Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

Double barrelled surname, drop mine or push for marriage??

71 replies

Lemonsqueasy · 12/04/2019 08:58

Unexpected pregnancy about 4 years earlier than planned - bf and I have been together almost 2 years (but moved very quick from beginning - I was moving to China for work 2 months after we started dating and he came with me). Going ahead with baby despite some anxiety as we're young and living abroad. Don't want to pressure him for marriage as we're already having to change our lives so much and don't want to overwhelm him, BUT I do want to have the same surname as our child. Unfortunately my surname is 4 syllables long so a double barrelled surname is a huge mouthful! Am I sweating the small stuff or missing an easy solution?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
pinkyredrose · 12/04/2019 16:01

What's wrong with a four syllable name?

AnotherEmma · 12/04/2019 16:02

Well it belongs to a woman, for starters

Lemonsqueasy · 12/04/2019 16:05

Our double barrel would be: four syllable name + two syllable name (not necessarily in that order). My first name is long too.

My name does begin with a Mc so lends itself to some good portmanteaus lol

OP posts:
Fishlike · 12/04/2019 16:22

I'd take his name cos mine is 4 syllables long so double barreled is totally impractical, and I want us all to have the same surname! I KNOW that it's not feminist but I'll keep my feminism to the important practical stuff like both having career opportunities and sharing housework! Yes, we've talked about getting married, he's looked up the financial benefits, I just think he's a bit hesitant ATM because we have other things to think about!

Deciding on your our name, and your child's name is an important feminist principle. Our son has both our surnames, totalling six syllables and both names are foreign it's never been an issue. I notice quite a few children in his class also have both parents' surnames.

Forgive me for thinking this and the fact that you seem to think he would be doing you a favour by marrying you still sounds as if you feel apologetic about the pregnancy, and are trying to appease him.

Who is going to look after this baby once it arrives? You say he's taken a UK job which will involve him being away a lot, so I assume you are thinking you will be the primary carer, at first. But as you're moving back to the UK from a job abroad, you won't have a maternity leave/pay package, so you are already financially disadvantaged. Hell would freeze over before I would become an unmarried SAHM.

You seem to be thinking that 'rushing to get married' is some kind of frivolous girlish dream of bridesmaids and wedding favours -- it's the most straightforward and easily-achieved form of economic protection for you, and if you were already committed to a life and children together, slightly down the line, you should do it now, quickly and cheaply, and have an expensive celebration later, if you want.

Lemonsqueasy · 12/04/2019 16:49

@Fishlike thank you for this info.

Yeah we're both moving back, we'll continue to live together but he's considering doing teacher training which is what I meant by him not being around much - long hours and assignments.

I'll be working full time as soon as possible ideally, if that's viable with childcare.

I've tried to find more info on what you've said about financial security, but all I can see seems to be benefits to our shared finances.. Could you tell me a bit more / direct me to some info? Really appreciate the advice.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 12/04/2019 17:00

if that’s viable with childcare

MAKE it viable. Otherwise you waste your best time to be adding money to your pension while his grows. The childcare costs come out of joint income. Never fall into the trap of thinking it is the same as your whole wage, so not worthwhile. Always think in terms of what it is out of BOTH wages. Always think pension.

Give the child YOUR name. Whatever that is. When you marry dh can take yours if you all want the same. If you dont marry, or you divorce, you wont be able to change it back without his permission. Ill save you the bother of asking and tell you now he wont give it.

Dermymc · 12/04/2019 17:06

If he is likely to be the main earner or he owns property then it benefits you to be married as you will have a claim to this if you split up.

