Baby surname - advice needed

[Newmumoct20]

Hi

I really need the advice from people on here as to what to do next.

Some background, me and my partner have been together 2 years, I’ve just given birth to a beautiful baby boy after an incredibly difficult pregnancy. We haven’t been getting on for months and he often threatens to leave and be nasty about me to the point most days I’m upset.

I have to register the birth and I am adamant that I want our baby to have my surname. He is furious it’s not having his but bearing in mind his threats to leave I don’t feel this is the right thing.

I want to name him as the father but know if we go together to register the birth he will kick off about the name, and like so many other things I’ll be pushed into a corner and just agree. To add, he has said several times that if we don’t work out, he will want to see baby whenever he wants and he has threatened several times to get my baby taken off me, all the more reason to register the birth alone but I feel so awful about it all.

What I do know is that if I don’t register his details on the birth certificate he will definitely leave and not speak to me again. He has also said he will make things difficult with solicitors and alike, it’s so upsetting for me in these first few weeks where I should be bonding with my son not bickering or worrying about becoming a single mum.

Any advice most welcome!

Definitely register in just your name. Do not be intimidated by a Nan who is prepared to bully you to get what he wants.

Its seems my information is incorrect, I will ask for MN to take my post down.

Please give the child your name and only you on the BC. Good luck to you both

Thank you everyone for your advice. So I spoke with my partner and was honest that I wasn’t happy and that I wanted to do the right thing for me and the baby but being with him meant I felt that wasn’t possible. I really want the baby to have my name but didn’t want my partner not to be named on the BC but told him if he wasn’t going to accept my choice I would have no option but to register baby alone and he wouldn’t be on the BC. He has agreed to the baby having my name and wants to be with me at the registration and has said that in the next few months he will show me how good a partner he can be so maybe at a later date I’ll change it to his. I guess we will just have to wait and see. I hope this is the right thing to do x

I gave my first baby my name with the dad on the BC. We got married and re-registered the birth with our married surname. No fuss, no problems and we all have the same surname now. So if it works out and you get married then you can change the BC anyway.

No. Please do NOT put him on the birth certificate.

I am sure that he has been reading up on this and knows only too wll that once he's on that certificate - he has rights. And you cannot take them away.

Do it differently. Register alone.

He can THEN prove that he's a good father over time - and he can be added later if he does indeed do that.

He's going to be nice as pie and the perfect partner until his name is on - and then that certificate will be waved in your face and he'll be snarling that he's going to make sure he has the final say on it all - schools, travel, if you want to move - he can control it all.

Don't do this.

Oh and once on the certificate he can also petition to get his name added and force you to double barrel.

He's abusive. In the nicest way possible, it would be better if he did leave. Controlling men don't change and it's damaging to children - even babies - to be living in that environment.

With your current plan, what are you going to do when he does kick off when you're registering the birth? You said before that you'd cave if he did that, so what has changed for you to feel you won't now?

@YoniAndGuy

No. Please do NOT put him on the birth certificate.

I am sure that he has been reading up on this and knows only too wll that once he's on that certificate - he has rights. And you cannot take them away.

Do it differently. Register alone.

He can THEN prove that he's a good father over time - and he can be added later if he does indeed do that.

He's going to be nice as pie and the perfect partner until his name is on - and then that certificate will be waved in your face and he'll be snarling that he's going to make sure he has the final say on it all - schools, travel, if you want to move - he can control it all.

Don't do this.

THIS

I fear that @YoniAndGuy may be right. Once he's on the bc he has parental rights. He's nasty to you, he's threatened to have your baby taken off you, he's promised to make life very difficult for you. He clearly doesn't have the best interests of either you or your baby at heart. Make him prove himself first - you can add him on later, but you can't take him off.

Glad that he's agreed but don't feel intimidated if he changes his mind in the day.

And if you are thinking of changing it later, that should be after he's had at least a couple of years proving how he's a good father and partner.

So unsurprisingly the acts of good Will didn’t last. We haven’t been getting on all week. Today he came home threatening to leave again. Told me that his family want nothing to do with me cos I’m a retard and special needs cos I don’t want to break lockdown rules with a tiny baby. He said he didn’t mean anything he said last week to make things better and that if the baby doesn’t have his name he will make my life hell. He wants to go, will get solicitors involved so he can see the baby whenever he wants. He has said he won’t take the baby off me but that’s only because he doesn’t want the responsibility and wants to enjoy himself and his life without me. I feel devastated. Could really do with some support. I’m thinking next week I need to get legal advice.

