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Original poster

Should I lobby harder for my name choice?

67 replies

rosti · 28/03/2019 17:54

I've had a girl's name for nearly twenty years now that I absolutely love and wanted to use for a daughter, but my husband doesn't love it. He doesn't hate it either, he's just unenthused. Fair enough, I thought, we need to compromise. We've picked out an alternative name and it's pretty and fine, but I don't love it. It's just fine.

I really like this other name, and I can't save it for a potential second daughter as it has the same first initial as the new name we've picked out. I know some families quite happily give their kids names with the same first letter, but my mum, her brother and her mum all have the same first initial and it was a nightmare with post, so we would rather not do that.

So that means I have to let this name go. I'm not just clinging to it because it's been so long; I genuinely love the name. I was actually kind of sad when I found out we were having a girl as I knew my husband probably wouldn't let me use the name. My parents have also pointed out multiple times (not in relation to this - they don't know about it) that I tend to defer to my husband and let him make decisions, even if it means missing out on what I want.

I cried today because I heard someone on the radio with the name I love (please note I'm subject to pregnancy hormones and having a stressful time in other areas of my life right now though lol)

Should I lobby harder for this name? Will I regret it if I don't, do you think? Any experience of this? In a way, I kind of feel I should be 'allowed' to have first choice given the hell I've been through in this pregnancy and the fact that I have to go through labour, but I don't think attempting to play that card will help, it's just emotionally manipulative.

OP posts:
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MyKingdomForBrie · 28/03/2019 17:56

Well I would have insisted on the name in these circumstances I think. You carried the baby, it's not like he hates the name!

Creatureofthenight · 28/03/2019 17:57

We ended up using a name DH wasn’t keen on at first. We had a few on the shortlist and tried them out well before baby arrived, by using the name when talking about the ‘bump’. Could you give that a go, he might warm to it, or you might warm to the other name?

IsolaPribby · 28/03/2019 17:58

What's the name? If you tell us we can either encourage you or dissuade Wink

gamerchick · 28/03/2019 17:59

I waited until just after the birth, when the midwife asked if we had a name I piped up the one I wanted.

Course I got my way because he'd just saw me go through all that.

Sneaky but works pretty good.

mrsstephens89 · 28/03/2019 17:59

I’d push for it OP!
I kind of know the feeling. I had a favourite name for 15 years and always knew I’d name a DD that. I just loved everything about it! DH didn’t but eventually we ended up using it because I begged every day and he knew how much it meant to me.

Keener · 28/03/2019 18:00

Both people have to like the name. Both people get a veto. And honestly, OP, in the nicest possible way, when someone's had a name picked out for twenty years, it tends to be some terrible twee hangover of the age when little girls choose names for their dolls.

Topofthehills · 28/03/2019 18:02

I don't think you can insist on using it, but I think you can insist on keeping it on the short list (if he truly doesn't hate it).

Currently you have:
Name A - you love, DH neutral
Name B - he loves, you neutral

So either they are both equally valid shortlist names at the moment, or you both need to drop your current choices and find one you BOTH love (or at least really like).

Other compromises:

  • you choose first name, he chooses middle name (or vice versa)
  • you get the final call this time (again - as long he doesn't hate it - no parent should end up with a name they actively hate), he can if there's a next time (or vice versa)
YouLikeTheBadOnesToo · 28/03/2019 18:04

I always knew what my little boy was going to be called, for as long as I can remember. My dh was also unenthused about it (although we didn’t find out the baby’s sex, so it was all hyperthetical). I originally wanted to push for it, but in a very hormonal moment ended up in tears worrying that dh would then spend the rest of his life hating the name. We chose a different name together. My ds is all most 2, and I love his name. I truly can’t imagine him being called anything different.

I truly believe babies grow into their names, whatever you call them is just who they are.

Ohhgreat · 28/03/2019 18:05

I had a name I loved, DH wasn't fussed. In the end we picked one he liked, I hate it and actively use nicknames instead. Don't give in on this one!!

Original poster
rosti · 28/03/2019 18:18

Thanks for the responses. I'm just not sure how hard to push and if it's really worth it to insist, you know?

