Name regret - 2 years on

[GettingABitDesperateNow]

Hi all

I thought I'd be over this now and just posting to see if anyone has a similar story and how you got over it?

We were stuck between two names for our baby. At the time, after the birth, I couldn't decide and my husband had a slight preference for one name...we didnt decide for about 10 days after the birth and his family were contacting us every day to ask if we'd chosen yet, and every night, my husband would say 'right, we have to decide tomorrow'. I went for the name he liked, primarily because the other name has a common nickname that isn't my favourite, and the name we chose doesn't have any short versions. After 10 days I was no nearer a feeling about which was best so just plonked for one.

I realised after a few months I'd made the wrong choice. While it looks nice written down and I dont mind the name in itself -

• it sounds awful in the dialect where we live (not the same accent as me, so didnt sound like I thought it would in my head)
• I dont think it suits her
• I think the name is considered a bit chavvy
• the spelling is its original spelling but there is a newer spelling that other people use...anyway it confuses people

My husband refused to change it though

Two years on, and I still bloody hate it. I just feel rubbish about it. I really thought I'd have got used to it by now. No PND so not related to that. Her sister has a really nice name that we always get compliments on and our poor second daughter is stuck with a name I hate. I regret not choosing the other name so much (the alternative was also a name from my husbands culture as is my first daughter's so is a much better 'fit' as well as being pretty, and not too popular, and I just cant believe I didnt pick it due to a possible nick name that we wouldn't have had to use anyway).

When I read similar threads, people say to change it (it's too late now, she knows it, and husband would never agree anyway) she will grow into it (she hasn't, in my head), use a middle name (hasn't got one as has a long surname) or use a nick name (there really isn't a nickname with this name, you can't really shorten it)

I know it's not the end of the world, but has anyone experienced similar? How did you get over it? I feel like I cringe when I introduce her and I wish I didn't! I have mentioned to a couple of people and they think I'm mad, and say well it's done now just stop thinking about it...and I try not to give it any headspace and then I hear someone else say her name and I just feel bad about it again. Any advice about how I can make peace with her name? Or at least not think about it, its such a waste of energy regretting something that I cant change

Not sure if relevant but not having any more children

Thanks just re read and its massive, sorry.

Yeh this has been an interesting chat @GettingABitDesperateNow and I’m glad you said earlier that it’s helped you a bit to write about it on here.

I think we need to remind ourselves that it really isn’t that important if we like the name or not anymore (given we are too far down the line now to change it), what matters is if our child likes their name or not and ultimately if they don’t like it then there’s ample opportunity to change it. It’s probably even easier to do nowadays - with social media being as it is you can basically call yourself what you want really easily (eg change your WhatsApp name/ change your Facebook name )

If the child is anything like our partners then maybe they won’t even consider if they like their name or not and all this worrying will be for nothing

I am nervous though that my child will pick up on my reservations about his name and that that will give him a complex and make him want to change it. I hope my behaviour doesn’t negatively impact him too much.

Yes I think maybe both of us have been projecting a bit with our own issues with our names. My son is a very confident little character and very unique (I know every mum probably says this!) but I’ve just given him a pretty plain popular trendy name and it’s just not a fit at all. Anyway I’m back to rambling about names again! Sorry!

I have a friend whose real name is Angela but has, since the age of about 2, gone by a totally unrelated nickname due to the way her siblings pronounced her name. Nobody ever thinks of her as Angela, not even her Mum. Perhaps you could do something like this?

Thanks again everyone.

I have tried out some pet names / nicknames on her but I know this sounds stupid, I'm just not that kind of person, I don't have pet names for anyone or anything (other than shortened names which people call themselves eg Dave instead of David etc). Maybe I just havent found the right one and need to persevere. She is only two and really developing a strong personality now so maybe it will be easier to find one that's based on how she is

@Leopardprintboots you sound like a caring parent, I'm sure you'll make sure your son won't pick up your dislike of his name. I guess that's why it's good to talk about it on places like here so that they dont overhear and understand. I do kind of want to fast forward and see if she will like her name in the future though...but I don't feel like that with my other daughter who's name I like, and she could equally decide she hates or likes her name, which again is making me think it is more about me than them and I should just try and forget about it!

Can ppl stop using the term 'chavvy'. Makes me cringe.
It's such a derogatory word used by people who feel far more superior and think they have the best taste.
It's a really terrible term.

