Baby surname - advice needed

[Newmumoct20]

Hi

I really need the advice from people on here as to what to do next.

Some background, me and my partner have been together 2 years, I’ve just given birth to a beautiful baby boy after an incredibly difficult pregnancy. We haven’t been getting on for months and he often threatens to leave and be nasty about me to the point most days I’m upset.

I have to register the birth and I am adamant that I want our baby to have my surname. He is furious it’s not having his but bearing in mind his threats to leave I don’t feel this is the right thing.

I want to name him as the father but know if we go together to register the birth he will kick off about the name, and like so many other things I’ll be pushed into a corner and just agree. To add, he has said several times that if we don’t work out, he will want to see baby whenever he wants and he has threatened several times to get my baby taken off me, all the more reason to register the birth alone but I feel so awful about it all.

What I do know is that if I don’t register his details on the birth certificate he will definitely leave and not speak to me again. He has also said he will make things difficult with solicitors and alike, it’s so upsetting for me in these first few weeks where I should be bonding with my son not bickering or worrying about becoming a single mum.

Any advice most welcome!

[emilybrontescorsett]

Definately go alone and give your child your surname.

[Scottishskifun]

Please seek help OP from women's support charities whether you see it or not this is a form of abuse! Please contact them to discuss coercive control this is also illegal BTW and a form of domestic abuse.

By the way his empty threats of expensive solicitors are just that empty! A court would not award a young baby to dad unless there was serious safe guarding issues. You sound like a fantastic mum who is doing your best for your child. He is trying to use emotional blackmail. A court may award access but as said when very young this will be limited.
He cannot take the baby where ever he likes if you are worried about potential of him running away with baby contact the police.

A baby should not be in a car seat for longer than 30 minutes before a month old and then max 2 hours as well.

Please leave or get him to leave also contact your family/close friend to support you. This is allowed under tier 3 to support you.

[rainbowstardrops]

He's a disgusting excuse for a partner and father! You need to register your baby without him and leave him off the birth certificate. Then get you and the baby away from the bully!
I imagine you'll be posting tomorrow or Saturday saying how he wrecked Christmas

[Alonelonelyloner]

Not only is this Man abusive but he is also clearly an idiot and the thing is, he's treating you like you are one.

There is no other good option than to remove him, by any means possible other than murder, from your and your baby's life. You possibly won't now, maybe it'll take you a long time, but each day you wait, you'll never get back. One life OP.

[wishywashywoowoo70]

The right time to ask him to leave is immediately. This is not a relationship this is a load of shit.
The best thing I ever did was not give my DD my ex's surname. You deserve much better than this absolute dick in your life
His threats of solicitors are bullshit. A solicitor can't make you go anything and will likely tell
Him he can't make unreasonable demands.
Do yourself a massive favour and get away from
him.

[LassFromLeedsWithALustForLife]

Definitely give the baby your surname. Even if that means him not coming and not being on the certificate. You can always add him later if he suddenly changes his ways and becomes a good and living partner and father. I’m concerned that you say you’re always worn down though, you shouldn’t feel like that in a healthy relationship.

[xmas20]

Op, what are you doing? This man is abusing you. You need to get yourself and your baby away from him.

Contact your health visitor first thing tomorrow morning. Tell her you need some support.

Do you actually want to leave this man? It doesn't sound like you want to leave him.

[pepperpod28]

He is not a.good partner and he is not a good dad. Are your family near by? Tier 3 or not you are allowed to break covid regulations to escape domestic abuse - and be in no two minds about it, that's exactly what this is. How long until he takes it out on you and not random objects? Please, if you can't kick him out then is there somewhere you can go and be safe? For you and your baby's sake.

[ducktales1986]

F*cking hell, you've got to get yourself and your son away from this man. Make a plan and leave as soon as possible. You both deserve more.

[Voice0fReason]

He is not a good dad.
Good dads care about their baby's needs - he will use his baby to manipulate you.

How much does he actually care about the 2 children he already has? It doesn't seem like he is fighting for custody or more access to them.

He is just trying to threaten you into being his doormat - you deserve better. Get rid of him. Let him make his threats. He will be able to get access, if he bothers to try, but it will be at set times and will not be overnight for a long time. Your baby's needs will be the court's top priority.
You will be much happier without him and you will manage.

[MrsDeadlock]

I'm so sorry he is abusing you and your precious baby so horrifically. That's what it is, abuse.

Whose house is it? Do you have anywhere else you could go? Have you thought of contacting womens aid or the police?

I hope you find the strength to leave

[JumpingJamboree]

I think you need to look at this situation from an outsiders perspective and maybe then you will see how fucked up it is.
What he is doing and in turn what you are allowing him to do, is damaging to your baby. YOU need to do the right thing for your child which is kicking him out and not letting him back. It doesn't matter how much you love him as, from your posts, he clearly doesn't love or respect you.
If you haven't already, register the birth with your surname and for the love of god, don't put his name on there as the dad!! If you put him on there, you will be tied to him for the next 18 years whether you are with him or not.

