Name regret - 2 years on

[GettingABitDesperateNow]

Hi all

I thought I'd be over this now and just posting to see if anyone has a similar story and how you got over it?

We were stuck between two names for our baby. At the time, after the birth, I couldn't decide and my husband had a slight preference for one name...we didnt decide for about 10 days after the birth and his family were contacting us every day to ask if we'd chosen yet, and every night, my husband would say 'right, we have to decide tomorrow'. I went for the name he liked, primarily because the other name has a common nickname that isn't my favourite, and the name we chose doesn't have any short versions. After 10 days I was no nearer a feeling about which was best so just plonked for one.

I realised after a few months I'd made the wrong choice. While it looks nice written down and I dont mind the name in itself -

• it sounds awful in the dialect where we live (not the same accent as me, so didnt sound like I thought it would in my head)
• I dont think it suits her
• I think the name is considered a bit chavvy
• the spelling is its original spelling but there is a newer spelling that other people use...anyway it confuses people

My husband refused to change it though

Two years on, and I still bloody hate it. I just feel rubbish about it. I really thought I'd have got used to it by now. No PND so not related to that. Her sister has a really nice name that we always get compliments on and our poor second daughter is stuck with a name I hate. I regret not choosing the other name so much (the alternative was also a name from my husbands culture as is my first daughter's so is a much better 'fit' as well as being pretty, and not too popular, and I just cant believe I didnt pick it due to a possible nick name that we wouldn't have had to use anyway).

When I read similar threads, people say to change it (it's too late now, she knows it, and husband would never agree anyway) she will grow into it (she hasn't, in my head), use a middle name (hasn't got one as has a long surname) or use a nick name (there really isn't a nickname with this name, you can't really shorten it)

I know it's not the end of the world, but has anyone experienced similar? How did you get over it? I feel like I cringe when I introduce her and I wish I didn't! I have mentioned to a couple of people and they think I'm mad, and say well it's done now just stop thinking about it...and I try not to give it any headspace and then I hear someone else say her name and I just feel bad about it again. Any advice about how I can make peace with her name? Or at least not think about it, its such a waste of energy regretting something that I cant change

Not sure if relevant but not having any more children

Thanks just re read and its massive, sorry.

My DD has a name I dislike , it's an old name and whenever you see it in a book, the character is always the scullery maid , or a pantomime dame. It has no class and I've no idea what I was thinking when I picked it for her 30 years ago. But ... It never seems to bother her, and she has never said she hates it. So I've filed it in the " first world problem basket" and have moved on.

If your DD knows her name you can't really change it, OP. You'll have to move on I'm afraid.

I regretted my daughter's long name but like the shortened version we've always used. I think in your shoes I would - together with my daugher - try to come up with a nickname you both like. It doesn't have to be connected to her real name.

Could you add in a middle me that you love and then start calling her FistName MiddleName occasionally, and then gradually drop FirstName so you are always calling her by the new name.

If she really doesn't like that then stop, no harm done, she just has a middle name now. If she does like it then in a year's time or something (when she's used to it) you could swap the first and middle name round on the birth certificate and it would be no big deal so long as done before she starts school.

If there were a few stubborn family members who insisted on calling her the original name it wouldn't even matter because it would still be one of her names.

Please tell us the name.

There must be a way of keeping the name but changing it slightly, for example I don’t like the name Joan but Joanie is nice, Sharon could become Ronnie, Lorraine could be Raine, Joyce could be Jay etc etc, if you could tell us the name maybe the mumsnet massive could come up with something you could call her instead?

I've seen the name on other threads and other sites where people have asked 'what nickname / shortened version goes with (child's name)' and pretty much all responses said there isn't one as it's a short name in it's own right (it's not this but think something like Ava).

I was going to add a middle name before she was one and life took over (we had a run of illnesses over 3 months which was quite tough) and I never did it and now my husband thinks it's too late, and I'd need his permission legally.

You're right I do just need to move on, I'm just not sure how! It's like a break up or something, I try and not think about it then I hear other people call her her name and i just feel sad about it.

I am aware this sounds pathetic and i do realise it's definitely a first world problem.

Hopefully she wont have the same feelings about it anyway.

Thanks for the responses

If it’s Eve I wouldn’t say that was chavvy.

Or is it Isla.

If you feel this strongly about it OP I think the best solution really is to add the name you like as a middle name.

Your daughter will then be able to choose for herself which name to use so you will have piece of mind that you haven't forced her to have a horrible name.

Adding a middle name will involve a little bit of admin faff but otherwise no big issue. Extended family barely need know about it. Your husband may well think it's pointless but if you feel this strongly about it why the hell wouldn't he support you in doing this? The idea he wouldn't give you permission ring alarm bells for me. Surely it doesn't matter to him either way whether she has a middle name, and you can take responsibility for the paperwork.

