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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Baby taking Fathers surname but we're not married

69 replies

Rooroo1012 · 14/06/2018 09:50

I'm debating on whether I should give our baby his Fathers Surname.

We are not married and although we've been together for 5 years, it has been a rocky relationship.

Should I give the baby his surname or mine?
What would you do?

OP posts:

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ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 14/06/2018 09:51

Always the mothers surname.

LunaTrap · 14/06/2018 09:52

Give the baby your surname without a doubt.

shiklah · 14/06/2018 09:52

My children would always have my surname name.

MagicFajita · 14/06/2018 09:52

Hyphenate.

Butterflyrosebud · 14/06/2018 09:54

I agree give baby your surname. I don’t understand why unmarried women give the fathers name. You could always change it if you get married. Can you double barrel?

Ludovica · 14/06/2018 09:55

This reply has been withdrawn

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MrsBertBibby · 14/06/2018 09:59

In similar circs I gave my son his dad's name. We split when son was 18 months.

Don't really regret it. Might do different if I had it to do again but he likes having his dad's name so meh.

He has mine as a second middle as hyphenating sounded daft with our names.

Original poster

Rooroo1012 · 14/06/2018 10:02

Thank you.
I was thinking of double barrel and yes, I suppose if we do get married we could always change it.

My first DS has my surname as his father didn't want to stick around long enough so I suppose it would make sense to keep surnames the same. Thanks for your advice.

OP posts:

nina19877 · 14/06/2018 10:02

I would double barrel. My 2 dc have a double barrel surname.

MarklahMarklah · 14/06/2018 10:02

In light of the rocky relationship you mention I'd suggest your surname, or, at a stretch, both.

I know someone who is currently having all manner of issues with her xh where he uses their child as a pawn. He has a new partner and new baby and little interest in his own child. When he has the child to stay, he deliberately picks up and returns late, sometimes not taking the child to school on a Monday morning because to do so would every so slightly inconvenience his lay in. As my friend is the RP she is then chased up about non-attendance, etc.
Friend is in legal wrangle with xh about childs name because he will not permit her to amend the surname to hisname-hername. The only reason he has to do this is to make things difficult for her, which seems to be his prime modus operandi.
Hence, my recommendation, OP.

RunningBean · 14/06/2018 10:11

Your surname if there's a chance of you not staying together. His surname if you're as certain as you can be that you'll stay together and are planning to marry or take his surname soon.

Original poster

Rooroo1012 · 14/06/2018 10:14

I have just spoken to my partner and told him I want to keep my surname and he went mental.
Explained I'm being practical and that if we get married one day we can change it.
He's now broken up with me!
Told me I'm being selfish!
He's such a fool. This is exactly the reason why I was debating on keeping my surname.

OP posts:

mehhh · 14/06/2018 10:15

I gave dd dps surname... I really regret it now I didn't even think twice and I wish I had thought it through before hand

Butterflyrosebud · 14/06/2018 10:17

Wow rooroo I’m sorry! He sounds like an idiot- he’s basically proven to you why you’re making that choice.

overmydeadbody · 14/06/2018 10:17

Rooroo well by that behaviour definitely give baby your surname!!

You're lucky he's done the breaking up with you so you can get on with your life now.

Neweternal · 14/06/2018 10:20

Please yours. I gave my son my surname and so grateful I did. Personally I find double barrelled names unless your aristocratic a bit naff. This will be hard as often men take this badly, but in years to come makes your life easier, if you split.

NotMyFinestMoment · 14/06/2018 10:24

Your surname (and more so given that you have a rocky relationship). If things turn sour you make it very easy for him to exercise his parental rights. Also no one will question if the father fly's out of the country alone with his child if they both have the same surname. That one point alone would put me off giving the child it's father's surname unless I was married to him.

VickieCherry · 14/06/2018 10:25

I've been with my partner 13 years, will probably get married one day, very happy in our relationship and would give a baby my name. I can't understand why the default is the father's name - either you have a family name (which might be yours, his, double-barreled or a new name entirely), or the default should be the mother.

Clearly your relationship is not on solid ground and you should give the baby your own name.

olderthanyouthink · 14/06/2018 10:26

You name! He is an arse!!!

I think will do hyphenated

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 14/06/2018 10:26

You both sound about 12. Your poor kids...

Veterinari · 14/06/2018 10:29

Your ex P sounds like a dick. Give the baby your name then you and both of your DC have the same name no matter what

megletthesecond · 14/06/2018 10:32

Yours. Bitter experience here.
I can't change the dc's surname as xp is long gone and wouldn't agree to it anyway.

NotMyFinestMoment · 14/06/2018 10:42

edit:

I know two women currently (one married and one unmarried) who are absolutely terrified that their DC's father is going to up and leave with the child. One father took (stole) the mother and child's passport. The other woman (unmarried) had to hide the DC's passport because the father for work reasons (very good job offer) decided OUT OF THE BLUE that he was going to take a job in another European country and was taking the child with him. He's also tried on a few occasions to take the child.

I myself am in an awkward situation with my DC's father (absent father and horrible person/very controlling/spiteful). He has also tried unsuccessfully to use the child as a pawn to get back at me and then discards DC when he can't get anywhere with me. He doesn't even know where his DC goes to nursery.

As he's not on the birth certificate, it makes it very awkward (impossible) to exercise any control over our child. I expect him to go to court at some point, but so far so good.

Original poster

Rooroo1012 · 14/06/2018 10:42

@Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar - If I sounded like I was 12 I wouldn't be seeking advice on doing the right thing. Go and troll somewhere else.

I've definitely made up my mind to keep my surname. I guess so many people around me have given their children their fathers surname and then split up. It just didn't seem normal but I'm glad I've MN advice, thanks all.

OP posts:

TinyPawz · 14/06/2018 10:43

My Dd has my surname changed by deed poll after marriage breakdown and new baby will have my surname too. DP isn't particularly happy with the arrangement but I don't want my Dd to feel 'different' from new baby

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