Baby surname - advice needed

[Newmumoct20]

Hi

I really need the advice from people on here as to what to do next.

Some background, me and my partner have been together 2 years, I’ve just given birth to a beautiful baby boy after an incredibly difficult pregnancy. We haven’t been getting on for months and he often threatens to leave and be nasty about me to the point most days I’m upset.

I have to register the birth and I am adamant that I want our baby to have my surname. He is furious it’s not having his but bearing in mind his threats to leave I don’t feel this is the right thing.

I want to name him as the father but know if we go together to register the birth he will kick off about the name, and like so many other things I’ll be pushed into a corner and just agree. To add, he has said several times that if we don’t work out, he will want to see baby whenever he wants and he has threatened several times to get my baby taken off me, all the more reason to register the birth alone but I feel so awful about it all.

What I do know is that if I don’t register his details on the birth certificate he will definitely leave and not speak to me again. He has also said he will make things difficult with solicitors and alike, it’s so upsetting for me in these first few weeks where I should be bonding with my son not bickering or worrying about becoming a single mum.

Any advice most welcome!

[nowishtofly]

It's not usual to separate a 4 week old baby from its mother. It's quite cruel. You and baby are likely to be very stressed. Say no OP. Do anything you can do to get away or get him to leave, he sounds awful.

[nowishtofly]

Oh by the way OP, particularly if you are breastfeeding he would find it very difficult to be awarded much in the way of access to a small baby - and that's after him pursuing it through the courts. Certainly he wouldn't be taking the baby off to see relatives at 4 weeks old. Call his bluff - he said he would leave? Ask him when he is going. Find your anger to protect your child.

[Newmumoct20]

Thank you everyone. Him and his whole family are making me think I’m being unreasonable by saying no, we are in tier 3 and already I’ve had to give in to having his family over during lockdown and now, and the thought of him taking the baby an hour away for a few hours at just 4 weeks old just seems so wrong. It’s been a really upsetting few days

[Nell96]

Absolutely not - you just say no. It doesn't matter whether he's on the birth certificate or not, this is YOUR baby. Your baby is 4 weeks old and there's no way he should be taking him anywhere without you, especially not in the middle of a pandemic. Please please leave this vile man. You're not being unreasonable. Follow your instincts, and seek help from friends, family or one of the organisations mentioned previously. Do it soon, because this isn't going to get any better xx

[HeadPain]

"Newmumoct20
So the latest problem is next weekend he has said he will take the baby to see a relative without me whether I like it or not. I haven’t registered the birth so if he takes the baby and I’m not ok with it or he doesn’t return with the baby does he have any legal rights? I know what you are all going to say, he is an abuser, and I know this but I feel so trapped and I can’t just leave. I just need to know what’s what I order if it all goes wrong I can take back some control, I’m feeling very upset and emotional, our baby is just 4 weeks old"

Newmumoct20
"Thank you everyone. Him and his whole family are making me think I’m being unreasonable by saying no, we are in tier 3 and already I’ve had to give in to having his family over during lockdown and now, and the thought of him taking the baby an hour away for a few hours at just 4 weeks old just seems so wrong. It’s been a really upsetting few days"

It is wrong. You're not being unreasonable. There's no way he should be taking the baby away. Don't let him. Do you have family or friends to support you? As PP said please tell family, friends, organisations, or even legal route what has been going on.

[CodenameVillanelle]

@Newmumoct20

So the latest problem is next weekend he has said he will take the baby to see a relative without me whether I like it or not. I haven’t registered the birth so if he takes the baby and I’m not ok with it or he doesn’t return with the baby does he have any legal rights? I know what you are all going to say, he is an abuser, and I know this but I feel so trapped and I can’t just leave. I just need to know what’s what I order if it all goes wrong I can take back some control, I’m feeling very upset and emotional, our baby is just 4 weeks old

Why can't you leave? It's not just you at risk here it's your baby

[Newmumoct20]

Thank you all. The latest thing is now every other weekend he sees his older children. He now wants to stay over with them every other Friday and Saturday meaning 2 weekends a month I’ll be looking after the baby and being alone alone. It’s to start this weekend. I’m still relying on his help as I recover from my c section but even when better this seems like an unreasonable request. What do people think?