I think for your piece of mind you should go ahead and add the name. The likelihood is your child will like their current first name and your regrets will fade as you come to see this, but that you will feel more relaxed knowing the nicer name is part of her name too.

That's tough, OP, and I really feel for you. I regret a couple of my children's names. My DH was just no help at all in talking about names - he would just say no to everything I liked, then in the end I was so relieved he said yes to something - okay names but well down my list - that we ended up with those. They're adults now and my daughter has commented how much she loves a certain name and would have been really happy to have been named it, and it was actually a name I loved and would have called her. I've told her I'd be perfectly happy for her to add it to her name (she would put it in front of her current 2 names). She's thinking about it.

I wish I had stuck with the names I loved as DH would have come round to like them in the end I now realise. He didn't understand how important names were to me whereas it was a smaller decision to him I now understand.

Does your DH understand how strongly you feel about this? I don't think it's too late to change it if he was on board. You could add the new name to the front (or after) the current name and she can still be called the other name by those who want to. She would be introduced as the new name though and it would gradually take over. I had a friend at school who was always called by her first name at school but her middle name at home and family situations and wasn't a problem at all. People having various nicknames and full names in different situations is quite common.

If she doesn't care about it I think you should leave it. Or start calling her a non name based nickname. Like Tiger or Kick, Birdie, Sunny, Buffy, etc. There's also this www.bestlittlebaby.com/nickname-generator.aspx

We could be more help if we knew the name and can give an objective opinion that could be more helpful!

However, since there's little scope to change it, I agree about adding a second name (and this scenario is yet another reason why giving a child a 2nd name is always useful and it's not 'pointless') you like better.

If it is a short name like Eve is there scope to lengthen it instead as a nickname so:

Eve - Evie
Rose - Rosie/Rosia
Meryl - Marilla
Alex - Alexa/Alexy

Although I admit there are some names like Ivy, Isla and Claire where that would be difficult but you could perhaps substitute with similar. Not uncommon in different cultures.

Carrying on from that last point. I'm half-Jamaican and it is very common for people to be called a completely different made up name from their christian birth (formal) name. You wouldn't know this name unless you know them personally or through friends or family. But it's often It's based on observation of their characteristics as they get older so actually more fitting.

For e.g. My cousin Delita is called Peaches, apparently she couldn't stop stuffing her face with them when younger.

Other sibstitute names are Blossom, Red, Lala, China, Fern, etc etc...some are actually ridiculous by English standards but I notice this is common in many different cultures.

@BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo

What do you think of Joanna?

I used to hate this song!

Joooooaaaaaaaaanna!

I can see why you weren't keen on the song!

@CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook

I had a cousin called Julie who was going out with someone called John. The stick they used to get because of the "Jilted John" song was hilarious!

What a horrible position to be in, and I really really feel for u.

It would be good to know the name though so we can properly help. But a few options:

1. Change it. If ur this upset and depressed, and u think ur husband would allow. Just change it. She’s 2 and she won’t really remember. It’s 2 years out of her loooong (hopefully) life! Ppl may laugh initially, but she’s ur daughter and they will eventually forget and talk about something else.

1. Since the name is short... can you change it to a longer name that is related? For example: if the name is Mia can you change it to a name like Amelia/Emilia/Amelie/Maria/Miriam etc that would be a long version to the name Mia. So you can still call her Mia as her “nickname”. Eventually when u do start calling her Amelia for example...you can say “yes Mia was just her nickname, her name was actually Amelia”.

1. Add a middle name and when she starts school just make her use her middle name only and slowly change everything to her middle name..

1. Completely pick another name, don’t change it legally, and just call her it. If u want you can tell people you have changed it officially (they won’t know u actually havent changed it legally). So call her the name, introduce her with the new name. Hopefully eventually ur husband will be on board and then accept to change it officially.

I think you have obviously tried to get over the name...and tried to accept it. But it isn’t working.

Good luck with it. Though please try and tell us the name so we can help you more x

I’m in a very similar situation @GettingABitDesperateNow

@Astronica yes you’ve captured our situation well too. I now realise my husband just didn’t see it as a big decision. He was never that interested in picking names and he suddenly came up with 2 names he liked and the choice became between those 2 names (neither of which I loved). If I’d have put my foot down at the time he’d definitely would have agreed to some other names. I thought the name we chose would be fairly rare but it’s actually really common and very “on trend” which I really hate. I myself have a very common 80s name and didn’t want that for my kids. Yet what do I end up doing?! I’m still disappointed at myself.

My husband isn’t bothered about popularity whatsoever and so maybe my son won’t be either but I also feel like the name really doesn’t suit my son. My son is now 4 so there’s really no way I can change it. @GettingABitDesperateNowGettingABitDesperateNow I also feel a sense of sadness every time people say his name. To the extent that in my head I feel like my family are trying to annoy me by calling him by his actual name. 🤦‍♀️ In reality I know they are not as they have no idea I really don’t like the name.

