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What do you think about hyphenated surname?
120

CravingCheese · 21/11/2019 18:19

My DH decided that he'd prefer a double barrelled surname for the lo.

I personally feel like it's just too long and that both our surnames are a bit fussy, especially if someone were to combine them....

What do you think?
and would it influence your opinion / preferences in regards to first names?

I feel like many of the names on our list simply wouldn't 'work' with both our surnames (together)....

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CravingCheese · 22/11/2019 12:14

Gallivespian

I suppose you are right. Communication might be one reason why I'm rather opposed to this.

It's not that I am opposed to other people deciding to go down that route. It's a perfectly accepable compromise. if there's a reason why a couple might need to compromise.

But also, just imagine having to spell D'Angelo-Hinkelstein on the phone...

My mother did not pass on her surname. But she did pass on her beloved grandmother's name. That has always felt rather meaningful to me. Particularly because my parents decided to use that name out of all the names were available to them... Which really wasn't the case in regards to surnames.

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TatianaLarina · 22/11/2019 12:16

All women who change their name on marriage have a maiden name it’s just that the term isn’t used any more.

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PanemEtCircenses · 22/11/2019 12:41

It's a perfectly accepable compromise. if there's a reason why a couple might need to compromise

The thing is, when you’re married and pregnant and planning to stay with this person forever then it doesn’t feel like merely an emotional thing on which to need to compromise. But if you end up divorced or widowed, having an entirely different surname from your child can be a/ a nuisance and b/ rather distressing. It can also cause issues if you then have a child with a new partner, with siblings with different surnames and the emotions this can raise in children.
If you think through these possibilities and decide that those issues wouldn’t bother you, and it wouldn’t be in your child’s best interest to ah e both parents’ name, then just giving your child your husband’s surname is fine. But a lot of parents do so without thinking through the future consequences, because “it’s traditional” or whatever.

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CravingCheese · 22/11/2019 13:05

@TatianaLarina

I didn't change my name when we got married... I therefore don't have a maiden name.

@PanemEtCircenses

Being divorced or widowed would obviously be incredibly distressing. I really don't know whether the name would cause additional distress (or not)...

I'll ask DH whether we couldn't simply use a surname (his or mine...) as a middle name.
Well, DH doesn't want his to be a middle name so that would have to be mine, I guess.

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CaptainMyCaptain · 22/11/2019 13:18

I didn't change my name when we got married... I therefore don't have a maiden name.
Then you are still using your maiden name. It's the name you were born with.

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ThePolishWombat · 22/11/2019 13:57

CaptainMyCaptain DC1 has a Polish first name (which is easily anglicised if she wants to), DC2 and DC3 have Polish middle names, so their names aren’t entirely one-sided on the heritage front!
I just feel a little bit like I rushed into changing my name - I’d spent my whole life correcting people when they couldn’t pronounce or spell it, I jumped at the chance to have a simple, easy to say, easy to spell surname! Now I miss my “impossible to pronounce with too many consonants” surname Sad

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AnotherEmma · 22/11/2019 14:06

Two surnames, no hyphen.
It's what I have, and what I insisted on for DS.
If it's good enough for the entire population of Spain it's good enough for us!
I think it works fine in most situations unless both surnames are very long and complicated in which case I can understand just using one and making the other a middle name.
It is very sad how so many mothers seem fine with not passing on their surnames to their children. I guess that patriarchy and social conditioning for you Sad

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Gallivespian · 22/11/2019 14:07

Then you are still using your maiden name. It's the name you were born with.

@CaptainMyCaptain, are you married? If it's your first marriage, do you habitually refer to it as your 'starter marriage'? To call a woman's birth name her 'maiden name' is pretty unthinkingly patriarchal, and normalises the idea that she gains her 'real' adult name through marriage, after a brief flirtation with a 'starter name'.

I don't have a 'maiden name'. I did not change my name on marriage, any more than my husband did. Like him, I just have a name, the one I've had from birth.

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Gallivespian · 22/11/2019 14:14

Sorry, OP, I didn't see you'd replied to me!

It's not that I am opposed to other people deciding to go down that route. It's a perfectly acceptable compromise. if there's a reason why a couple might need to compromise.

See, I think that's quite a weird attitude -- precisely because giving a child both your names is not a compromise. In fact, it's the opposite of a compromise. It's both people equally giving their child their names. A compromise involves both sides making concessions.

You're making it sound like treaty negotiations, when in fact your husband wants equality in naming, one surname for each parent. You're the one trying to argue for an inequality, but I'm not sure even you understand why...?

For what it's worth, DH, DS (7) and I all live in the UK but have names from our home culture, which are not phonetic in English at all -- DS has both our non-phonetic, long, foreign surnames. He's never struggled with writing his name. We all get by fine.

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DuchessMustard · 22/11/2019 14:22

@CaptainMyCaptain Then you are still using your maiden name. It's the name you were born with.

Er, no. It's not my 'maiden name'. It's my NAME.

OP, we're married, kept own names, our kids are double-barrelled. Because the one surname as a middle name thing is just a sop so one parent (usually the mum) can tell themselves that their surname is included, but in practice no one has any idea what the second middle name is.

