Baby's surname

[lbanana]

I have an issue deciding on baby's surname! Baby's Dad and I aren't together (long story, long on and off relationship, definitely off before I knew I was pregnant, blah blah). He would like her to have his surname, and kind of keeps badgering me about it. I've said I'm leaning towards double barrelling the surname, as I think it acknowledges us both as parents, and in theory she could decide what she wants when she's older. He is not keen on that at all. I haven't mentioned the possibility of her just having my name. I'm assuming he'll stick around, but don't know for sure as he hasn't always been reliable for me in the past. Thoughts? Does it matter that much which surname she has? She won't be arriving for another 3 months, but he asks all the time!

@Feminist10101

you have 18 years of being called Mrs hisname at school, doctors etc

you will get hassle at airports and this may stop you being able to travel with her at all

I’m 10 years in and these are absolute bollocks.

I’m 12 years in and this is my life. Not so much eu but yes entering the uk and the us, I wouldn’t have gotten in without a letter from dh. And as for the assuming mrs dh name.

I completely agree it’s not every time and everybody but where the hell do you come from taking people’s this happened to me stories and saying it’s bollocks? How about ‘I’m 10 years in and it’s never happened to me, so you might be ok.’? Just suggesting it as an alternative to ‘you are all full of shit.’

How often do you fly and how often do you fly long haul @Feminist10101? I'm surprised you've never been stopped in ten years.

From when she was 4 months old to now? We’ve gone long haul (inc US,Middle East) once to twice a year on average. Probably between 4-6 times a year in Europe.

Maybe my name being on her passport made the difference? She was asked once as a toddler at the gate what her name was and who she was with. And then last year she was asked to give her full name and mine and our relationship, but not in any way that caused any hassle. Was literally just as we handed over our passports.

Your name without a doubt.

Although that said, my eldest has her dads name, I've always had a different surname to her and it's never actually been a problem, with schools or travel or medical treatment etc.

But we were together when she was born and hadn't anticipated not being together and he's a great dad (although a dickhead of a man)

In your situation I'd give the baby my name and not even put him on the birth certificate. But that might cause more hassle than it's worth.....

@lbanana I would give your surname speaking from experience.
I was given my dads surname. He walked out when I was 3 and chose to have nothing to do with me. In 25 years, I've seen him less than 5 times. I hate that his name is on my birth certificate and being associated with it. I took my dads name who raised me and was known as that then only changed when I was married. Even still, it came with problems when I had to declare previous names known by and birth names etc as I was never legally adopted to change names x

Yours or both! Dont let it be just his if you are not together. I'm in the boat for it's ok for them to have the dads name if you and your partner are not married as my DD has my partners last name and we are not married. But we have been together since we were 17 and marriage might be something we do in the future. But in this case I strongly suggest you push for your own. Mainly because you are worried about him sticking around. Its traditional for babies of unmarried parents to take the mothers last name. It will make your life a lot easier travel wise and many other things if you have the same last name.

Another vote for yours or double barrelled at a push

@Feminist10101 so about 70 times you've flown alone with your dc and you've only had one slight questioning incident! That's quite scary when you think k about it. You could have stolen 70 dc by now! Started your own colony.

Your name

Your name

Your name.

YOU will be raising her.
YOU will be her primary carer with all responsibility.
YOU will be her core family.

If you have more children, you then have the option for them to share a surname - yours.

If you one day get married and do change your own name, you would then have the option of allowing/authorising your child to also change to what would then be the 'family' name... not an option if she has his.

Most of all - give her your name because he's got a fucking cheek to 'not even be keen' on double barelling. Who the fuck does he think he is!? - it's this kind of guy who doesn't tend to stick around.

He can go to court to be given PR very easily

He can, if he gets round to it. If he doesn’t there will never be any question of needing his permission for anything.

Definitely your name.

Statistically speaking, even if he does stick around and is a good dad, you’ll still be doing the bulk of the parenting. Plus there’s tons of women who find out their ex is a complete wanker deadbeat dad who buggers off after a few years.

@Feminist10101 I gave mine up, or he’d have shared his name with a famous person, I had no actual attachment to my name anyway and we wanted a shared family name.