Should I lobby harder for my name choice?

[rosti]

I've had a girl's name for nearly twenty years now that I absolutely love and wanted to use for a daughter, but my husband doesn't love it. He doesn't hate it either, he's just unenthused. Fair enough, I thought, we need to compromise. We've picked out an alternative name and it's pretty and fine, but I don't love it. It's just fine.

I really like this other name, and I can't save it for a potential second daughter as it has the same first initial as the new name we've picked out. I know some families quite happily give their kids names with the same first letter, but my mum, her brother and her mum all have the same first initial and it was a nightmare with post, so we would rather not do that.

So that means I have to let this name go. I'm not just clinging to it because it's been so long; I genuinely love the name. I was actually kind of sad when I found out we were having a girl as I knew my husband probably wouldn't let me use the name. My parents have also pointed out multiple times (not in relation to this - they don't know about it) that I tend to defer to my husband and let him make decisions, even if it means missing out on what I want.

I cried today because I heard someone on the radio with the name I love (please note I'm subject to pregnancy hormones and having a stressful time in other areas of my life right now though lol)

Should I lobby harder for this name? Will I regret it if I don't, do you think? Any experience of this? In a way, I kind of feel I should be 'allowed' to have first choice given the hell I've been through in this pregnancy and the fact that I have to go through labour, but I don't think attempting to play that card will help, it's just emotionally manipulative.

I really prefer Emily to Erica.

I have the same issue at the moment in regards to my favourite name etc. So I’m not much help in that regard.

I think it's great. I know an Erika.
Emily is a bit too nothingy for my taste.

Prefer Emily, but if you really want erika push for it. We didn’t know the sex of DC1 so I had the final say on the boys name and DH had the final say on the girls name, Sod’s law she was a girl 😂 I am therefore arguing I get to name dc2

I would definitely either way speak to your OH about how you're still feeling and see how you now both stand on each name. Names can grow and change for people - it might be that Erica's grown on him more over time or it might be that it's a definite dislike for him now in which case I think you'd have to let it go and find a name you both like.

In my case I had a name I've loved for ages and he initially really wasn't keen. Found a different name we both liked but neither passionately loved - over time my original name actually grew on him to a point he'd be happy with but actually over that time I'd gotten use to the compromise name and actually ended up loving it more than my original first choice name and decided to go for that instead as just felt right!

Communication is key either way though so there's no long term resentment.

It's definitely worth further discussion

I was the same with my first pregnancy , I had a girl's name that have been my favourite for absolutely years. DH wasn't initially that enthusiastic about it but I wore him down over 9 months 😅

DD is 16 now and I can't imagine her being called anything else!

I think you should keep your name on the shortlist and keep it as an option. I agree with pps who said to talk to him more about how you feel about this (your feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are.) Sometimes a name can really grow on the more reluctant partner, especially after the birth, so don't cross it off too soon. And you don't have to make the final decision before the birth - just have a short list that you're still considering.

In the meantime I would work hard at coming up with a different name (not Emily) that you both could love - imagine that you were having twin girls - can you find a name you love as much as Erika? If you don't get to use Erika (lovely by the way) this time, could you find a name not beginning with E so that it still may be possible in the future?

It’s not fair to make him call his daughter a name he doesn’t like. I would not like my dd to be called Erika and would be very unhappy if this was forced on me.

Maybe Emily isn’t the name either. I think you should keep looking.

Sorry, but Erika is a horrible, ugly name. Emily is much nicer.

Erika is a strong stand out name from the run of the mill dullness of names out there. Lobby for it! She'll always be saying "Erika with A K not a C though" as people write her name down.

I think Erika or Erica is a great name. We had a similar debate with Emma vs Emily, dc2 was a boy, so we never reached a conclusion! We did struggle to name him though, and ended up with a compromise, it's not my favourite name but he's wonderful, and my preferred choices were based on my families names and I was realistic that clearly that wasn't fair, especially as FIL has such an awful name I wouldn't have wanted that included.

This happened to me op and I nearly relented and called my dd Emerald, to this day I look at her and feel relieved that I stuck to my guns! Don’t be swayed.

Erica is a great name. It was always high on my list of baby names along with Carla.

Definitely lobby harder. It's unusual to have a name you consistently like for that long, you'll always regret not using it.
Plus Erika (prefer Erica) is unusual whereas Emily's are everywhere. It's not like your partner hates it or doesn't like it. Just say it's really important to you that she's called Erica, he can choose next time!

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. I appreciate the views!

Talked to him last night and he says that he wants his child to have a normal name and not one that's 'made up' (which clearly Erika/Erica isn't, but he means he doesn't know anyone with that name). We both have super common names (like, 3-5 kids in the class with the name, back in the day - less common for newborns now) and yeah, it's fine, no real disadvantages, but it's just a bit blah. He thinks it's much better to have a common/possibly boring name than an uncommon one, and that the worst that will happen with a 'safe' name is the person not really being enthused about their name (well, they might hate it when they're having their individualistic teenage phase), while they might hate an uncommon one. I get his reasoning, but then kind of feel that life is maybe too short to have a 'safe' name. He says he's happy to wait and see what we feel when she's born, but I said she'll probably get named Sparkle if we decide when we're that exhausted

I'll keep thinking about it. I appreciate the input.

