname when you get married, so just give your baby your surname and your husband can ditch his rubbish surname.

I don't understand the norm of the baby getting the dads name. you grew that baby give it your name. ESP if you're not even planning on taking your partners name. It dosent make sense

Give the baby your lastname or double barrel it.

The registrar should discretely check when they know you aren't a married that you, as the mother, are driving the naming of your child e.g. by pointly asking you questions about your child's name.

In my case I wrote my child's names down on a piece of paper, pulled it out of my purse and handed it to the registrar so she knew I was driving it.

Then if you then get married you are suppose to register your child as a child of the marriage (this an archaic law that still has to be followed for some reason), and you get the option to change your child's lastname if you want.

In my case I choose to double barrel my DD lastname because my DP's name is very common and mine isn't. If your DP's name is also common as well then simply tell him you are doing it so your child isn't confused with anyone else.

If you're not married then give your baby your last name! It will cause a massive headache for you to have a different last name from your own baby.

This is a really important decision that will effect both you and your child forever.
Don't give in.
He is being unreasonable!

(For the record, I'm married and me and my babies are double barrelled. They deserve my name as much as his!)

Please give your child just your surname initially. If you get married then you have to re-register the birth anyway and then you can change it if you wish. I went ahead with DP's surname because we were definitely going to get married and now the relationship isn't working out I'm absolutely kicking myself. Obviously hope the same won't happen in your relationship but its easier to adjust in your husband's favour in future than to adjust to yours if you go with his name.

If you split down the line which is quite likely, who will be left with the majority of the 24/7 donkey work of child rearing over the years and make the most life sacrifices. Statistically you. By a mile.
Child gets your surname.

If I had a baby out of marriage I would use my surname.
Full stop.

Be traditional - babies have always their mother's name (which can match the father's if they are married). The usefulness of this tradition is shouid be pretty self-evident.

They should be re-registered anyhow when you marry, and it'll be easy to change their name at that point.

You'll then have to decide whether you take his surname, which you dislike, or remain with your name, and then what to do with DC name (but you can save that debate for later)

Classic case of toxic masculinity and fragile egos... don't give baby his name!

@ozzyfroggy

I can see where he's coming from. And I imagine as he's lived with the name, he doesn't see what the fuss is about.

Building a family unit where you all share the same name is a positive thing, even if it's a dud surname. My maiden surname is double barreled (not for feminist reasons) and annoying but hey ho. My mum gave birth to me and my dad gave his name. Surely him wanting to signal his connection to the baby is a positive thing?!

If you argument is that it's 2021 so get with the program, you might as well not get married or live together, so old fashioned...

He basically can't discuss because he'll just get accused of being an oppressive patriarch. He doesn't have many options.

OP, I wouldn’t take advice from anyone time travelling from the 1950s who uses phrases like “maiden name”

Your name only until you are married - then double barreled.

Defo don't go with his name! You are being very very reasonable in offering to double barrel when he has no legal rights, a shit name, is behaving like a toddler and he's not even the one who is pregnant!

Give the babe your name; when he puts a ring on your finger offer to go double barrel.

Also, there are grown up men who prefer their children to have their mothers surnames if there's are awful. Eg Yvette Cooper and Ed Balls were married before there three sprogs entered the world but all have her surname only. He was man enough to realise his was not a good name to be stuck with!

In your situation I'd give it your surname.
I had a similar dilemma in that my DP's surname isn't his real one - his mum gave him the opportunity to change it when he was 10 when she split from his dad so he did what any 10yr old would do and chose the name of someone he thought was cool . I didn't want this random surname for my child that I felt meant nothing.
I'd have used my name but I have my ex-husband's surname, plus my maiden name is something that could cause bullying.

In the end I went with my DP's surname and don't regret it, but if I didn't have issues with my own name I have used that.

I would not lumber a child with a shit surname.
He/she will get bullied trust me.
Give the child your surname. You can change it upon marriage tell your dp this. Then if you don't get married, you haven't lumbered your child with an awful surname and your child carries your name.
People will take the piss if you give the child a name like Hunt.

Even if his surname was fantastic, never a good plan IMO when you’re not married to give DC the man’s name.

In this case, the name is shit too!

No brainer.

And wouldn’t even change it upon marriage, since your name is better!

You say he’s considerate etc in general. This is your first DC? So his mettle has yet to be tested in that way. Many fathers ‘step up’ but many don’t and previously unrevealed sexism and flaws become clear.

For example, not yet known whether he will do a fair share of parenting - including at night - and the much increased domestic work. As you’re unmarried (unless you have high personal wealth) you’d be wise to continue working full time, and sharing parenting fully and both working FT will mean compromises in his working life.

Unless your surname is something like Bucking, I'd go double barrelled. Loads of kids have I these days. 5 in my class this year.

I grew up with a shit shit surname.
I grew up with a mum with a different surname to me.

It wasn’t the worst thing in the world but it did occasionally complicate things.
Use your surname. Your caveman will survive.

Give baby your name and double barrel on marriage.
But think carefully if you actually want to marry him considering his behaviour.