Double barrelled surname, drop mine or push for marriage??

[Lemonsqueasy]

Unexpected pregnancy about 4 years earlier than planned - bf and I have been together almost 2 years (but moved very quick from beginning - I was moving to China for work 2 months after we started dating and he came with me). Going ahead with baby despite some anxiety as we're young and living abroad. Don't want to pressure him for marriage as we're already having to change our lives so much and don't want to overwhelm him, BUT I do want to have the same surname as our child. Unfortunately my surname is 4 syllables long so a double barrelled surname is a huge mouthful! Am I sweating the small stuff or missing an easy solution?

Definitely keep your name, if in doubt do what you want.

Easy solution is to give the baby your name. Not sure why you'd do anything else?

If you are not married and you are living abroad, you most definitely require a surname in common with your child as travel across frontiers can be very complicated otherwise.

Are you and your BF both British? If so, are you aware of the implications of giving birth outside the UK?

Give the baby your surname

The baby needs both surnames if each parent is to be able to travel alone with the child with no hassle.

Marianovella, no it’s not complicated! My surname is different to my DDs, I’m widowed and I travelled alone with them all over Europe and North Africa with never a question asked at passport control in any airport we passed through.

The issue about the surname being “a mouthful” is really minor compared to the bureaucratic stuff.

Good for you babdoc - was that recently?

Double Barrel it and drop one name for day to day use.

Give the child your name. That should be the default. We're in 2019, and no woman needs to bow to the frankly ridiculous patriarchal hangover that she adopt her husband's name on marriage.

I'm more concerned that you seem to think that he would be doing you a favour by marrying you, and that you really want to be married, but don't want to 'overwhelm him' -- if he's moved to the other side of the world for you just after you met, and is having a baby with you, surely diddums can handle you saying let's get married?

Your name

If you get married baby’s name can be changed then

Your name. If he wants the baby to have his name he can marry you

We're actually moving back to the UK permanently because of this, and bf was going to take on a job he'd never wanted but that provides a good income but means he won't be around much.. so because of these two sacrifices he's making I felt like I wanted him to have the same name as the baby.. It does sound a bit stupid now I've typed it out..

Give the baby your name. If you decide to get married and decide to change yours you can change hers too.

What you call your child is far too important to be part of some sort of quid pro quo. He needs to own his choices like what job he does. You’re equal parents with responsibilities to do the right thing.

It’s not some tit for tat exchange of favours! You are looking at this issue as if it were trivial.

We're actually moving back to the UK permanently because of this, and bf was going to take on a job he'd never wanted but that provides a good income but means he won't be around much.. so because of these two sacrifices he's making I felt like I wanted him to have the same name as the baby.. It does sound a bit stupid now I've typed it out.

What AnneLovesGilbert says. He's a grown up, and he has responsibility for his own professional decisions, just as he has responsibility for choosing to follow you to China in the first place. You don't 'owe' him a child with his surname for his choices, just as you don't need to think of marriage as being a favour he might do you, if not too 'overwhelmed'. Are you falling into the trap of feeling that getting pregnant is somehow your 'fault', rather than equally his responsibility, or something?

Give the baby your name and his as an extra middle name.

Keep your name whether you marry or not.

If you choose to marry he can change his name to yours, while keeping his as an extra middle name, and you can add his as an extra middle name. Then all three of you will have the same name.

Marriage is irrelevant: anyone can change their name or not, regardless of marital status.

Well tell him that baby will have your surname and see how he feels? If he minds he can suggest marriage.

**Are you falling into the trap of feeling that getting pregnant is somehow your 'fault', rather than equally his responsibility, or something?

Yes **Fishlike, I definitely am! Neither of us wanted to start a family now because logistically it's not the best time. It's only because i was already 12 weeks when I found out that I put my foot down because deep down I wanted it, and a termination would be so traumatic. He did agree with me it was the only option, and said that it was both our responsibility, but I still feel guilty as its going to be so stressful moving home and finding a job and somewhere to live

There is nothing to stop your partner from changing his name to yours.

No one needs or should change names here. The baby can have both names.

Why would marrying you be another 'sacrifice'? Wouldn't he want to? Have you never talked about it? You've talked about having children, though further in the future, from what you said.

Well it's not for everyone, is it, especially not at 24.

Definitely your name. If you split then chances are he's more likely to be the one that lives without your child. You'll be the 'main' parent so the child should have your name. A lot changes in a relationship when you have a baby, you have to think about the possibility that he could walk out - so many men do. Imagine your baby having the name of an absent father. There are so many threads on here of women looking for ways to change their child's surname !
I was in a similar situation as you op and our DD has my name, she's now two and a half and my partner and I are looking at getting married. He's said he will probably take my name so we can all have the same family name.

Please stop feeling guilty. This baby is his responsibility too. Give baby your name.