[Allgirlskidsanddogs]

Register without him. Use your surname. If he wants to be on the paperwork make him take you through the courts. Don’t roll over and let him have his way he sounds unpleasant at best.

[Nell96]

@CodenameVillanelle

Men who slam things around and call their partners names are NOT good dads. What he's doing is harming your baby. He's a terrible dad.

This is spot on.

There will never be a good time to ask him to leave. There will always be a reason why it's just easier not to. Please please get in touch with one of the organisations suggested previously, in addition to your health visitor. Get the support you need and leave him. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your baby.

[FraggleShingleBellRock]

He is not a good dad.

He is preventing you from being a god mum. Your son is learning that this quality of life, this abuse- is perfectly normal.

You need to get rid of him.

Do not put him on the birth certificate and then he has ZERO rights over your baby. If he takes your baby, the police will get him back as he isn't listed as the father and has NO rights.

It will cost him ££££ to go to court. He very likely will not bother at all and honestly? Your sun will be better off of this man drops off the planet because he is a terrible dad. He is abusive.

[AliceMcK]

@CodenameVillanelle

Men who slam things around and call their partners names are NOT good dads. What he's doing is harming your baby. He's a terrible dad.

100% agree!

[AliceMcK]

I agree with others do it yourself and use your surname. He already sounds like a controlling bully, you don’t want to give him any more ammunition to use against you and having his name on the birth certificate will do that.

I have a couple of cousins who were in similar positions. One of my aunts pretty much forced one of my cousins not to put the dads name down, even though he wasn’t doing any of the things your boyfriend is doing. My cousin has been grateful ever since as he turned out to be just what my aunt suspected and made all sorts of threats, even took the baby (toddler by this stage) from nursery one day after my cousin left him and refused to tell her where they where, lots of threats of he’s my son you will never see him again crap. Had his name been on the birth certificate there would have been nothing my cousin could have done without a court order, as it was the police arrested him. No charges were pressed but he has backed off now. It wasn’t because he wanted his child or what was best for him, he just wanted to hurt my cousin.

My other cousin didn’t put the dad down on either of their children’s birth certificates. The difference here is the dad fully understood and respected my cousins reasons. Even after they split up they have been amicable and put the DCs first.

[CodenameVillanelle]

Men who slam things around and call their partners names are NOT good dads. What he's doing is harming your baby. He's a terrible dad.

[Newmumoct20]

Thank you everyone. I’m still with him. There never seems a right time to ask him to go, first the birth, then Christmas. He has become nastier of late, keeps threatening to leave but never does, it’s started to escalate into him taking the temper out on things, plates, cutlery, doors! I feel so torn, I love him and he is a good dad to the baby when he is here and not being nasty calling me names, most commonly a drip or today a boring c’*t! I’m so upset.

[VenusClapTrap]

He will continue to make you and your child miserable unless you leave him. This will not get better.

His threats are empty; no court will do what he’s describing.

[Hohofortherobbers]

He's horrific, leave! Leave today. Stop placating this arsehole

[ElementalIllusion]

Argh, sorry for all the typos.

[ElementalIllusion]

@Sexnotgender

No solicitor will advise unrestricted whenever the hell he wants access.

He’s talking absolute shit. Stop believing him.

You need this loser out of your life ASAP.

1000% this.

Why are you still with him?
He treats you like rubbish, verbally abuses you, threatens you constantly and controls you.

What he is telling you is absolute rubbish.
There’s no such thing as ordered unrestricted access, they only way he would get it is if you agreed offered it, which you won’t.

Stop letting him have all this power,
Do you really think you will be worse off alone than living like this?
either leave him or throw him out and change the locks.

Have you registered the birth yet?
If not go first thing tomorrow tell them it’s an emergency if you can’t get an appointment and I’m sure they will be a blessing to squeeze you in.

While you are waiting you can make an application to the courts for a residency order and put in a claim for child maintenance.
If it’s his house and you can’t make him leave, pack a bag and go stay with family, if you don’t have anywhere to go they council will help you.

You have options.
Ycan not continue to live like this.

[resm]

If you have a bubble in place, can you move in with them? All of his threats and actions seem very dramatic with no intention of actually following through: sitting in the car but admitting he wasn’t going to drive off anywhere, spouting ridiculous legal advice without having spoken to anyone.

If you have the full support of family or friends and you go, he probably wouldn’t know what to say or do. His family don’t sound like people I would want around my baby either. You love your little boy and rightfully want a better life for him than this. Please don’t let him grow up seeing this abuse as ordinary behaviour.

[Sexnotgender]

No solicitor will advise unrestricted whenever the hell he wants access.

He’s talking absolute shit. Stop believing him.

You need this loser out of your life ASAP.