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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Is your baby taking your surname or your partners?

81 replies

Lsquiggles · 06/02/2019 10:39

Hi all!

I am a first time mom expecting a baby girl in June and I was wondering whether or not those of you who aren't married have given your child your partners surname or your own?

My partner and I have been together almost 3 years and I'd love to get married. He's in no rush to get married any time soon. I've had quite a few friends who have given their child their partners surnames and then broken up, therefore never having the same surname as their child.

I love my partner and of course would love to assume we will get married one day but I'd hate to not have the same surname as my child if something was to go wrong and for us to break up.

My family also feel strongly about me not giving our baby girl my boyfriends name if we're not married yet so I'm conflicted.

What are your thoughts?

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Thurlow · 06/02/2019 13:54

We weren't married at the time; we are now, but I always knew I would never take his name even if we did marry (and in the end we've only married as a technicality for the legal side of things).

DC have DP's surname. One, this was a serious (10+ years) relationship and we weren't married by choice, not by omission. Two, I wouldn't take his name anyway so we'd never all share a surname. Three, double barreling didn't work with our surnames, sounded awful. But mainly three, I was not bothered. It really does not bother me at all that my DC have a different surname to me. That's their name, their own individual name. If they didn't have the same surname as either DP or me, if we'd decided for the hell of it to give them the surname Yossarian or something because we loved the book, that would be the same.

DP said he would prefer them to share his name, which is his prerogative too. So we had a conversation and decided they would take his surname.

However I do appreciate that I see to be in a distinct minority for not minding at all what their surname is

olderthanyouthink · 06/02/2019 13:54

Baby MySurname-HisSurname

We aren't married, haven't been together that long, though he has asked.

If we married we could both change to match DD or keep our own names.

As an aside both of our surnames probably end with us (him the only son and me the only child who "should" have children)

Thurlow · 06/02/2019 13:55

But then I also appear to be in another minority for genuinely not understanding why anyone, man or woman, would change their surname when they get married in the first place!

HappyPunky · 06/02/2019 14:00

DD has my surname and I'm glad she does. Ex Dp was an arsehole about it when she was born. I would have given both last names if we could have discussed it properly.

He's welcome to use his last name for her if he signs her up for activities but officially her last name is mine which makes sense because I do the day to day stuff, Dr, nursery etc.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 06/02/2019 14:07

We were married before DS but I didn't take DH's name. I also stated at the time that any children would have my surname as a middle name. Our names sound ridiculous double barrelled and this way they still have my surname but don't have to use it. It has caused some confusion initially with drs and so on but is pretty easy to understand.

In your case though I would give any children your surname. It's important to you and you'll be doing all the heavy lifting. You could always double barrel if you get married. Or DH could take your name.

peachgreen · 06/02/2019 14:33

Please be careful when deciding on arrangements for your return to work after having the baby. Unmarried mums can end up in a very vulnerable financial position. And definitely give the baby your surname. If he wants it to have his, he can marry you.

Divgirl2 · 06/02/2019 15:27

I was in a similar situation to you OP - we double barrelled. DS hisname-myname. We both equally dislike it (the names don't naturally flow) we actually plan to make up a whole new surname when we marry later this year. Then we'll all have the same brand new name (assuming we ever agree on one).
So I'd vote either double barrel or your name. Not his! Never his!

rugbychick1 · 06/02/2019 16:04

We double barrelled

sue51 · 06/02/2019 16:09

DH and I have two daughters. Dd1 has my surname and DD2 has my husband's. It has never caused confusion.

carly2803 · 06/02/2019 16:14

Mine,

not together but he is involved.

But key thing - not married....not together - if in the future i re-marry i will double-barrel my name....! so i always have the same name as my child/DH

Just easier all round - if the name causes issues for the guy then sorry but he needs to get over it...and you have bigger problems!

AWishForWingsThatWork · 06/02/2019 16:41

Double barrel without hyphens.

Makes international travel easier if you aren't married and/or you keep your own name.

They can do what they want with their surnames when they're 18 themselves...

SquigglySquaw · 06/02/2019 17:08

My son has my fiancé's surname. We'll get married when we can afford it and I'll take his surname. Can't wait, I hate my surname 😏if I couldn't trust him to not be a twat if we did split, I wouldn't have had a baby with him.

Oaktree1952 · 06/02/2019 17:13

Always the mother's name, no question. Unless it is the mother who is stopping getting married then double barrel the names. If a man can't commit to marriage, how can them be trusted to stay committed to a child?

Skiphopnjump · 06/02/2019 17:15

We are married but I kept my name, and we have DS my surname. He has DH's in there as a middle name. DH was not fussed in the slightest, acknowledging that I would be his primary carer (he's adopted so we did a lot of work on this) a d it would be easier for him to have the same surname as me.

He was equally as unfussed when I decided not to change my surname when we married - and actually suggested himself that he took my name. But he decided against that when I pointed out his first DS (my DSS) had his surname; and since his mum had married someone, he wouldn't have the same name as either of his parents.

TurquoiseWeekend · 06/02/2019 17:17

We discussed it and neither of us minded, so it wasn't an argument really. I decided I preferred the sound of his surname with both boys and girls first names we like, so we're going with that. Plus, we'd like to get married one day and I'd choose to change my name to his then, so we'd then all have the same family name. I'm not hugely attached to my name though and I think it's nice that people have the choice and (hopefully) aren't judged either way anymore.

Didyeeaye · 06/02/2019 17:19

My DS has his dad's surname and my surname as a middle name. I split up with his dad when he was just over a year so Its been a bit of a headache tbh. Wish I would of just given him my surname.

stellarfox · 06/02/2019 17:54

We are in the same situation and are going to double barrell. It’s a bit long so it’s not ideal but we think it’s the fairest thing to do.

LaurenSarah22 · 06/02/2019 17:57

My LO has same surname as her dad, but we are getting married in July. Even if we wasn't getting married she would have the same surname as her Dad

Itstimeslikethese · 06/02/2019 18:15

My son has my partners name I prefer my partners surname than mine & at the time we planned on getting married! However forward on a number of years we have not got married as yet but are still together & hopefully one day will..

Cosmoa · 06/02/2019 19:18

@Thurlow I am with you on this one! Literally couldn't care less that my DD doesn't have my last name! Find it odd that so many people feel so passionately about it.

SoupDragon · 06/02/2019 19:21

Always the mother's name, no question. Unless...

So, not "always" or "without question" then 😂😂

Cosmoa · 06/02/2019 19:23

@Oaktree1952
If a man can't commit to marriage, how can them be trusted to stay committed to a child?

I'm sorry but that is ridiculous. If a guy doesn't want to commit to a marriage, it shouldn't reflect their commitment to their own flesh and blood.

Bumblebeesmum · 06/02/2019 19:24

I think some of these comments are quite sexist - there’s a presumption that a break up somehow makes him less of the child’s Dad?? I would either give her both or combine them - you’re both her parents. I have friends who were Goode and Smith and used Goodsmith.
Alternatively use one of the surnames as a midddle name.

Bubastes · 06/02/2019 19:30

I'm an old fashioned girl. A traditionalist.

And the tradition is that the children of unmarried couples are given their mother's surname. So give your child your name, or both names.

I inwardly shake my head at women who do otherwise.

BlueWonder · 06/02/2019 19:35

I have 3 DC, they had their father's name as we planned to marry but never dd. He left and I have never been able to travel abroad with them because of the different surname. Though they are fully resident with me, I would have to ask his permission or go to court.

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