Would this be insensitive?

[xXAnonXx]

Hi,

Bit of a strange situation but I was just wanting a few thoughts from people. We are expecting our first baby and have recently been thinking about names - we like very different styles but have finally settled on 1 name that we both agree on! Since then we found out that my sister-in-law had a child about 9 years ago who she gave up for adoption and it just so happens her child has the same name as the one we have picked. We found out this information by chance and it has never officially been told us by my brother-in-law or sister-in-law therefore we can't ask them about it as it would be totally inappropriate and cause a lot of problems.

Do you think it would be insensitive if we stuck with the name we have chosen after finding out this information? I'm really in two minds about it and not sure what to do

The issue is that you do know now. So for the love of god don’t use the name. It would be absolutely horrific of you..

Yes, very. Find another name.

Yes, very insensitive.

Wow, yeah, to chime in with everyone else, you definitely cannot use this name. We discounted a name as it was the name of a friend's DBIL who had sadly died the year before. We didn't know him but they were close. That's just what you do.

(Friend's BIL died very young and I am close to friend)

No. Do not use the name, it would be a cruel and selfish thing to do.

How did you find out? Does your BIL even know? Imo if you aren't supposed to know about the adopted child then you can't be expected to know its name. This won't be a popular opinion but I don't see why you should change your plans just because SIL screwed up in the past. That wasn't your fault or your problem.

I don't think the OP is coming back.

Good point in your 6th paragraph there, always.

I see what your DH is saying, that if you didn’t know you would’ve gone with the name anyway and been none the wiser.

BUT you DO know! So you can’t possibly use the name now. It really is inappropriate and would be really insensitive.

And you don’t know how she would react?! It could bring up a whole shit load of emotions for her. She could go to pieces or break down and beg you not to use the name! Would you really want to risk doing that to her?? Or have all that going on around the happy news of your new baby?!

I’d definitely use a different name. Think how upsetting and shocking it will be to hear that name for your SIL, especially if it’s unusual. You want your dc to have their own name, not one presumably associated with sadness for members of your family.

No way if you do that oh are both unhinged!
Don't be so horrible.
Choose another name

Is there a variation of the name you can use?
Put yourself in your SIL’s shoes. She is bound to hear this name randomly, on the street, in shops, on tv etc. And every time she hears it it hurts but she walks away.
But if you name your child this name she cannot walk away, she will hear it at every family occasion, via text messages for every milestone. And each time will cut deeper and deeper.
If you use this name I honestly think you may damage the relationship with her, she might have to detach herself for her own self preservation.
Please reconsider

Cirrys This won't be a popular opinion but I don't see why you should change your plans just because SIL screwed up in the past. That wasn't your fault or your problem.*
*
I'm very rarely shocked by anything I read on mumsnet. I think this is the worst comment I have ever read here.

We have no idea of the cicumstances of the SIL’s cukd’s adoption. How dare anyone assume that she screwed up!

This won't be a popular opinion but I don't see why you should change your plans just because SIL screwed up in the past. That wasn't your fault or your problem

You don't see why? Um, ever heard of compassion? Empathy? Basic human decency?

Also assuming that SIL "screwed up" is ignorant in the extreme. Maybe she knew it was the best thing for her child.

Yours might be the most heartless comment I've ever read on MN. Are you the OP's DH?

I’m also annoyed at the assumption she ‘screwed up’ by adoption. We have no idea what the circumstances were so have to assume she did the right, responsible thing at the time for the baby and her.

Fucking hell @WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup aren’t you a charmer! I’m adopted and I don’t think my birth mother screwed up I think she’s awesome for carrying me and having the strength to give me up for adoption so I could have a fantastic life!

Waitrose is quoting, it isn't her opinion, she's as disgusted with cirrys as the rest of us surely are.

Dartmoor I was quoting another poster but messed up the post! I was absolutely disgusted by the post.

Oh hell so sorry @WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup

No Dartmoor totally my fault for quotation/bold fail in my post!