@HainaultViaNewburyPark I think Heather is quite cute, but it reminds him of ladies his mum's age!

@everyone saying Erica instead of Erika - yes, I'd be open to that. The spelling with the K looks better to me with our surname for some reason, but that's really not a hill I would need to die on. Doesn't seem to sway him much though.

@AnotherEmma I changed my surname to his when we got married. I think most of the time it's minor decisions that I defer to him on. I like to avoid conflict and I find it kind of embarrassing to lobby hard for something unless I REALLY want it. I don't defer to him when his decision would be unfeasible/really bad for me/silly, though I have deferred on some major decisions too. I brought this up with him last night and, to his credit, he agrees that I have a tendency to go with what he wants, particularly with minor decisions. It's good that he didn't get defensive. I can't think of a time when I got my way on something big, to be honest. Only in situations where it was definitely more rational to go with what I said and I explained that and he eventually saw my point and agreed. I guess 'but I loooove this baby name sooo much!' doesn't strike me as something I can argue rationally?!

@RoseMartha Yes, he's happy to go with Emily Erica/Emily Erika, he isn't bothered about middle names at all.

@ZebraKid71 You've just reminded me I used to love Annika as well! I must have been super into the Scandinavian influence as a kid for some reason. Lovely name choice.

@Jessabean I agree. I've talked to him and been very frank that I will have to make a decision about if it's worth pushing him on or if it's really not that important. I think it's probably good to tell him exactly how I'm feeling, as long as it doesn't seem like I'm trying to apply emotional blackmail. If I wanted to be sneaky, I could probably tell one of his wise older friends at work about the situation and they would probably happily have a discussion about whether it's worth just letting your wife decide in this situation or not, but I don't want to be sneaky!

Sorry for the really long post again

@MercyBodle Yes, maybe time to go back to the drawing board, but keep it on the list and decide for sure later on.

@ThroughThickAndThin01 I know, and I definitely wouldn't force him on a name. I wouldn't like to be the dad and have my partner insist on a name I hate, or even one I don't really like (he doesn't dislike it, he's just pretty ambivalent on it), so I get it.

I would say go with Erica [or Erika].
You may not have a second daughter.

We gave our son 2 first names with the same initials as my husband. We knew what we were doing but we weren't worried about the problems with mail etc. But in this electronic age, there really isn't much mail that is delivered - mostly our son [now 26] opts for email contact. He recently moved back to live with us while new flat purchase is sorted. He is very happy to be addressed as 'Master' instead of 'Mr' on any mail because he thinks it makes him sound more important than his Dad!!! Bless!

Oh, not Emily! I know loads of them. It’s so dull.

He thinks it's much better to have a common/possibly boring name than an uncommon one

But isn't the whole point of naming someone or something to identify them? Surely a less common name is going to do a better job!

Also, Erika is a lovely and interesting name, well known and easy to pronounce. The perfect name!

Emily is so dull from overuse. She'll need to add her surname initial or other adjective to identify herself!

Erika is a fabulous name, strong, cool and neither common or younique.

I know a few Emilys, they are almost always shortened to Em.

Could you compromise with a middle name stating with M e.g. Erika Mabel / Erika Marie etc.. then she can be Erika but nickname Em? Everyone happy

Good that your both still keeping the dialogue going and that he hasn't ruled out Erica completely. I get what he's saying about playing it safe but then not all names are safe for each generation e.g I should imagine there will be a lot more Emilia's in your child's class than Emily's Vs my generation- though appreciate it is one of those very stock English names that stayed fairly popular throughout the last few generations. Maybe there's a compromise name that will be popular within this generation but you can love like Erica? Like Emilia/Amelia?

I don't think that your choice should trump his or for that matter that as Erika/ Erica gets the mumsnet seal of approval it should have more weight on the name balance scales.
Leave both names on the possibles list. Open your mind to new options and wait a little while. Something else will turn up or one of you will decide they don't really mind. Both your names have lots to recommend them but there are hundreds of other lovely names and whatever one you pick for DD will end up being perfect for her.

that the worst that will happen with a 'safe' name is the person not really being enthused about their name

SIL (almost 60) still resents the fact that she had a name that 4 other girls in her year at school had. She felt MIL should have held out for her preferred name choice of Leonie So no it is not a situation of them not being enthused some really dislikes it intently.

I have a unusual name. I have never minded the unusualness of it. I dislike the unisex aspect HUGELY but not the unusual part.

I am not keen on Erika personally but Emily is just the Jane of this generation IMO.. dull and unimaginative. So I would go with Erika of the 2 or find one you both like.

There was always at least one other girl with my name in my year at school. I once overheard some people talking about Emma and one of them said "oh I thought you meant for a minute there" and they laughed cruelly. It was particularly hurtful given what they were talking about and it's still painful to remember even now (about 20 years later!)

At work I sit next to someone else called Emma. Thankfully she is lovely but it's still annoying when people talk to one of us and there is always confusion. It would be worse if I disliked her!

I do like my name - it's a classic - but common names are most definitely not the be-all and end all.

that the worst that will happen with a 'safe' name is the person not really being enthused about their name

No, the worst case scenario is that they hate having a common overused name!

Yes I have a common name and I absolutely hate it. Not because I don't like the name... Just hate it because it's. And my last name is Jones!