OffToBedhampton · 12/04/2019 17:07

I strongly recommend you give baby your surname, as you aren't married/that's your name.
It's 2019 and your partner will understand.
As PPs pointed out, if you split up or don't marry, you cannot change it back without dad's permission and he won't then, as why would he?
You can change baby's name wiy both your agreement if you doarry and you decide to use his name for your marriage or whatever surname you decide on then/you use then.
It's wonderful that you believe you are " rock solid forever" as a couple and I hope you are.
It's just that many many of us thought or think that and ... Well.... Things change sometimes ...
In terms of whether you should marry before baby, well I'd say same to a male or.female parent, if you are putting your career on backseat, going part time /turning down opportunities or becoming SAHP to support your partner's career and bring up children, then yes, marriage or civil partnerrship is important, if they rely on you but you have or are giving/ given up a big party of your on-going financial independence or security . You're either a partnership prepared to put it on legal footing to protect you both, or you're not.

ChicCroissant · 12/04/2019 17:12

Wow, he was lucky to be able to follow you to China! What kind of visa did he get?

Double-barrelled seems the best option.

ThanksItHasPockets · 12/04/2019 17:13

You made it sound like he was going to work on an oil rig! Teacher training is intense but many of the long hours and assignments can be done at home.

OffToBedhampton · 12/04/2019 17:17

I'm still Mrs Bedhampton even though we divorced, because my DC are mini-Bedhamptons and I don't want my DC to have a different surname to me - I'd double barrell my name if I remarried ( majority of my 20+ yr career I've been BaileyBedhampton, so there's that too)

GaraMedouar · 12/04/2019 17:18

I'd give the baby your name.

Lemonsqueasy · 12/04/2019 17:20

@Chiccroissant he got a job with the same company (TEFL in Asia, job requirement is heartbeat and not much more)

And lol @ThanksItHasPockets. Baby's due in September though, same time he'd be starting Schoolsdirect so he's worried he'll either be absent or just want to sleep when he's around and miss the baby growing up..

OP posts:
WallisFrizz · 12/04/2019 17:36

I think you could go double barrelled if you have a one syllable first name eg

Ben Porter-McGilligan
Or
Eve Harper-McAnderson

Petitprince · 12/04/2019 18:17

If you split up you cant change the baby's name without his consent. Honestly, I'd get married. Fun register office wedding with the people you love the most. It makes the legalities and finances so much easier (and fairer).

CloserIAm2Fine · 12/04/2019 19:14

Either just your name or double barrelled, never just his

If you marry and choose to change your name then you can change your child’s name, you’re married so will both happily agree to the change.

If you give the child his name and you split, he would need to give permission for you to legally change the child’s name and many fathers in that situation refuse permission so you’d be stuck.

C0untDucku1a · 12/04/2019 20:23

Whats his subject op?

FartnissEverbeans · 12/04/2019 20:25

I live abroad and have a different surname to my son. It’s not a big deal but I’ll take his birth certificate with me if we travel without my husband.

stellarfox · 12/04/2019 22:10

Either double barrel or your surname. Definitely don’t rush into marriage! You can always change baby’s surname at a later date

Justus22 · 12/04/2019 23:27

I had my first baby at 23, I got pregnant by my boyfriend of just a few months. I gave the baby his surname, I didn't even consider giving mine tbh but I thought we'd possibly marry eventually and I'd take his but at the same time I just felt it was right the boys had his name despite our status, he was an equal parent, the women in my family traditionally all took their husbands name/gave their children their fathers name too. Giving my son his dad's name isn't anti feminist in my mind, it was a non issue to me personally I certainly wasn't trying to appease him but it was more important to him than me. We had another son the following year and I married him 18 months later anyway so for more than 3 years my name didn't match my childrens but it never bothered me. I think changing the children's names to match yours later is a bit much personally, it's their identity and once they have their names I think it's confusing and a bit self absorbed to change for your own benefit. I don't think there's a wrong choice if you give his or your name from birth, and you're both happy with it, what does your partner think? You don't need to rush to get married to prove anything either there's plenty of time for that, you don't have to be married to be committed and I definitely wouldn't do it quickly over sharing a name. I do know someone who changed her name to her partners despite no plans to marry, purely because she didn't want to double barrel but wanted them all to share a name so either of you could do this maybe? X

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread