Baby's surname

[lbanana]

I have an issue deciding on baby's surname! Baby's Dad and I aren't together (long story, long on and off relationship, definitely off before I knew I was pregnant, blah blah). He would like her to have his surname, and kind of keeps badgering me about it. I've said I'm leaning towards double barrelling the surname, as I think it acknowledges us both as parents, and in theory she could decide what she wants when she's older. He is not keen on that at all. I haven't mentioned the possibility of her just having my name. I'm assuming he'll stick around, but don't know for sure as he hasn't always been reliable for me in the past. Thoughts? Does it matter that much which surname she has? She won't be arriving for another 3 months, but he asks all the time!

Your name!

I kept my name & my kids have DH’s name, it’s never caused me any issues, but it still irritates me & I still wish we had double barrelled (DH didn’t want to). In your situation you would be absolutely bonkers not to give your name.

There is no way my babies would have had any surname different to mine. Think that’s why he realised it’d be a good idea to marry me 😂

Your surname. He's not keen, too bad. Wouldn't actually put him on the birth certificate at all. You can go and register the baby by yourself, you don't need him there at all.

Definitely give baby both your surnames. She can go by whichever one she likes best when older.

Your name, your name.

Why on earth would you give the human you've grown from your own body someone else's name?! The baby can change it to whatever she likes on 18, but for now, your name. I wouldn't double barrel, what a pain.

The point that if he wants to match baby, he can change his by deed poll easily, is a good one.

If he'll be a good co-parent, and wants to be on the birth cert, then give him PR via the birth cert. If he's a pita, make him get PR via court of he wants it.

@Ojj37

There is no way my babies would have had any surname different to mine. Think that’s why he realised it’d be a good idea to marry me 😂

And change his name to yours? Or did you just give yours up?

@Bravefarts

Your name, your name.

Why on earth would you give the human you've grown from your own body someone else's name?! The baby can change it to whatever she likes on 18, but for now, your name. I wouldn't double barrel, what a pain.

I felt the opposite. I felt her move and grow in me. I don’t need to share a surname to know she’s mine.

I regretted not giving my first daughter my surname and she ended up changing at 16 anyway. Second daughter has my name, it was non negotiable

You may not need to share a surname. But why choose deliberately to give the child someone else's name? Someone who is going to find it easier than you to walk away if they choose? Giving the child a surname isn't going to tie a father down if they don't want. There are no benefits to giving the father's name, lots to giving the mother's name.

@Bravefarts

You may not need to share a surname. But why choose deliberately to give the child someone else's name? Someone who is going to find it easier than you to walk away if they choose? Giving the child a surname isn't going to tie a father down if they don't want. There are no benefits to giving the father's name, lots to giving the mother's name.

She has my name as a middle name. She uses them interchangeably.

It also means that if (god forbid) she follows the patriarchal approach and changes her name if she marries etc, it won’t be my name she loses!

I'd give her your surname only! I did with my DS and I'm very glad I did

@feminist10101

What logic is that? Giving her someone else's name, so that if she decides to change her name in the future, it's someone else's name she's replacing?

Why would any mother give a child a name that isn't hers? What reason is there to give someone else's name to your child? Not "why give the baby your name"? But "why choose someone else's, who may or may not stay in their life, name for your child?"

I would say his as middle name and yours as surname. I would not double barrel

I've heard mums say that they thought it would tether the dad to the child... instead the dad still fucks off/dicks around, and the child's name makes no difference to that.

Give the baby your surname. All through my pregnancy I was certain my baby would have mine and I got talked out of it (various reasons)
I regretted it ever since. My baby should have my surname and if I could go back in time I would.

Why are you even considering giving your DC this mans surname?

My eldest got my surname when he was born as my situation was similar to yours. He does not have any rights to dictate to you that the DC should have his surname.

What logic is that? Giving her someone else's name, so that if she decides to change her name in the future, it's someone else's name she's replacing?

That wasn’t the reason.

Why would any mother give a child a name that isn't hers? What reason is there to give someone else's name to your child? Not "why give the baby your name"? But "why choose someone else's, who may or may not stay in their life, name for your child?"

I had been married to DD’s father for 8 years before we had her. I did not feel any need to share a surname with her, just as I don’t feel the need to share a surname with my husband. We discussed every possible option and decided on his surname and mine as a middle name. It could have gone the other way, she could have had a hybrid of both names (double barrelling would have meant a 7 syllable surname) or a completely different name.

I’m no less her mother. My name is In her name and so on her BC and passport. She knows where she came from and (in case you missed it) she uses both names interchangeably anyway.

Yours 100% and always.

There are no disadvantages at all to her having your name.

With his name-

-you have 18 years of being called Mrs hisname at school, doctors etc

-you will get hassle at airports and this may stop you being able to travel with her at all

-she will definitely have a different surname to any future children of yours

-she will have a name of someone she may never even meet/never remember/never have a role in her life

-she may later on have identity issues with having a name disconnected to the rest of her family

-she and you may later have negative connotations from hearing this name which you will be stuck with

He is just trying to control you, there is nothing benevolent in his desire.

More important than the name though is birth registration- do not under any circumstances co register the birth. That is more of a commitment to a man than marriage. You give him licence to control you for the next 2 decades. This is the decision that could ruin your life.

you have 18 years of being called Mrs hisname at school, doctors etc

you will get hassle at airports and this may stop you being able to travel with her at all

I’m 10 years in and these are absolute bollocks.

Give your child your surname, it may save you lots of problems down the road. My sister has had problems taking her children abroad as they have a different surname and are mixed race. She has also had other problems through the years that would not have occurred if they had the same surname. A friend has children with a different surname and her exh won't give permission for one of them to go abroad, the other children he is happy for them to go abroad!

I did end up double barrelling the dc's names as I was sick of being Mrs XP.

Now they seen to pay attention to my name.

@feminist10101 are you saying that every single one of the multiple mums who report having had airport issues due to different surnames is lying? Or that everyone gets questioned, even if they share a surname?

Because I'd dispute both of those.

Differing surnames means you and your child will be questioned at airports.

The same applies to being assumed to be "Mrs x-name", and how wearing that is. Women are telling you their experience, you may have had different experiences, and that's great for you. But multiple women experience both of these issues, and multiple women where the child has mum's name do not. And that's valid.

There is a long list of reasons to give the child mum's name. What are the reasons for giving the child dad's name?

How often do you fly and how often do you fly long haul @Feminist10101? I'm surprised you've never been stopped in ten years.

I've flown lots of times without my dh and we've been asked almost every time. Once my dc were taken out off the passport control queue when we were transferring though Asia and questioned without me!