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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

I hate the baby name he wants!!

87 replies

sl07 · 13/07/2019 07:24

Perhaps I am being unreasonable BUT my OH is insisting that we call our baby after his mother. Me and his mother didn't get along. He has since put this to his family and they are all jumping agreeing with him to call my daughter that name.

I know it's 50/50 choice but I hate the name, it's not current, it's not what I ever imagined, it reminds me off a women I don't like.

What can I do??? (I don't even want it as a middle name)

OP posts:

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McShakey · 13/07/2019 12:07

Equal day means if you don’t like it then you can say no, just as if he doesn’t like a name you love he can say no. Tell him it’s a middle name and that’s that. He can’t force you to name your child anything

tabbiemoo · 13/07/2019 12:09

A fair compromise might be - you pick a jointly chosen first name, then each get to choose a middle name. So he would get his mum’s name in there and you could put a family name in too. Lots of kids have two middle names.

EileenAlanna · 13/07/2019 12:13

Tell him next time one of the women in the family who got along with her has a girl they can call their own daughter that but you won't be. If you can decide on a name together then fine, but at the end of the day remember that you alone will have the right to register the child. If you can't agree on a name then name her with your preference & DON'T use his mother's name as a middle name. They'll all just call her that "because it's on her bc" & ignore her actual name.
Your daughter is a person in her own right, not a living tribute to someone elevated in death from battle axe to saint through their rose tinted glasses.

NameChange30 · 13/07/2019 12:15

Are you married or not?

Baby should have your surname. If he has a different surname and wants baby to have his surname then you can either give the baby two surnames or give the father's surname as a middle name.

First name should be a joint decision with no-one insisting on a name the other hates. So he is obviously being unreasonable and you can veto the name.

Middle name is a good opportunity to honour family and/or compromise.

If there is an absolute stalemate then you (as the mother) get the final say. Don't let him bully you.

Luzina · 13/07/2019 12:17

You need to both like the name you choose. There's nothing else to say about it. You might rethink about using it as a middle name though? Middle names are rarely used apart from on ID paperwork

Quintella · 13/07/2019 12:38

Put your foot down and tell his family it's none of their bloody business. I'd probably agree to the name being used as a middle name but there is no chance in the world that I'd be pressured/bullied into using it as a first name.

Stand your ground.

MikeUniformMike · 13/07/2019 13:10

You can't give your baby a name you hate. Stand your ground.
Don't give it as a middle name and if you are not married, do not give her your partner's surname.

Rosiesandposies1 · 13/07/2019 15:49

Tell him you are having NO family names, as she is going to have her own identity!

Pineapplefish · 13/07/2019 15:56

Does he understand what equal say means? It means that he gets as much say in the decision as you. Not that he decides and you get zero say!

LightDrizzle · 13/07/2019 17:22

I’d normally advise to give it as a middle name, but they are being so pushy, and in numbers, that I’d worry in this case that if it’s her middle name, DH and all his family will just call her that name, so getting their way by force.
Do you think your DH would let that happen? If he agrees that the middle name is solely in honour of his mother’s memory and will not be used except on documents and ceremonially, as her middle name, and that he’ll correct any family who try to use it, then I’d compromise.
If I’d had a son, I was going to give him the middle name “Bayard” after a very dear old man who befriended me as a child.

Jiggles101 · 13/07/2019 17:58

I think compromising as a middle name isn't unreasonable. Maybe add another middle name too so it dilutes it more

BentBaastard · 14/07/2019 09:31

I really need to know the name.

Pinktinker · 14/07/2019 11:39

Nope. Middle name by all means but not the first name. It’s a 50:50 decision, not 100% his.

My DH wanted to name our DS Raymond after his Grandfather, I flat out refused because I wasn’t giving birth to a pensioner. It’s his middle name instead, nice easy compromise.