[CodenameVillanelle]

@Newmumoct20

Thank you all. The latest thing is now every other weekend he sees his older children. He now wants to stay over with them every other Friday and Saturday meaning 2 weekends a month I’ll be looking after the baby and being alone alone. It’s to start this weekend. I’m still relying on his help as I recover from my c section but even when better this seems like an unreasonable request. What do people think?

I think you should get used to looking after your baby alone and realise you don't need his help, then leave him

[PragmaticPrinciple]

Your situation is really horrible.

Have you got any friends or family nearby?

What things would you need his help for over a weekend?

I know it’s hard but I think you could gain a lot of confidence and independence from knowing you can manage without this really abusive man.

Make sure you have everything you need, enough nappies, food for you that is simple and quick to prepare.

If there are things you cannot do, like get up the stairs carrying the baby, then talk urgently to your HV.

Please talk to your HV anyway. And have a good look at the Women’s Aid website. Also there may be alternative local support for abused women.

What are the reasons that you can’t leave at the moment? I know it is particularly hard when there isn’t a family member you can go to.

Are you on maternity leave with a job to go back to?

[3rdNamechange]

If he's not on the BC and he takes the baby , phone the police immediately. Please tell him to leave asap your life will be better without him. It's hard with a baby alone , but you will manage. Do you have any family who can help you ?

[VenusClapTrap]

Op you need to get out yourself and your baby out of there. ASAP. Can you tell us why you think you can’t leave, so that we can help you to find a way to do so?

[HeadPain]

@Newmumoct20

Thank you all. The latest thing is now every other weekend he sees his older children. He now wants to stay over with them every other Friday and Saturday meaning 2 weekends a month I’ll be looking after the baby and being alone alone. It’s to start this weekend. I’m still relying on his help as I recover from my c section but even when better this seems like an unreasonable request. What do people think?

From everything you've said in your posts I'd be glad he's gone and I'd want him to stay away forever. Obviously if you really need help to care for the baby you need someone to help, does it have to be him? Is there anyone who can come over? Can you go anywhere? Are there official things for this situation? Similar to carers? Or some organisation where you can temporarily stay and they help with baby, until you recover at least? I know nothing about this stuff, maybe others can tell you specifics. By the way, I feel like you should talk to the police about this anyway, but I'm not sure you can if no crime has happened, I don't know if one has, it's possible there has been, but anyway, police record 'non-crime' incidents and offensive words all the time. If not police please at least contact a women's/domestic abuse charity/help/advice line/group, where they are experts. I'm worried about your and the baby's safety since he has been abusive towards you and has threatened to take the baby without your permission. Not to be dramatic or scare you but I've read too many reports about the this type of thing, how it develops and the terrible way it can end up. Alarm bells are ringing. You and/or your baby could be in danger now or in the future. I hope you can safely leave him and be safe away from him in a place where he doesn't know you are. Please do contact a charity/advice group/centre and tell them everything.

[Newmumoct20]

Thank you all for your comments. I’m still with my partner. He is threatening to leave over so many things. He got as far as the car today and then said he was going no where. Now we are arguing about Christmas and how we will split our time across our two families and yet again I’m hearing that he will take our baby wherever he wants whether I’m with him or not. His family apparentlything this is acceptable but I don’t believe it is. I’m not being unreasonable, our baby is a few weeks old, we are in tier 3 so shouldn’t be mixing outside of our set bubbles and I don’t feel comfortable mixing or breaking the rules more than I’ve had to to appease him already.

He’s said if he leaves he will get the best solicitors to make sure he can see the baby whenever he wants not allowing me to have a routine or get on with my life so I’m damned if I stay with him and damned if I don’t. I feel so lost in the situation. I love him but he’s so nasty and if he doesn’t get his way gets emotionally abusive and calls me names. I didn’t want this for my son. Would welcome any virtual hugs or advice at this really difficult time.

[RainingBatsAndFrogs]

He’s said if he leaves he will get the best solicitors to make sure he can see the baby whenever he wants not allowing me to have a routine or get on with my life

This won’t happen. Access, yes, but a set time. He is making stuff up to threaten and blackmail you.

You can’t live like this, OP. And as you say, don’t want it for your baby. It isn’t healthy to live with someone who calls you names.

Love yourself and your baby.

[Sexnotgender]

No solicitor will advise unrestricted whenever the hell he wants access.

He’s talking absolute shit. Stop believing him.

You need this loser out of your life ASAP.

[resm]

If you have a bubble in place, can you move in with them? All of his threats and actions seem very dramatic with no intention of actually following through: sitting in the car but admitting he wasn’t going to drive off anywhere, spouting ridiculous legal advice without having spoken to anyone.

If you have the full support of family or friends and you go, he probably wouldn’t know what to say or do. His family don’t sound like people I would want around my baby either. You love your little boy and rightfully want a better life for him than this. Please don’t let him grow up seeing this abuse as ordinary behaviour.

[ElementalIllusion]

@Sexnotgender

No solicitor will advise unrestricted whenever the hell he wants access.

He’s talking absolute shit. Stop believing him.

You need this loser out of your life ASAP.

1000% this.

Why are you still with him?
He treats you like rubbish, verbally abuses you, threatens you constantly and controls you.

What he is telling you is absolute rubbish.
There’s no such thing as ordered unrestricted access, they only way he would get it is if you agreed offered it, which you won’t.

Stop letting him have all this power,
Do you really think you will be worse off alone than living like this?
either leave him or throw him out and change the locks.

Have you registered the birth yet?
If not go first thing tomorrow tell them it’s an emergency if you can’t get an appointment and I’m sure they will be a blessing to squeeze you in.

While you are waiting you can make an application to the courts for a residency order and put in a claim for child maintenance.
If it’s his house and you can’t make him leave, pack a bag and go stay with family, if you don’t have anywhere to go they council will help you.

You have options.
Ycan not continue to live like this.

[ElementalIllusion]

Argh, sorry for all the typos.

[Hohofortherobbers]

He's horrific, leave! Leave today. Stop placating this arsehole

[VenusClapTrap]

He will continue to make you and your child miserable unless you leave him. This will not get better.

His threats are empty; no court will do what he’s describing.

[Newmumoct20]

Thank you everyone. I’m still with him. There never seems a right time to ask him to go, first the birth, then Christmas. He has become nastier of late, keeps threatening to leave but never does, it’s started to escalate into him taking the temper out on things, plates, cutlery, doors! I feel so torn, I love him and he is a good dad to the baby when he is here and not being nasty calling me names, most commonly a drip or today a boring c’*t! I’m so upset.

[CodenameVillanelle]

Men who slam things around and call their partners names are NOT good dads. What he's doing is harming your baby. He's a terrible dad.

[AliceMcK]

I agree with others do it yourself and use your surname. He already sounds like a controlling bully, you don’t want to give him any more ammunition to use against you and having his name on the birth certificate will do that.

I have a couple of cousins who were in similar positions. One of my aunts pretty much forced one of my cousins not to put the dads name down, even though he wasn’t doing any of the things your boyfriend is doing. My cousin has been grateful ever since as he turned out to be just what my aunt suspected and made all sorts of threats, even took the baby (toddler by this stage) from nursery one day after my cousin left him and refused to tell her where they where, lots of threats of he’s my son you will never see him again crap. Had his name been on the birth certificate there would have been nothing my cousin could have done without a court order, as it was the police arrested him. No charges were pressed but he has backed off now. It wasn’t because he wanted his child or what was best for him, he just wanted to hurt my cousin.

My other cousin didn’t put the dad down on either of their children’s birth certificates. The difference here is the dad fully understood and respected my cousins reasons. Even after they split up they have been amicable and put the DCs first.

[AliceMcK]

@CodenameVillanelle

Men who slam things around and call their partners names are NOT good dads. What he's doing is harming your baby. He's a terrible dad.

100% agree!

[FraggleShingleBellRock]

He is not a good dad.

He is preventing you from being a god mum. Your son is learning that this quality of life, this abuse- is perfectly normal.

You need to get rid of him.

Do not put him on the birth certificate and then he has ZERO rights over your baby. If he takes your baby, the police will get him back as he isn't listed as the father and has NO rights.

It will cost him ££££ to go to court. He very likely will not bother at all and honestly? Your sun will be better off of this man drops off the planet because he is a terrible dad. He is abusive.