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Original poster

Baby's Surname dilema

77 replies

Beachbum21 · 22/06/2021 10:43

Hi everyone. I'd love your views!

We are expecting our first child this year. We are not yet married but plan to be. However, I really do not like my partner's surname.

Its 4 letters long and is spelt like a very rude word with just the initial letter different (without giving it away lol)!

I have convinced myself the child will get bullied at school. My friends and parents keep asking me what surname we are giving the child as they are apprehensive about it.

I have tried approaching the subject with my partner and suggested we double barrel our names giving the child the opportunity to drop one later in life if they wanted to so.

I do not want to take his name when we are married but feel double barrel is a fair compromise. After all it is 2021.

My partner is having none of it. He wants the child to take his name only. He is refusing to discuss the subject. He feels he will be embarrassed to explain we are double barrelling our name and is offended that I don't like it.

Am I being unreasonable? Have you experienced this yourself? How did you resolve the argument?

Many thanks!

OP posts:
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stellarfox · 22/06/2021 12:25

He’s being completely unreasonable! If you’re unmarried the traditional thing actually is baby should have your name, so you are being very fair double barrelling. I agree this is the fairest thing to do and what I’ve done personally too. If you get married you might both keep your own surnames so double barrelled means baby has both of your names

PicsInRed · 22/06/2021 12:33

If it was you with the surname which was similar to a offensive word, would you even consider double barreling, let alone lumbering your child with it as the only surname?

No, of course not.

Child's needs come over Dad's ego, so give the child your surname only and spare the child a lifetime of having an awkward surname to disclose on every meeting, phone call, job interview, first date etc etc.

The father is selfish and sexist. Don't marry him.

TeapotCollection · 22/06/2021 12:38

I have known LOADS of soon to be Mums over the years who have faced this choice. Without exception, every single one who included his name in any way has ended up regretting it

Your surname and your surname only

ScribblyBaller · 22/06/2021 12:40

I feel like some surnames should die out. I know someone who took the name Smellie when she got married, and now has a few Smellie kids. And I just think, why do that to them and to yourself? Confused

Original poster
Beachbum21 · 22/06/2021 12:51

Apart from this subject he's very considerate and we agree or compromise on everything to be fair to him. He's not a bad egg I promise!

But I agree shutting down the conversation is just childish on his part and is just creating unnecessary resentment between us.

My main aim is to reach a decision we are both happy with so as said before we are building a happy family unit. We just need to get over this obstacle.

You have all given me some excellent points to put forward I don't think either of us had honestly thought of!

OP posts:
ozzyfroggy · 22/06/2021 12:56

How does double barrelling solve the offensive name problem? Maybe that's why he thinks it's strange. He wants to marry you and start a family all sharing a name.

Good luck with whatever you decide OP.

yikesanotherbooboo · 22/06/2021 12:58

Don't give the baby your partner's surname if you are not married.

Velvian · 22/06/2021 13:00

Legally he has no say. It is 100% your decision. He has a terrible attitude.

ozzyfroggy · 22/06/2021 13:01

You'll figure it out OP. My OH tends to shut down when he feels pinned down on something. He has the easier name, so it was never an issue for us. And double barrelling a double barreled name ain't easy. We weren't married when our first arrived.

somersault · 22/06/2021 13:09

Put the baby first and use your surname. Children be bullied enough as it is without being lumbered with a surname like that. Your name is equally as valid an option as his (actually more valid given you are unmarried!) so I think what is best for the baby should win.

ILoveShula · 22/06/2021 13:51

Call the baby Michael

UhtredRagnarson · 22/06/2021 13:57

My partner is having none of it. He wants the child to take his name only. He is refusing to discuss the subject.

So meet him with the same. Have none of his argument, give the child your name only and refuse to discuss it.

DisgruntledPelican · 22/06/2021 14:07

My DS has both our surnames, but not double-barrelled. An option? It’s then easier to drop one in future, if preferred.

elfran · 22/06/2021 14:20

@DisgruntledPelican Do you mean both but without a hyphen? I think technically that is still double barrelled, but it's also what we've done (we're married and both kept our own names), for the same reason as you. I honestly don't mind if DD wants to drop one socially in future (even if it's mine!), I just wanted my name included on her official docs for travel, doctors, school reasons etc.

This might be a good option for you OP.

KirstenBlest · 22/06/2021 16:29

Technically, it doesn't need a hyphen, but generally a name like
Oscar Victor Fox Trott will be treated as Oscar Trott, whereas Juliet india Fox-Trott will be Juliet Fox-Trott

MeadowHay · 22/06/2021 17:27

I would probably just give the baby your surname if this is how your partner is behaving. If he can't have a reasonable discussion about names then God help you for the future with your child when it comes to making other decisions about them...

Our DC are double-barelled but then so are we since we got married. However I would never have simply taken his surname upon marriage nor would I ever countenance that as an option for our kids and he knew this well before we were married/had kids so it wasn't a shock. I decided to double barell my surname upon marriage so that it would match with any future children and DH decided to do the same. However at no point would he have expected us all to just take his surname and he wouldn't have been at all arsed if I'd just kept my maiden name as I was considering doing.

MimiSunshine · 22/06/2021 17:31

The baby will have your surname at birth, their hospital tags and records will be ‘Baby girl / boy Beachbum’.

The options are to keep it as Beachbum, add Hunt (or whatever) to it (either first or second) or change to just Hunt. But to only use Hunt isn’t what you want and would mean changing the babys surname.

So he can accept double barrel or not but babys surname is going to be Beachbum at birth

Dinopee · 22/06/2021 21:20

I kept my name when married and child has my name as my husbands last name has ‘cock’ in it and he got lots of unfortunate names in school.

This whole family sharing a name thing is bollocks.
The only way for you both to share a last name with child is to double barrel.
A name does not a family make.
If the whole family has to have a name- why not yours? Why the blokes unfortunate name?

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/06/2021 21:25

You hold all the cards here. Why should the baby have only his name when you won’t have his name and you’re not even married at the moment?

If he wants you to all have the same name he can change his to match yours and the baby’s.

Or he can keep his and the baby has yours or is double barrelled.

Die on this hill. It’s important.

Roberts25 · 22/06/2021 21:26

Why cant your partner change his surname to yours?

VenusClapTrap · 22/06/2021 21:34

Tell him he either discusses it like a grownup or the baby gets your name.

Lenny86 · 22/06/2021 21:35

Why do you have to change your name at all if you don’t want to? As you say it’s 2021, why do women still feel they have to change their names once they’re married and why do children have to take the man’s name? Double barrel your child’s name and either all of you change your surnames to be double barrelled or you and your husband both keep your own names

MissBPotter · 22/06/2021 21:36

Not a dilemma, you’re not married so baby has your name! Double barreling is generous - does it even sound ok with his dodgy name?

Oldbutstillgotit · 22/06/2021 21:43

I was at school with a girl who got married to a man with a really embarrassing surname . He took her name because he didn’t want his children to be be teased / bullied the way he was.

seamonster9 · 23/06/2021 00:09

Give your child your surname. It's not nice growing up with a ridiculous one, especially if you're not one of the popular kids. I'm speaking from experience.