He really is a nasty piece of work. You and your baby will be much better off without him.

For legal advice, try Rights of Women - they have information on their website and a family law advice line. You could also contact your local citizens advice; they don't offer legal advice but can signpost to local solicitors and law clinics that are free or low cost.

He's shown his true colours again.

Don't put him on the north certificate. He would have parental responsibility for the baby and this gives him the power to make your life hell.

If he wants to take you to court let him. Don't give him the power to hurt you.

Sorry to hear this op but it was entirely predictable after the way he’s behaved before. It’s good that he’s don’t this now before you put him on the bc.

Get him out of your home, get legal advice and make sure he’s paying maintenance. Your life will be so much happier and more peaceful without this idiot.

I just feel so sad and upset. My confidence is on the floor. Today he has said I’m boring, not a proper woman cos I’m not doing all the chores cos I’m recovering from a c section, fat and ugly. He also says I don’t know what I’m doing. The baby is just a few weeks old. I’m doing the best I can as a first time mum. It’s really tough

You don't really need legal advice at this stage but you need to get him away from you both. Has he left?

Essentially this relationship is not going to work so keep him under your name ( as he has been since birth). So much easier for you long term to have the same names. Loose the man though he is just going to make like more difficult for you.
Good lu k enjoy your new baby and move forward!

It's understandable you feel very low with this, but you just brought a baby into the world, how much more of a woman could you be?! He's nowhere near a real man, he's a selfish delusional little boy. You and your baby deserve so much more.

Oh my goodness - you poor thing. You are doing an amazing job. Don't listen to him, he sounds like a total loser. You need to leave him, you deserve so much better than this. As far as I am concerned, his behavior constitutes verbal and emotional abuse. Have a look at some of these links and get in touch with these organizations - hopefully they'll be able to provide some support and point you in the right direction. I wish you and your baby the best of luck:

Refuge - Recognising abuse - www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/recognising-abuse/

Women's Aid - Am I in an abusive relationship? - www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

Rights of Women - as PP suggested. They have an advice line which may be helpful - rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

And also, I would ignore his comments about getting solicitors involved etc. I'd put money on him being too lazy and / or disorganized to do anything of the sort. He's just trying to scare you.

He’s a nasty piece of work. Have you got any RL support from family and friends?

The name is the last of your worries.
You’re living with an abusive man.
There’s no solicitor and I doubt there ever will be, and he won’t ever get what he wants.

It sounds like you fear him leaving, but leaving truly would be the safest thing for you and your baby. Look at how he speaks to you now, what he thinks of you. He should be taking care of you, not telling your your lazy after a csection FFS!!!

As your baby grows this fucker is going to get worse. Honestly.

Let him/make him go. If you cannot, contact the links above.

There is no doubt about it, You need to escape this vile man.

I've seen your updates. Big hugs! Are you getting all the support you can IRL? Family? Friends? Your partner is not supportive at all and you are far better to let him go than try to cling on and put up with his much less than helpful abuse. Reach out to others for support. And you can seek your own legal advice re his threats about the baby. And keep a record of any nasty and/or threatening stuff he says to you.
And definitely register baby with your surname, and any doubts about how he'll behave, go on your own.

So the latest problem is next weekend he has said he will take the baby to see a relative without me whether I like it or not. I haven’t registered the birth so if he takes the baby and I’m not ok with it or he doesn’t return with the baby does he have any legal rights? I know what you are all going to say, he is an abuser, and I know this but I feel so trapped and I can’t just leave. I just need to know what’s what I order if it all goes wrong I can take back some control, I’m feeling very upset and emotional, our baby is just 4 weeks old

@Newmumoct20

So the latest problem is next weekend he has said he will take the baby to see a relative without me whether I like it or not. I haven’t registered the birth so if he takes the baby and I’m not ok with it or he doesn’t return with the baby does he have any legal rights? I know what you are all going to say, he is an abuser, and I know this but I feel so trapped and I can’t just leave. I just need to know what’s what I order if it all goes wrong I can take back some control, I’m feeling very upset and emotional, our baby is just 4 weeks old

you say no simple as that

regardless if he isonthe birth cert or not-he should not be taking hte baby to meet people. we are in a pandemic and regardless he is out of order.

absolutely do not put him on the birth certificate. if you arnt together before birth, i am not a fan of this anyhow