I think its quite common for people to think they wished they had picked another name . Its probably because no matter how hard you try not to , the names you pick are almost always of that time . My husband , SIL and my name are very much of the era we were born , and I hated it until I was an adult . My daughters name is quite old fashioned and people confuse it with another name and think she has just left an H off when she says it , but we all call her by a slightly shortened version , 2nd son's name was very very common when he was born , the shortened version is a really good adult name I think , another one has a name that you don't hear much not sure it was ever fashionable lol , dont think hes ever liked it but the shortened version is ok , the next one has a short name again , its a biblical name but not an over used one . I did without thinking have 2 names begining with the same initial , thats a pain when you get post

I can honestly say I still like my children's names now they are adults. I picked names that were traditional and won't go out of fashion. My daughters was very popular and still is now and my sons is an Irish name because I am half Irish.

I fundamentally disagree that you can’t change it.

DH won’t agree? Well he can fuck off for a start. Would you ‘force’ him to accept a name you didn’t like? Does he make a habit of overruling you?
Why would he want you to go on living with a name you hate? You need to stand up to him and he needs to listen to you.

Secondly DD is only 2. The fact she knows her name is irrelevant - she will know the next one.

I know kids who’ve had their names changed or changed them themselves when they were older - it really isn’t as big a deal as it might feel.

Far better to change It now when she’s so little. Before she starts school.

No we generally come to a compromise on most things (and although he had a preference when we named her, he said he liked both names and left the final decision up to me). I think he would agree on adding a middle name and me calling her it, but not an outright first name change, as he thinks I'm doing it for me rather than her, and I cant guarantee it wont have a negative effect on her now it's part of her identity (some psychologists think it may harm their sense of identity if they are over two). Both parents need to agree to it for it to happen, legally. He just sees it now as who she is, rather than her name, if that makes sense.

@GettingABitDesperateNow yes I understand your logic. Let’s both try and move past this by giving them a middle name at some point so the child has options in future.

I really do empathise and know how you feel with all this though. It’s hard. It’s a ‘trivial’ problem that really doesn’t feel trivial.

I think he would agree on adding a middle name and me calling her it, but not an outright first name change, as he thinks I'm doing it for me rather than her

Why does he get the final say? Why are not saying ‘I won’t agree to her continuing with this name’? as if you have the last word? I don’t understand why he has the veto.

You can’t live with a name that you really can’t stand. And if your husband hadn’t been so recalcitrant earlier and if you hadn’t let him have the upper hand then you wouldn’t be where you are now.

As for the ‘identity’ issue - that’s absurd. It’s not uncommon.

I call my dd by her first name, diminutives of her first and second name, and a whole host of totally random endearments. Often my family and friends end up catching on to whatever the latest one is too. I think it's really easy to change what they are called day to day if you really want to.

That's not really the issue here though - the issue is that for all the reasons you've set out, it's just too late to change her first name officially and that's what you just have to point blank accept. Remember that her name will sound very different to her than it does to you and she may well love it, which is frankly much more important than how you feel about it.

It's really hard to accept sometimes that there is just nothing you can do to change a past decision that you regret, so you need to practice acceptance I think.

@Tatiana because both parents have to agree, to get a name changed. Legally, he has a veto. I can understand his point of view as well which makes it harder. It was my decision, and I regret it, and in his point of view it's not in the childs best interests to change it once they see it as 'theirs'. He would be fine if she wanted to change it for herself when she was older, if it was her decision. I think a middle name may be a suitable compromise. We have the type of relationship where we talk things through and reach a compromise usually, in this case he disagrees. I wouldn't threaten him, or give him ultimatums etc and I don't see it as having the upper hand or not. I can see where you're coming from though and thanks for your opinion. Maybe I didnt make clear to him how strongly I felt about it early on, or things might have been different. I think we both thought for a while that I'd learn to like it or that she would grow into it, as seems to happen fairly often.

You’re talking legally? He’s your husband!

If I felt that strongly about something of course my husband would accommodate it and vice versa.

Your husband is taking the line he is because he knows that you will capitulate. Like you did last time. All he has to do is block it and you will give up.

I know children whose name was changed when they started school - much older than two.

@GettingABitDesperateNow I understand your point of view as I’m in the same boat. I also don’t think my husband is being unreasonable to refuse to agree to a name change at this stage. Admittedly I did start asking when the child was 1 month old but i fully admit that I’m a worrier and he just never took me seriously. I should have thought more carefully about the name before I agreed to it. Again my husband just didn’t see the name decision as being of any importance. Once we found one we both thought was ok he became bored of any further discussion about names. If I’d have made it clearer at the time that I wasn’t happy then I’d course he would have considered other names with me

I am talking legally, because changing a name is a legal process.
Problem is now she is 2 he feels strongly that it's the wrong thing, for her, for us to change her name just because I don't like it. He sees it as her name - not ours. He feels strongly enough about it that he wouldn't agree to it. And I can't hand on heart say he is being unreasonable. I don't think I'd have agreed to changing my eldest daughters name, just because he grew to dislike it, once she was old enough to refer to herself by it. I should have acted when she was much younger but in the middle of a number of sleep and feeding issues plus health issues for my eldest, I put it to the back of my mind and assumed I'd feel differently when things were more settled.

