Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Would this be insensitive?

98 replies

xXAnonXx · 29/03/2018 15:24

Hi,

Bit of a strange situation but I was just wanting a few thoughts from people. We are expecting our first baby and have recently been thinking about names - we like very different styles but have finally settled on 1 name that we both agree on! Since then we found out that my sister-in-law had a child about 9 years ago who she gave up for adoption and it just so happens her child has the same name as the one we have picked. We found out this information by chance and it has never officially been told us by my brother-in-law or sister-in-law therefore we can't ask them about it as it would be totally inappropriate and cause a lot of problems.

Do you think it would be insensitive if we stuck with the name we have chosen after finding out this information? I'm really in two minds about it and not sure what to do

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

thethoughtfox · 29/03/2018 18:16

Please don't do this

eurochick · 29/03/2018 19:17

Just don't.

BikeRunSki · 29/03/2018 19:30

However you came to hear about the child your SiL put up for adoption, you do now know. The difference is, previously you’d hurt her unknowingly, but now you would be hurting her knowingly. There are 1000s of names out there, pick another.

When I was expecting DC2, we’d picked our boys name. Then a lady I know a bit - our social circles overlap and we live in the same village - had a child who died at 3 weeks old. He had the name we’d chosen. We chose another boys name.

Oysterbabe · 29/03/2018 19:36

It would be a really horrible and selfish thing to do.

ladymelbourne1926 · 29/03/2018 19:39

Honestly I wouldn't use it. Seriously before you would have hurt her by mistake, not your fault, now, however you found out would be being deliberately hurtful.

BrutusMcDogface · 29/03/2018 19:40

You really, really can't use this name.

QueenieBuchanan · 29/03/2018 19:44

I think it depends on if you're right or not.

You heard a 'snippet' of info, did you hear right?

milkysmum · 29/03/2018 19:46

No absolutely not- please don't be so cruel.

allchangenochange · 29/03/2018 19:46

It would be rather more than insensitive.

Winchester13 · 29/03/2018 19:57

HOw could you even ask?! Would be awful for her if you use the name

Notonthestairs · 29/03/2018 20:05

I wouldn't. I'm a bit surprised you'd want to to be honest. Wouldn't you always wonder whether it was upsetting her?
Have another go through the baby name book

Emma198 · 29/03/2018 20:09

"obviously I would never want to cause upset to anyone"

Well it's not so obvious is it OP given how you still seem to be considering it despite how many people have told you it's a terrible idea.

4GreenApples · 29/03/2018 20:15

It would be horribly insensitive to use the name now that you know it’s the name your SIL gave her baby.

martinidry · 29/03/2018 20:29

Put it this way.

You announce your baby's name then SiL pulls you aside and confides in you that she had a child of the same name who was adopted to another family.

What do you say? Yes, we knew but that is life?
No! Of course you will say oh, you didn't know, you had no idea, oh, you're so sorry, oh, if you had known it you would never have called your baby that name.

Do you truly believe that you could look her in the eyes and lie convincingly enough?

sycamore54321 · 30/03/2018 00:27

You just can't. Of course any name could potentially deeply upset someone for secret reasons but the difference is you KNOW this one will. It's like saying you shouldn't be quarantined if you come down with Ebola because anybody could be walking around with pre-symptomatic infection and be infecting people anyway. Once you know, that changes the picture from a tiny unlikely chance to something quite different. Please don't.

YourWanMajella · 30/03/2018 00:37

btw your boyfriend is a total cunt

GreyGauntlet · 30/03/2018 00:41

Does your DH have a difficult relation with SIL? That's the only explanation I can find, that he consciously or subconsciously wants to hurt her.

WellAndTrulyCurbed · 30/03/2018 00:43

I usually find much hilarity in the baby names threads but this is just sad. Sad that you have to even ask and sad that your boyfriend is such a prick.
No, it's not ok and if you go ahead and do it anyway then neither are you.

What you would have done before you had the knowledge you now have is irrelevant. You DO know and to purposely go ahead and use the name would be pretty fucking low.

Sunflowersforever · 30/03/2018 01:24

Not ok, and if you go ahead then your child is also sure to become aware of this when they grow up. Shit thing to do to your SIL and child.

SpareASquare · 30/03/2018 01:29

Your boyfriend is right. You could potentially cause upset unknowingly with any name.

To do so KNOWINGLY is completely different and you’re not someone I’d want to know if you chose that path.

gonnabreakmyrustycage · 30/03/2018 01:36

How come your partner didn't know his sister was pregnant, had a baby and gave them up for adoption?

duckponds · 30/03/2018 07:14

I can't believe you're still considering using the name, it's extremely insensitive. Not only to your poor sister in law, but also to your DD who will always have a dark shadow over her by all the family who are aware of the situation. Your sister in law may not have told you herself, but she'll find out you know or maybe she is already aware that you know. There are so many names out there, you don't need this one.

greendale17 · 30/03/2018 07:18

Personally I can't believe you have even needed to ask this question.

^This

DartmoorDoughnut · 30/03/2018 07:26

I think if she’d talked about the child it would be a nice way of honouring him/her - with her approval of course - but as they are obvs a secret and probably a painful one you cannot use the name now.

There are hundreds of thousands of names out there you’ll find the right one for your baby, this one isn’t it

Oysterbabe · 30/03/2018 07:37

How come your partner didn't know his sister was pregnant, had a baby and gave them up for adoption?

I might be wrong but I assumed it was his brother's wife.

Flip

1 2 3 4