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Original poster

AIBU not honouring dead family with name

52 replies

yippieplubath · 07/01/2021 18:03

friend's FIL lets call him Rodger died with friends DH was a teen. When friend was pregnant with a boy her DH was adamant that he wanted to honour his father with the name Rodger.

Friend felt it was offencive to say that she didn't like the name so came up with many more but her DH kept saying that it was really important for him to honour his father. The DH didn't place any value on middle names so didn't want it to be the middle name and was very happy for his wife to choose middle names of this child and the first names of any following child. The DH is a very nice man if this is relevant and this was something that made him feel closer to his father and that he really cared about.

The name isn't Rodger but its very similar and a little old fashioned. Friend didn't hate the name at all but didn't want to call her child this name and really wanted an unusual name.

If this was me I would have vetoed the name in a respectful name. For me I would want my child to have a first and second name that I really liked. Would this make me a raging bitch?

Baby Rodger is now 4

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EdgeOfACoin · 07/01/2021 18:19

If it were me and I disliked the name, I would have said middle name only. If there was an acceptable nickname that could be used, that may have been an acceptable compromise.

Presumably the child has the father's surname. If so, the FIL has been sufficiently respected.

However, the child's name may have bothered your friend less than it bothers you. If it was a name she didn't hate, she may have felt that this issue was more important to her husband than to her.

NeonSparkle · 07/01/2021 18:23

No I wouldn’t have used it if I absolutely hated it. Me and my husband have many dead close relatives but we didn’t use their names if we didn’t like the name. I would have said it’s middle spot or nothing in that instance.

EagleFlight · 07/01/2021 18:26

The child has two parents. Sometimes you need to reach a compromise. If a certain name meant that much to my DH then I would have agreed. You can always look at a proviso of a nickname you like or to be known by a middle name. Otherwise if you plan another child to have the choice of that one’s name.

Echobelly · 07/01/2021 18:29

Yeah, my granddad was a bit upset that we didn't use late aunt's name in our daughter's; I did really like aunt and she died tragically young but it was just, like OP's case, rather old-fashioned and not a name I like.

DD has her dad's grandma's name as a middle name, because said grandma died about a week before I found out I was expecting DD and I felt her name shoud be included. It was not a name we'd use for a first name as it was actually a really ubiquitous one when DD was born.

It can feel awkward to say no, but it can be done. Or might there be a variant or non-English version of the name that sounds better? If I'd had another daughter I might have used the Hebrew version of aunt's name which would be OK for me as a middle name.

BloggersBlog · 07/01/2021 18:31

Similar to Rodger..Hmm... is it Roger? I would never allow sentiment of a dead person to be the reason my child was called something. That is just weird

Neolara · 07/01/2021 18:34

I sort of had this. My DH has a unique name that has passed down the generations for 250 years. I felt I had to use it. So officially DS is X, but I and everyone else just call him a completely different name.

Original poster
yippieplubath · 07/01/2021 18:35

@NeonSparkle I get the impression friend really disliked the name. She is so lovely and agreeable and never brings up controversial topics unless they really bother her.

Would she have been really horrible to say no to both middle and first? The DH didn't care about middle just really pushed for first. It didn't help that the MIL started calling the bump 'Rodger' as soon as they found out her was a boy.

OP posts:
cptartapp · 07/01/2021 18:35

DH has a name that goes back five generations. Very unusual, only 3 in the U.K. He detests it.
We had two DS and neither have it. No one said a word.

MessAllOver · 07/01/2021 18:36

No, of course I wouldn't spend 18+ years shouting a name I disliked multiple times a day.

Imagine having to fill it in on every form, see it on every school book, certificate and list, sew name tapes onto every school sock and be repeatedly announced and known as "Rodger's Mummy" if you hated the name.

Your friend really should have stood her ground.

Original poster
yippieplubath · 07/01/2021 18:36

@BloggersBlog no its very similar, at least I think so

OP posts:
MimiDaisy11 · 07/01/2021 18:37

OP, have they had any more children? Did he stick to his word and let her name the second child?

Personally, I'd find it difficult to agree if I wasn't set on the name. I think middle names are best for honouring loved ones. Even if I liked the name I just don't like the idea of naming my child after someone. I want them to be their own person and not think expectations are on them.

Spudina · 07/01/2021 18:44

My Mum died when I was young. She had an old fashioned name that I have never liked. My brother used it as a middle name for my niece, but I have had 2 DDs and haven’t used it in either of their names. It’s a shame your friend wasn’t able to stand her ground.

BingBongToTheMoon · 07/01/2021 18:47

My FIL died just before our DD was born, if she had been a boy there’s no way I would’ve used his name. Babies need their own identity.

Insertfunnyname · 07/01/2021 18:51

Who’s surname did baby get? I’d want my surname at least if I was agreeing to Rodger!!

Standrewsschool · 07/01/2021 18:55

Tricky one.

Could you have a double-barrelled name. Ie. Roger-James?

KirstenBlest · 07/01/2021 19:07

Using it as a middle name is the sensible option.

tea4two4three · 07/01/2021 19:25

I was named after my grandad (unisex name) and whilst I like the sentiment I hate the name and do wish I'd been given my own name and maybe had my grandad's as a middle name.

lemonsquashie · 07/01/2021 19:53

Is it Gary?

KirstenBlest · 07/01/2021 19:56

I think it's Nigel.

katy1213 · 07/01/2021 19:56

Why beat about the bush? If I hated a name, I'd say so - no reflection on its dead owner.

TwilightSkies · 07/01/2021 20:07

I don’t get this whole ‘honour’ thing. Why name your child something you don’t like? Who benefits? Other than controlling, selfish family members?

IamnotwhouthinkIam · 07/01/2021 20:10

I couldn't do it. I think to honour love ones with a middle name the parent doesn't really like or is very dated/teasable is one thing, but as a first name it could be very unfair on the child (depending on the name).

Onlinedilema · 07/01/2021 20:41

No I would never name my child a name I disliked never mind hated, neither would dh. As an absolute maximum I would use it as a middle name. So in effect the child is called the exact same as his grandad. How would the dh feel if his dd was given the exact same name as his Mil even if he hated the name?

CathyorClaire · 07/01/2021 20:55

We drew a line under various hideous family names when ours were born.

No-one has ever blinked an eye.

Original poster
yippieplubath · 07/01/2021 20:58

@MimiDaisy11 they started trying again a while back and and had a miscarriage and stopped when covid came.

@Insertfunnyname my friend took her DH surname so the baby and her have his surname

@Standrewsschool I guess they could, if it were me I really wouldn't want a double barrel name

@lemonsquashie nope its an R name

@KirstenBlest nope

@TwilightSkies I think the same but her MIL thinks that her son should get to honour his father

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