I feel like if I give the names in question people will answer based on them rather than the principle of the thing, but eh, here we go Grin:

Name I like - Erika
Name he likes/we like - Emily

To be fair, I do like Emily as well. I'm more than neutral on it - it's a good name. And I did outright veto a few of his more 'out there' suggestions. I get that Emily is popular and quite inoffensive (as in, i think most people don't have strong feelings about it either way), while Erika is a little 'funkier'. Both go well with our surname.

I've been trying to call her Emily for a few weeks and it just doesn't feel quite right, and if I'm thinking about her, the name still comes up as Erika, if that makes sense. I know I'll get used to Emily if I keep trying though.

And no, this definitely isn't my biggest problem right now, but it's a nice distraction from stressful things!

OP posts:
Tiramisu1 · 28/03/2019 18:20

Erika is lovely much more interesting than Emily, of which I know so many. I'd try to persuade dh!

ijustdontunderstandher · 28/03/2019 18:24

I’d try to persuade him, Erika is nicer than Emily imo.

GreatDuckCookery · 28/03/2019 18:28

Not keen on Erika sorry. I would go with Emily out of the two.

AnneEyhtMeyer · 28/03/2019 18:28

Emily is dullsville. Insipid and overused. Go for Erika (or preferably Erica).

Tiramisu1 · 28/03/2019 18:36

Wasn't Emily THE number 1 girls name for a number of years? It's very overused imo

ASheepCalledPeppaPig · 28/03/2019 18:38

Emily is quite dull and very popular - she'll have snothervin her school class most likely. Erika is lovely (though I prefer Erica - would that sway him?).

smeerf · 28/03/2019 18:42

I love Erica. In fact, it's going on my girls' list now.

ememem84 · 28/03/2019 18:45

Ericas lovely

HainaultViaNewburyPark · 28/03/2019 18:48

Erica is the genus for heather. Would you/he consider Heather as an alternative?

Elmo311 · 28/03/2019 18:49

Ah, i like both names! But i definitely understand that it's hard to let go if you've wanted to call your child that name for years!

Talk to your hubby again and see if he will come round, if he doesn't HATE the name then perhaps he can be persuaded! Afterall, you are the one doing all the hard work! :)

Or just wait until she is born and see which name suits her? You may well find that Emily suits her better. My OH and i had a name picked out for our son (i loved it) for the whole 9 months and when he was born we were like ...."No he is not an xxxxx¹" and ended up naming him something else! V. Confusing for those we had told the name to! Grin

I am due in 1.5 weeks with a baby girl and we haven't dicusssed or chosen any names. We want to see her first :)

Good luck x

AnotherEmma · 28/03/2019 18:51

Hmmm.

On the name issue, my advice is to keep looking for one that you both love. And you should both stay open-minded; keep Erika and Emily on the shortlist and see what seems to fit after she's born.

Did you change your surname after you got married? If not, will your DD have your surname or DH's or both?

Apart from the names though, I am wondering about this:
"My parents have also pointed out multiple times (not in relation to this - they don't know about it) that I tend to defer to my husband and let him make decisions, even if it means missing out on what I want."
What kind of decisions? Are they major or minor things, or both? Have you ever got your own way about a big thing and if so how did he react?

RoseMartha · 28/03/2019 19:10

Prefer spelling Erica

Can you not have Erica Emily or Emily Erica

YemenRoadYemen · 28/03/2019 19:17

Please push your case, OP.

Emily is fine damns with faint praise

You're doing all the hard work here, and as you usually defer to him, shouldn't you get the final say in something. Something that's genuinely important and meaningful for you?

Will the baby have his surname?

Warmhandscoldheart · 28/03/2019 19:20

Definitely go for Erika, it's a strong name.

ZebraKid71 · 28/03/2019 19:36

I was going to say let it go, find something you both like - then I saw that the name was Erika and now I think you should push for it haha.. It is one of my favourite names but dd1 is Annika so we can't really use it.

It is so much more interesting than Emily.

Unfortunately naming a child is a two person job is your in a relationship...