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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Is your baby taking your surname or your partners?

81 replies

Lsquiggles · 06/02/2019 10:39

Hi all!

I am a first time mom expecting a baby girl in June and I was wondering whether or not those of you who aren't married have given your child your partners surname or your own?

My partner and I have been together almost 3 years and I'd love to get married. He's in no rush to get married any time soon. I've had quite a few friends who have given their child their partners surnames and then broken up, therefore never having the same surname as their child.

I love my partner and of course would love to assume we will get married one day but I'd hate to not have the same surname as my child if something was to go wrong and for us to break up.

My family also feel strongly about me not giving our baby girl my boyfriends name if we're not married yet so I'm conflicted.

What are your thoughts?

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Jellylegss · 06/02/2019 19:39

His name, I’m the last living with my surname. DM remarried when I was an adult so could choose to follow her or not, didn’t care a names a name. Never been attached to my “family name”

He’d entertain marriage before I would too. The idea of spending a fortune to be committed to someone, which then costs a lot and causes a mess to leave, just doesn’t appeal to me. After watching my own family and messy divorces I’d rather walk with what I can carry and deal with having a different name.. it’s only a word, and surely instead of changing ds’s I could just change mine to match and obviously I don’t need dp’s permission for that.

DorindaLestrange · 06/02/2019 19:48

There was a thread on here recently where a couple were getting married and she was planning to take his surname.

His ex was very unhappy about this. Basically the guy had had a kid with the ex and the kid had been given the guy's surname (say Brown). The guy had never married the ex, so obviously she still had her own original surname (say Smith).

Now the ex was faced with the situation where the dad and the stepmother were going to be Mr and Mrs Brown and share their surname with Kid Brown just like in Happy Families, whereas the ex was left with a different surname from her own kid.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 07/02/2019 00:40

DD has my name. I never considered anything else. She feels part of "our" family. Her father wasn't involved so it would have been pointless anyway. We were together eight years.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 07/02/2019 00:44

However, when Himmler came in, my father's surname changed and again due to capture. I had little emotional issues about it.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 07/02/2019 00:45

Sorry few not little

Kokeshi123 · 07/02/2019 00:59

I think some of these comments are quite sexist - there’s a presumption that a break up somehow makes him less of the child’s Dad??

No, I think what people are noting is thatas is so often the case the Mum here is hoping to get married and do things officially, while the Dad is dragging his feet, which raises questions about his commitment level to his partner and his child.

The idea of spending a fortune to be committed to someone, which then costs a lot and causes a mess to leave, just doesn’t appeal to me. After watching my own family and messy divorces I’d rather walk with what I can carry and deal with having a different name..

Marriage does not cost a fortune--it costs about 150 quid at the reg. office. You can get the legal protections of marriage without having a wedding if you don't want to do that.

And cohabiting relationships are much more likely to break up than marriages.

Of course a divorce is "messier" (involves more legal back-and-forth) than the breakup of a cohabiting partnership--precisely because a divorce results in the creation of a settlement that will offer some protection to the lower-earning spouse, usually the woman, and this involves some legal back-and-forth!

When a cohabiting relationship breaks up, it is less "messy" because the guy can basically just walk away, leaving the woman in a sorry financial state in many cases.

Kokeshi123 · 07/02/2019 01:01

FWIW, it is not difficult to travel with a child whose surname is different to yours, IME--you simply keep a copy of the BC folded up inside the passport. Sorted. We have never had any issues, and in fact, no official has ever even asked to see the BC.

lonelyplanetmum · 07/02/2019 05:20

I've never had any travel issues either and my DCs have slightly complicated surnames. I would give both surnames with yours first!

I did this:

DD1 -Originally had two surnames (not hyphenated) so Father's surname then My surname. Say Green Smith.

We split when she was 3 months old. He was in another continent and it was very clear he wasn't going to contribute to parenting in any shape or form. I regretted putting his name first in the double barrel.

So I changed DD 1s name so Father's name (Green) became a middle name. So she has just the same surname as me -Smith .

DD2 then came along by which time I'm married to DH but still use my name Smith. We gave DD2 both my and DHs surname (not hyphenated). So Smith Brown

As DH then became DD1 stepfather she suggested she would like his name as a middle name too!

So DD2 has:
Middle name - biological father surname
Middle name -DH surname
Surname - My surname

So:
I'm A Smith
DH is B Brown
DD1 is C Green Brown Smith
DD2 is D Brown Smith

It's complicated to some older generation people but most get it right. People who do get it just address Christmas cards to the Brown Smith or Smith Brown family.

