Baby's surname

[lbanana]

I have an issue deciding on baby's surname! Baby's Dad and I aren't together (long story, long on and off relationship, definitely off before I knew I was pregnant, blah blah). He would like her to have his surname, and kind of keeps badgering me about it. I've said I'm leaning towards double barrelling the surname, as I think it acknowledges us both as parents, and in theory she could decide what she wants when she's older. He is not keen on that at all. I haven't mentioned the possibility of her just having my name. I'm assuming he'll stick around, but don't know for sure as he hasn't always been reliable for me in the past. Thoughts? Does it matter that much which surname she has? She won't be arriving for another 3 months, but he asks all the time!

Give the baby your name. His preference is irrelevant.

@Aquamarine1029

Give the baby your name. His preference is irrelevant.

^ this

Give the baby your surname. You've said yourself that he's not reliable so if you give the baby his surname you're (potentially) giving your baby a constant reminder of their absent father. Not that there's any point saying this to him as I'm sure he'll swear that he will stick around. I would just tell his that traditionally babies take their mother's surname (which would be the same surname as the father if the parents were married) so it will be X.

Agree with previous replies. Give your surname.

It's traditional for the baby to have the mother's surname.

I think there are reasons not to do this if you don't want to - but in your case, I would definitely give the baby your surname only.

Yours of course.

Yours 100%

Yours, or hyphenate both.
Definitely not just his.

Yours 100%. You register your baby's birth, he cannot do it alone. Therefore you just do it without telling him.

If he is unreliable now, far better for her to just have your surname. If you give your baby his surname you will never get to remove it. The courts will not allow you to change it at a later date.

Fast forward 5 years you marry, change your surname, you have a baby with your husband, you want to change your eldest child's surname to match, easy if that baby has your surname, impossible if they have their Dad's.

Also travelling with a child that does not share your surname can be problematic. My friend was stopped in an airport coming home, had to get her partner to email the children's birth certificates to prove she was their mother as they had her partner's surname.

Presumably you’ll want to go on holiday with your child at some point in the future and her having his name may be problematic. Your name would be much more practical in all ways.

My DC have my DH’s name with mine as a middle. I’m happy with this but we’re married so it is different as obviously there is a commitment there and I trust him to be there for the DC every day.
It still means that a lot of school teachers and parents only know their surnames not mine so I get “Mrs DHName” from their form teachers a lot. I find it funny really but I imagine it would be pretty annoying if we weren’t even together.

Give your baby your surname, i heavily regret giving my eldest his fathers surname and many years later i have changed it by depol due to him being born before 2003 luckily didn't need deadbeat fathers permission!

Your name. He’s flaky already but thinks he can dictate the name. You can always offer to double barrel when child is maybe 10 if he’s an amazing dad.

Your name. I regret giving my eldest his dads

The reality is that you'll be the one dealing with doctors, dentists, schools etc for your DC. Do you really want to have a different surname to your child when dealing with all that and having to explain every time - I'm Miss Xxx, little Johnny Y's Mum....?

Why would you give your child the surname of a man who hasn't treated you very well? Probably because you're hoping that it will make him treat you better and maybe come back to you? If that is the case then you need to get a grip of yourself. It's never gonna happen.

Personally I wouldn't put him on the BC either if he's not committed. That would just be asking for trouble later down the line, and he doesn't need to be on the BC to pay maintenance.

Don't give the baby his name! Why would you? Just because he wants you to? What about what you want? What about honouring your family or whatever line he is going for.

Practically, your whole life is going to be easier if you and your child have the same name. Especially if you decide to have another child in them future.

Emotionally it will be good for your child. You will be a unit. 'We are the Browns' gives a sense of identity which is nice.

Traditionally babies have their mother's surname if you aren't married. People didn't go around claiming other people's names for their baby, they had their name.

Most importantly, this is your baby. Don't eradicate yourself before he or she is even born.

Is your ex also pressuring you to build a cot and get his maintenance payments set up? Has he been on a paediatric first aid course and learnt his phonic sounds? Or is it just this he's enthusiastically looking ahead at?

Use yours. Stand your ground on this.

XP wouldn't let me use mine or double barrel it and it's a pain.

Your surname, for sure!!

He has already messed you about and been unreliable.

I would even think twice about putting him in the birth certificate.

Do you want to seek his written permission to take your child abroad for a holiday until your child is 16? For him to be able to veto your choice of school?

He can (and should be encouraged to) have a great relationship with your child, be present, be loving etc. All that can happen without him having the same surname as the child.

The reality is that you'll be the one dealing with doctors, dentists, schools etc for your DC. Do you really want to have a different surname to your child when dealing with all that and having to explain every time - I'm Miss Xxx, little Johnny Y's Mum....?

I’m married to my 10 year old DD’s dad. Never changed name. Use Ms.

DD has her dad’s surname and mine as a middle name. I have never had any issue with having a different surname to her. Including travel around the world with her on my own since she was a newborn.

My cousin had a baby with someone she wasn’t with earlier this year. Was determined to give her surname but he persuaded her at the last minute to go with her surname as a middle name and his as the surname. We went on the BC. She went along with it because “he’s a good bloke and will definitely do the right thing”.

He was great for the first 6 weeks? 6 months on he’s taking her to court because he wants 50/50 contact and to take baby hundreds of miles away every other week. (Cousin is breastfeeding and terrified of baby getting stuck up north if another lockdown happens/the dad refuses to return the baby.). I foresee a lifetime of hassle.

Do you want to seek his written permission to take your child abroad for a holiday until your child is 16? For him to be able to veto your choice of school?

He can go to court to be given PR very easily.

Absolutely give the baby your surname. And I say that as someone who chose to be Mrs DHname and has kids whose surname is DHname.

All this “it’s traditional to have the father’s name” is utter bollocks. It was traditional to be married to the mother and for her to change her name. But it was her name - albeit her married name - that then went to the children. Unmarried mothers’ babies had the mother’s surname.

Baby gets your surname, don't be a victim of the patriarchy.

Your name.

Give baby your surname. The children of unmarried women have always had their mothers name’s until the last couple of decades. Baby will be with you much more for a start.

I'm in a long term committed relationship with plans to marry imminently and baby still got my surname. 1. It's tradition to get the mother's surname 2. She's my baby too and I want her to share my name (he is welcome to change to my surname too)