Fortheloveofscience · 14/07/2019 11:48

Yes his attitude stinks. DH and I have both had names that we absolutely loved and wanted to use but and the other didn’t. We just kept talking until we came up with a name we both liked.

emerencesometimeshopeful · 14/07/2019 12:18

No is a complete sentence.

He should not be discussing this with his family. That in itself is enough for me to firmly believe he is out of order.

Both parents need to like the name. Any name one of you vetos goes off the table immediately.

If honouring her is important to him and you would like to offer some crumbs you could 1) give a name with same initial 2) give another name with a similar meaning. This could still be a middle name scenario with a first name that you both like that does not recall his mother.

Baby is a whole new person who is your child, and does not need to be named for someone you disliked.

(Part of me worries that whatever is on the birth certificate his family will insist on calling her after your mil and point out resemblances that mayn't even exist because they have decided that this baby is so somehow here in her place. I had a classmate whose family on one side called her by a different name to the one she used at school for similar reasons).

TheInvestigator · 14/07/2019 12:25

You both get equal veto but it sounds like this is going to end up with him using a veto on every single other name. It will come down to who is more stubborn; but u don't think he will eve consider any other name. You will end up with "no, no, no" and he will keep saying no until you relent.

MikeUniformMike · 14/07/2019 12:31

I think Raymond and Ray are really nice.

Fairenuff · 14/07/2019 12:40

How do I get out of this one???

You have a choice. You either veto the name or you accept that your baby has a name you hate.

Still think it's a hard decision?

coral13 · 14/07/2019 12:47

You both get a say it should be 50/50 - BUT you BOTH have to like the name chosen and think it's the right one.

His mother's name clearly doesn't work here.

I don't agree with giving your child a middle name you hate either.

MikeUniformMike · 14/07/2019 13:23

If you call your baby by his mum's name and give her your mil's surname, if it is the same as your OH's, she'll just have his mum's name.
If it was me, then OH's mum's name is nice enough but not trendy nowadays, I still wouldn't give a DD her nan's name.
Say you'r MIL was called Barbara Smith, why the f should you call your baby Barbara Smith too.
Give the baby her own name.

mellicauli · 14/07/2019 13:34

He sounds like a right bully. You can bully him right back by pointing out that if you are unmarried (OH suggests you are) that you have the right not to name him as father on the birth certificate. Then the name choice will 100% yours.

So, either he can work with you to agree a name that you both like, or he can be cut out of the process altogether.

CloserIAm2Fine · 14/07/2019 14:04

You both need to like your child’s name, so if you hate it then it’s off the table. Just like if he hates a name it’s also off the table. Unless he claims to hate every single other girls name in which case honestly I would push him off the table!

I would agree to use it as a middle name. You jointly choose the first name then choose a middle name each. And if you’re not married then baby gets your surname, that should be non-negotiable.

BiBabbles · 14/07/2019 14:13

Maybe one of the sites like namedtogether.com or babynametogether.com could be useful? Let's you both put in names you like and then says which ones showed up on both. For ours, I would come up with name lists and he would rate them and we'd go back and forth for a while, but that was before sites like these which I think could be good.

He can't just railroad you with him having equal say - because then you also have equal say to say yes or no.

DeaflySilence · 14/07/2019 14:37

"Equal say means you both have to agree"

This ^ and this v v v

"Equal say=equal veto"

Could you choose by each separately writing a list of your preferred names in order of preference, @sl07, and then go through both lists together to find the first name that appears on both lists?

So, for example, if his second choice was Isla, and Isla also appeared on your list (albeit as your fourth choice, for example) that would be the first name you both agreed on, and would be your daughters first name.

Likewise, a middle name could be chosen, by seeking out the second name that appeared on both lists, and so on.

I agree with the poster who said that your baby should have your surname (if you and your partner have different surnames) or, as a compromise, both your surnames (not one as a middle name) or a combination of part of both surnames.

justilou1 · 14/07/2019 14:40

You’re totally right, Darling. Equal say. I say it’s never fucking happening. See ya!

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