It works!

lonelyplanetmum · 07/02/2019 05:25

Sorry there's s typo -It's Dd1 that has absent father's surname as a middle name. Giving my ex's surname to DD2 who is unrelated to him would be too weird even for me!

theworldistoosmall · 07/02/2019 05:50

BlueWonder Whoever told you that you cannot travel and need court permission is chatting shit, unless you have a court order that says you cannot.
You can legally take them out of the country for up to 28 days.

I take mine away all the time. The few times we have been questioned because of the different surname, their BC is evidence enough. One time consent was mentioned and I said if they could find him let me know so I can get maintenance from him, this was just after the whole permission crap came into place several years ago.

Youngest has also been out of the country with family friends and I've also taken their kids out.

GoodJobShesCute · 07/02/2019 05:58

@Thurlow I'm also with you. Not married and no plans to be so and even if we did I'd keep my name. I did wonder if when DD arrived I'd want her to have my name/me to have the same name as her but nope, totally not bothered that she has my partner's name. I feel quite strongly that she's my responsibility, not my possession, so her not sharing my name is really no big deal. But I do understand that others think very differently about names and I guess the fact that I've known my partner for 15 years and that neither of us want to get married makes a big difference.

meditrina · 07/02/2019 06:20

I'd be traditional here.

Babies traditionally get their mother's name. When the mother is married, that name matches the father's (traditionally, that is, when people used to change their name as routine)

MamaDane · 07/02/2019 06:31

Currently pregnant with twins and when they are born they will get my DP's (who is a woman) lastname.

My lastname is very generic and dull while my DP's is more interesting. Literally the only reason. So when we marry I also take her lastname.

CandyMelts · 07/02/2019 06:49

It's interesting how many women hate their waste of space fathers whose surname they have. So don't want to pass it to their children. So give them a mans surname...

Plus the usual bit about their own surname is hard to spell/pronounce or boring while those magic male surname are never any of these things

SoupDragon · 07/02/2019 06:52

Plus the usual bit about their own surname is hard to spell/pronounce or boring while those magic male surname are never any of these things

Don't be ridiculous.

mamamooloo · 07/02/2019 07:00

Definitely make sure your child has your surname in there. Following my marriage breakdown I have just had to get my kids changed by deed poll to include my name. I didn't want to have the travel issue every time (I always get asked for birth cert to prove I am his parent) and his Dad is fading out of his life so in the future the connection to my name will be more important.
His dad had to agree to the name change and it was hard to get him to agree, if he hasn't I would have taken it to court.
You can always change both your names to just his later if you wish.

ReaganSomerset · 07/02/2019 07:01

Why don't the women with fathers they hate change to their mother's maiden name? I know a few women that have done that.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 07/02/2019 07:05

We are married, but we both kept our own name and so we double-barrelled. I didn't like the idea of having a completely unconnected surname to our baby; nor did DH.

whatswithtodaytoday · 07/02/2019 07:11

Our child is having my surname. That would have been the case whether we were married or not, as I wouldn't have changed my name on marriage. I decided this many years ago, before I met my partner, and I wouldn't be having a child with someone who didn't agree.

I wouldn't mind double-barrelling in theory, but both our surnames are long and difficult to spell (his actually worse than mine) and it seems daft to burden a child with a 20-character surname that no-one will know how to spell when we can just use mine.

ChubsyMcChubFace · 07/02/2019 07:42

@CandyMelts

I’m married, so not sure if you’re referring to me, but honestly; my name was akin to Schwarzenegger while dh’s is like Smith. Nothing magical about it, but I was pretty glad to get rid of my maiden name.

My only regret is that I hadn’t considered a kind of portmanteau! We could have chosen something easy to spell which included both of our names and both changed. Like Mr & Mrs Swift, (a bit like Smith and Schwarzenegger). Maybe that’s not strictly a portmanteau, but I’d have liked to do something like that and simply never considered it!

If we divorce I won’t change my name back to my maiden name either. I’d just keep it the same as I would not agree to having a different surname to my dcs. If we divorced and dh had an issue with me keeping it, I’d insist the dcs had my name, as I wouldn’t agree to have a different surname to them.

ChubsyMcChubFace · 07/02/2019 07:43

And it’s also like Schwarzenegger in that it is the same as someone famous btw.

unicornsarereal1 · 07/02/2019 07:48

Gave her mine.
I left him at 6 6 months pregnant as he cheated and I didn't put him on her birth certificate.
He would have made my life hell if he had rights / she had his surname.

Sarahandduck18 · 07/02/2019 07:55

Your name.

You can always change it to his later.

But if it’s his you’d need his permission to change it.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 07/02/2019 08:00

We were married before having kids so we all have the same surname. In your case, there is zero way I'd give the child his surname or double-barrel.

Bananalanacake · 07/02/2019 08:11

I am not married. My 2 have their German dad's surname as it has umlauts and Z's and looks cool.

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