I also get a bit obsessive when a friend is having a baby. I wonder what name they will pick and if they pick a name I prefer to my sons, I feel really jealous and down.

Ultimately I know I can’t change it now and I can’t really speak to my husband about it anymore as he is so fed up of hearing about something we can’t change.

The only thing that makes me feel better is the thought I will give my son an extra middle name at some point in the future. Maybe when he’s old enough to help pick it himself.

There’s loads of people who actually end up deciding later in life to go by their middle names. Lots of celebrities (eg Jude Law, Boris Johnson, Meghan Markle etc) all now go by middle name. George Osborne actually changed his name to George himself when he was fairly young! Also even within my own family, a grandparent goes solely by their middle name except on official forms and nobody bats an eyelid.

I remind myself that ultimately the most important thing is that my child likes his name and not whether I like it or not. I think once he’s old enough I’ll have a conversation with him about the fact we picked a fairly common popular name for him and would he like to continue using it or does he want a more unique name in which case I will pay to get him registered with a new middle name (which we could choose together or he can choose it if he has a name in mind). ☹️ It’s hard x

Ps. I will add that my husband gets annoyed with me and tells me I’m wrong to try and have that conversation with my son in a couple of years. He thinks it will put ideas in my sons head about his name that probably would never have been there were it not for me bringing it up.

I think if you were to tell us the name we could potentially help you think of a nickname? You’d be surprised with the ideas people come up with here
Nickname could be based on a letter in the name (Ava could be ViVi) or meaning (apparently Ava is the Latin variation of Eve meaning ‘bird’ so you could call her Birdie) just using Ava as an example.
Name regret is a very real thing, I’m not massively in love with my daughter’s BC name but I call her a diminutive I love so that was my compromise.

As a child I was called by my middle name but was called by my first name when I started secondary school (due to the register, this was years ago before 'known as' names became a thing). I preferred my first name so kept to that when I started work. Most people now know me by my first name, except for family so I answer to both. DH calls me either, depending on who we're with. It sounds complicated but I'm used to my 'double life'. I think if I were you I would add a middle name you love, you can then start to move on knowing she has a lovely middle name. Maybe you could gradually introduce a nickname based on her middle name.

@Astronica @Leopardprintboots I think that was the issue with us - my husband just didnt and doesnt think it's a big deal. I know its not a big deal as it seems to be in my head but that doesnt stop me feeling sad!

I will look into middle names thanks. Not sure whether to go for one I love now she is still little, or wait til she is older and can have some input (though would have to be quite old as I'm not sure that anyone would want to be lumbered with say their 8 year olds favourite name). I also think I'd have to give my eldest a middle name so she didnt feel left out. I will also see if I can come up with a nickname around her personality though that's not really common in my family/ culture.

I know it's frustrating I havent said the name- sorry - I should have name changed for this, but I have told a few people in real life and also have quite a few personal threads under this name so I don't want the two to be linked as it would be easy to identify me. Its something like Isla or Lara and doesn't have a long version or a short version or any nickname (there are threads on other sites 'my daughter is (the name), what should her nickname be' and the consensus is there isn't one...which is ironic as it's one reason I chose this name over the other one which had lots of possible nicknames!

Thanks so much for the responses, I actually feel a bit better putting down in writing how I feel about it because I feel I cant really talk about it in real life because I've already gone on about it so much and because she is 2 now. Its helped thinking she can always change it if she really hates it

@GettingABitDesperateNow yes my husband now gets angry with me whenever I bring up my sons name. I started doing it when my son was about 1 month old and I think he thought I’d just grow out of it but my sons now four and I still tend to bring his name up all the time. I agree it feels very “first world problems” but then I think about how special my son is and how he might think I let him down with the name we picked.

I think with the middle name dilemma, I’ll wait until he’s a couple of years older, if he’s still as much of an outgoing character then as he is now, I will pick a really unusual middle name and just register it. I’ll then feel like he has that option.

OP could I ask, do you have OCD at all (I do), I do feel this is slightly related to my OCD and slightly some minor form of PND but I appreciate that might not apply to you.

Can I also ask - do you like your own name? I’ve never really liked my own name whereas my husband is totally Indifferent to his name or anyone else’s so he’s really confused about how I’m still dwelling on a name

No I dont have OCD but over the last few years I've come to suspect I may have ASD - one of the (many) things that makes me think this is I do struggle to make decisions and obsess over things a bit.

I am kind of neutral over my name- it's a really common name in my age group so I'm normally known by both names which I don't mind. I did move regions when I was a teenager and then went by the shortened version though as I didnt like the way the longer version was pronounced in the new region so maybe that's why I don't like my daughters name the way it is pronounced where we currently live (I like it much better in my accent).

Interesting questions, thank you! I'd never really thought I could be projecting some of my own issues onto her name but reading the above back it sounds like a possibility