Appreciate your input but I was more looking for thoughts and experiences from others who had been in a similar situation, or suggestions of how to come to terms with something that is essentially in my own head, rather than ways to force my husband to do something he believes isn't in the best interest of our daughter, if that makes sense.

@Leopardprintboots it's quite spooky we seem to be in very similar situations, every time you post I think, yep!

I keep finding names I like now, and getting annoyed at myself from a couple of years ago for not considering it etc...completely barmy and a pointless waste of time! Its actually probably been good to write that down as I am realising what a colossal waste of time and headspace this is and I should really just get on with enjoying her while she is little instead of worrying about something that might never be an issue.

I am talking legally, because changing a name is a legal process.

Clearly, but we’re talking about the veto in your marriage not in law.

If you want posters to say you will get over it or it will get easier I don’t think they can. I don’t think it will. It will probably annoy you even more over time.

I don’t know anyone where one partner felt strongly about changing a name where they weren’t ‘allowed to’. So I can’t give you a success story.

That’s not what you want to hear so I’m bowing out.

Thanks for your updates OP, such an interesting discussion.

2 things - it is not trivial at all so please don't keep dismissing your feelings and thoughts about your child's name as trivial. It is the label they go through life with and, for me, the name is very much an expression of how the parents see their child and who the family is. Some of my regret comes from the way my child's name just doesn't express me at all, like they were a child from another family. I completely relate to the jealousy of others too when they use a name that I love.

Secondly, it is not too late. I understand your DH has said no, which is fine, but please don't use the too late reason.

I think the compromise position of adding the name in the middle is a good option. Plenty of people go by their middle names.

having read all these, I think I agree with the husbands.
while I can understand some mothers have very strong feelings on this issue, and I can sympathise with that discomfort.
however I wonder if there is some projection going on. I can see you need to talk it through, but maybe a counsellor would be more appropriate. I mean I think it is about something unresolved from your own life and experience. I also think it would be risky to discuss with the child whether they like their name, or did they want another one, because this could undermine their sense of self. I cannot see how it would be to their advantage. it would be different if the child raised the issue, quite unprompted. good luck.

Thanks @Alex I think you're right, I hadn't considered before this thread how my issues were clouding things so in that respect it has been useful and I'm glad I posted about it. Also having to write down my husbands side has made me see his point of view a bit more clearly. I dont think I'll initiate a conversation with her when she is older (I can see how it would be a bit horrible to find out not only that your parent isn't keen on your name but they really like your siblings name) but will probably be on the look out for her bringing it up!

Didn't David Bowie name his son Zowie Bowie? I think his son now uses his second name which is Duncan.

Hey @GettingABitDesperateNow. Just wanting to say how courageous you've been and how refreshing your honesty, vulnerability and transparency has been with this post.... it's been really interesting to read all points of view.
I'm afraid I don't have any input or words of wisdom that hasn't already been said or mentioned but just wanted to wish you well with whatever you decide :)

What a lovely post @Snowberry4 I echo what you have said

I think you should add a middle name.

I see your DH's point of view and it is a very reasonable one. He's right. It's now her name, and it's just her! So no, you should absolutely not change it.

But... the fact that you regret the name and wish you'd done things differently is also an important thing. It's a shame to think that your DD's name is a point of sadness for you. Especially when you have only positive thoughts about your other DD's name. Most people have middle names, so I think that adding a middle name, a considered choice now you're not in the emotional upheaval of birth, would be a positive and healing thing that could really turn this around for you.

She's only two - it absolutely wouldn't be anything but a positive for her, as you say there's no way you'd change her name, she will never know a time when she didn't also have a middle name - three is no difference!

I'd make a prediction too - that once you have 'put this right' in your mind by making the change, I bet you'll feel better about her name in general and quite possibly won't ever feel the need to use it. And fwiw, the only people I know who don't have middle names feel quite short changed by it, so it's probably an overall positive anyway.

Choose a name you love for both your girls and add middle names for both of them. Then you know that when you feel like it, you've got the option of saying 'Come on Cara Betsy, time to go!' - rather than plain old Cara - or whatever it is - and I think just that in itself will really help.

I think a two year old would love the idea of having a new middle name, especially if you involved her in picking one from a couple of favourites. Bet her sister will want one added too.

I could imagine my DD being excited by this when she was that age if it was sold to her in the right way. And at no point told it was because mummy didn't like her first name.

Tell them both you think they'll really be glad having the middle name when they're older and then when it's done legally make a celebration of it by getting them something personalised with their full names on it.

I think the novelty of it would make it really easy to use it as a nickname which could eventually stick if you play your cards right.