Has caused no issues, we're not 'wannabe posh' (lol, I am as London as they come), and my kids are not the only ones in their classes at school with double-barrelled surnames.

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TatianaLarina · 22/11/2019 14:27

I don’t think we need earnest lectures on maiden names, the associations are bleedin obvious. It’s not a term that’s used much and I used it here solely to denote reference to my unmarried surname as opposed to first name. I find it quaint personally.

For me, surnames are an issue of convenience rather than equality. I can’t be arsed faffing around with two names. If women actually had equality, they’d be less inclined to assert it through gestures.

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CravingCheese · 22/11/2019 14:29

Then you are still using your maiden name. It's the name you were born with.

I understand the term maiden name to mean a woman's name before she marries.
I am however already married...
But more importantly: The vast majority of men go by the name they were born with. And yet.. Nobody calls it their 'boye name', do they?

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TatianaLarina · 22/11/2019 14:29

You're making it sound like treaty negotiations, when in fact your husband wants equality in naming, one surname for each parent. You're the one trying to argue for an inequality, but I'm not sure even you understand why...?

No she’s not, she just can’t be arsed spell out two names over the phone. If it’s hyphenated you have to say ‘hyphen’ as well and then specify, if the call handler is not British, that ‘hyphen’ is not part of name.

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Gallivespian · 22/11/2019 14:37

You must be unlucky enough to spend a lot of time talking to call centres, @TatianaLarina. I've spent over 20 years in the UK with my lengthy, foreign, non-phonetic-in-English name, which my son also has, along with DH's name, without encountering undue telephone difficulties with call handlers, whether UK-based or not.

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CravingCheese · 22/11/2019 14:41

It is very sad how so many mothers seem fine with not passing on their surnames to their children. I guess that patriarchy and social conditioning for you

Isn't my surname simply my father's? And his father's father etc? You may successfully argue that surnames are an inherently patriarchal tradition. But a child still requires a surname...

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Moominfan · 22/11/2019 14:45

I assume they're really posh or come from a broken home.

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CaptainMyCaptain · 22/11/2019 14:46

Dictionary definition :
maiden name
*noun
the original surname of a married woman who uses her husband's surname name after marriage.
"many women choose to work under their maiden names"

Call yourself whatever you like but that's the definition. Outdated maybe, but the name you were born with is probably your father's or grandfather's so it's not something I can get upset about. Have you never been asked for you mother's maiden name as a security question? I expect, if you did you refused to give it.

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Moominfan · 22/11/2019 14:46

Hmm broken sounds abit strong... a separated home.

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CravingCheese · 22/11/2019 14:55

Which dictionary?
Webster:
Definition of maiden name

: the surname of a woman before she marries

And I'm married.
Anyhow, my main argument was actually the fact that men don't seem to have 'boye names'.

But even more importantly, that's not the point. I'm just not fond of the double barrelled surname idea!

No broken home (well, yet. I suppose. Can't predict that with absolute certainty).
And we're definitely not titled. That particular battle was lost a few generations before us. 😂

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CaptainMyCaptain · 22/11/2019 15:20

The dictionary definition was the first one to come up on a Google search, and the definition I have grown up knowing.

The only way round it is to adopt the Icelandic system of adding son or dottir to the mother or father's first name to create a surname. I doubt that will happen and, to be honest, I think there are bigger problems to worry about.

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AnotherEmma · 22/11/2019 15:48

Ah, that old argument. A woman's surname is just her father's surname! No one ever say that about a man's surname do they?!

My surname is mine because I've had it from birth.

Also, if woman give their children their surnames, it won't just be the father's surname any more.

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TatianaLarina · 22/11/2019 16:01

No one ever say that about a man's surname do they?!

Well yes they do - all the -son ending names - Johnson - son of John.

I can’t get worked up about my father’s surname, I don’t like his family much, not a clan I particularly feel kinship with or want to belong to.

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IScreamForIceCreams · 22/11/2019 16:04

Our child has both our surnames: mine-DH. I never changed my surname after marriage and it made sense.

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MeadowHay · 22/11/2019 16:08

We double-barelled our names when we got married and DC has the same surname. She also two middle names, as does DH. So they both ridiculously long names.
Grin But we don't care, we think it sounds nice (DC's name) and it gives them easy options to use a middle name if they end up not liking their first name etc. This is particularly something we thought about as we gave them a first name from a different language/culture so ensured one of their middle names is more commonly-British.

I'm sure loads of people think it's too long and silly but I don't care. Personally I like my double-barelled name. DC can always change it as an adult if they don't.

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CravingCheese · 22/11/2019 16:09

I do find the conversation about surnames, the patriarchy and feminism quite interesting. But it’s not particularly helpful when it comes to actually naming a child (at least imo).

My DF is a wonderful man. His father was a bit less of a wonderful man... But that‘s not why I‘m still rather opposed to a hyphenated surname (And I‘m not opposed to simply using mine. DH however is).

I just find it clunky, fussy, believe that it might keep me from honouring specific people in my family (by using their given name) etc... And I also believe that my opinion about the use of my surname is the opinion that should ultimately matter.

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