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Baby names

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Original poster

Double barrelled surname, drop mine or push for marriage??

71 replies

Lemonsqueasy · 12/04/2019 08:58

Unexpected pregnancy about 4 years earlier than planned - bf and I have been together almost 2 years (but moved very quick from beginning - I was moving to China for work 2 months after we started dating and he came with me). Going ahead with baby despite some anxiety as we're young and living abroad. Don't want to pressure him for marriage as we're already having to change our lives so much and don't want to overwhelm him, BUT I do want to have the same surname as our child. Unfortunately my surname is 4 syllables long so a double barrelled surname is a huge mouthful! Am I sweating the small stuff or missing an easy solution?

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Original poster
Lemonsqueasy · 12/04/2019 10:47

Interesting take.. Tbh I'm swaying towards double barreled as we're a team. My parents divorced when I was a baby and my mum changed my name to hers, which I still have. If we split I'll change bab's name. Thanks for all the input

OP posts:
LetsSplashMummy · 12/04/2019 11:28

As there's no reason to think any of the blame for the pregnancy or pressure is coming from DP, I think it's nice you are being considerate of his feelings. The tit for tat is just in your head, isn't it?

Hopefully, he is as kind in return and you can decide between you by talking about it!

frazzledasarock · 12/04/2019 11:31

You can’t change baby’s name without his permission if you split up.

MariaNovella · 12/04/2019 11:32

There would be no reason to change the baby’s name if you split up. Parents splitting up does change a child’s parentage!

MariaNovella · 12/04/2019 11:33

does not

AuntieStella · 12/04/2019 11:38

Traditional, babies had their mother's surname (which matched the father's if they were married)

In your circumstances I'd give the baby your surname. You could stick his in the middle, if you want oneof his from the off. You can then both change names in the future, should you wish to if you marry.

Farahilda · 12/04/2019 11:40

"If we split I'll change bab's name."

You are aware that in Britain you can't just do this? You need permission from everyone with parental responsibility, or a court order if you cannot agree. And it's quite likely a court will find in favour of maintaining the existing name.

pinkyredrose · 12/04/2019 11:41

Do you think that's he's reluctant to be a father or husband and that giving the baby his name will make him feel more connected?

Kokeshi123 · 12/04/2019 12:06

Well it's not for everyone, is it, especially not at 24.

But you are having a child together! This is supposed to be a permanent relationship. Are you two serious about each other? Because if you are and are 100% sure you are together for the long haul, why would you not get married straight away?

OP, you need to give your child your name for the moment.

And if you are serious about each other, you need to have the marriage conversation--otherwise the economically weaker partner in your relationship (and that usually ends up being the woman) is being left financially vulnerable. Remember, you can always do a registry office wedding for the moment and do the proper wedding later on.

If you are not serious about each other, then you need to make your decisions based on the assumption that you will be a single parent.

Original poster
Lemonsqueasy · 12/04/2019 15:00

We are 100% sure about each other but as our future plans have gone from another two years living in Italy, freedom and sunshine, to 4 months til becoming parents for the rest of our lives and getting serious jobs and responsibilities, it is unnecessary to rush to get married!

OP posts:
iamH · 12/04/2019 15:07

I had two children with my partner when I was in my 20's. We weren't married and I never considered giving them anything other than my surname.
He never had an issue with this.
His mother on the other hand 🙄

Lokidokiartichoki · 12/04/2019 15:09

if you wasn’t pregnant and you were getting married would you keep your name, change to his or double barrel?

Loopytiles · 12/04/2019 15:10

Your surname, not double barrelled. His surname as middle name if you wish.

Very necessary to get married, unless you intend to continue to work full time and make no more changes to your working life than your DP.

BertrandRussell · 12/04/2019 15:11

Hyphenate and use both. Or just yours. Do not consider any other options, married or not.

AnotherEmma · 12/04/2019 15:11

I think you should give the baby your surname and keep your surname if you get married.

You're having a baby with him so you should be able to have a conversation about marriage without "scaring him off", that's ridiculous. It's a bit late to play it cool now Wink

Have you discussed plans for parental leave and the division of paid work v childcare responsibilities? If you hope to be a SAHM or work part-time, consider the extra legal/financial protection that marriage will give you. If you're not getting married you should think very carefully before sacrificing your financial independence.

Sorry, I know you only asked about names!

Loopytiles · 12/04/2019 15:11

You don’t yet know if you’ll continue to be a team when DC arrives and you’re parents. Many men step up, many don’t. Some don’t even pay maintenance.

MoreSlidingDoors · 12/04/2019 15:15

Your name

If you get married baby’s name can be changed then

Or, shock horror, your DH can change his name!

stucknoue · 12/04/2019 15:15

Sorry, going against the trend, I would double barrel or give it your bf's surname if you plan to raise your child together. I was pg unexpected at 24 and it worked out fine.

Awrite · 12/04/2019 15:16

Give the baby your surname. I've read so many threads where women regret not doing this.

MoreSlidingDoors · 12/04/2019 15:16

You can then both change names in the future, should you wish to if you marry.

FFS.

Original poster
Lemonsqueasy · 12/04/2019 15:31

**if you wasn’t pregnant and you were getting married would you keep your name, change to his or double barrel?

I'd take his name cos mine is 4 syllables long so double barreled is totally impractical, and I want us all to have the same surname! I KNOW that it's not feminist but I'll keep my feminism to the important practical stuff like both having career opportunities and sharing housework! Yes, we've talked about getting married, he's looked up the financial benefits, I just think he's a bit hesitant ATM because we have other things to think about!

In terms of my financial security, do you think it's really important to get married before baby arrives?

OP posts:
iamH · 12/04/2019 15:41

In terms of financial security, I would be planning on going back to work after maternity and discussing how the financial aspect would work in the mean time.

About all having the same surname, just change babies name once married. Simple!

bridgetreilly · 12/04/2019 15:43

You do not need to feel guilty. That is the biggest thing to sort out.

With respect to names, I would just have First name - His Surname - Your surname. Not double barrelled.

Lokidokiartichoki · 12/04/2019 15:51

I'd take his name cos mine is 4 syllables long so double barreled is totally impractical, and I want us all to have the same surname

I think you’ve just answered your own question then! Give baby your partners name if it’s going to eventually be yours anyway.

If it comes down to it and you either decide not to marry, or split up, it will be easier for you to change your name by deedpoll than to change your child’s name.

AnotherEmma · 12/04/2019 15:58

Well, if you want to all have the same name, there are several options:

  • double barrel
  • blend both names together into one "portmanteau" name (if it works this is a good alternative to the long double barrel)
  • he takes your name
  • you take his

You taking his surname is only one of four options.