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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Would this be insensitive?

98 replies

xXAnonXx · 29/03/2018 15:24

Hi,

Bit of a strange situation but I was just wanting a few thoughts from people. We are expecting our first baby and have recently been thinking about names - we like very different styles but have finally settled on 1 name that we both agree on! Since then we found out that my sister-in-law had a child about 9 years ago who she gave up for adoption and it just so happens her child has the same name as the one we have picked. We found out this information by chance and it has never officially been told us by my brother-in-law or sister-in-law therefore we can't ask them about it as it would be totally inappropriate and cause a lot of problems.

Do you think it would be insensitive if we stuck with the name we have chosen after finding out this information? I'm really in two minds about it and not sure what to do

OP posts:

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Littlebitty · 29/03/2018 16:15

No absolutely would not use the name. It's not the issue that SIL didn't "trust you" with this info, the issue if whether you would now willingly cause upset for SIL regarding something which is likely to be a very traumatic episode of her life... I am sure you and DH can find another name in time!

Springsnake · 29/03/2018 16:20

Do you REALLY need to ask this???

DarkRoomDarren · 29/03/2018 16:26

Yes, I think it would be insensitive. I wouldn’t use it. There are so many names out there to choose from. It’s only a name after all. I'd regret upsetting someone a lot more than I’d regret my dd not having a particular name I liked. Which is a worse outcome? I think it’s a no-brainer.

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/03/2018 16:28

There is no dilemma here: you cannot use the name.

constantflux · 29/03/2018 16:31

I don't think insensitive goes far enough - it would be selfish and cruel. Why would you worry about upsetting your partner when he is wanting to do something so mean to another family member? Why would you want to use a name which at best will cause pain and distress to someone in your family, and at worst will affect the family relationships between yourselves, bil/sil and your child for years to come?

DeltaG · 29/03/2018 16:33

Put yourself in her shoes OP, how would you feel? Would you find it a daily, painful reminder of the baby you couldn't keep?

Extremely cruel to go ahead now that you know.

Allthecake · 29/03/2018 16:59

I'm sorry but this is so insensitive. She might be finding welcoming a new baby into the family hard enough, but then to find out you've chosen the name she did would be awful. I know she doesn't know you know, but could you imagine the consequences if she ever did find out you knew? At the very least if you have to compromise on this use it as a middle name, but even that is bad imo.

MrsJayy · 29/03/2018 17:02

But you know about the little girl this woman is part of your family she isn't some random in the street you heard a bit of gossip about. Just pick another name tell your partner there is no whatifs or anything to debate about.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 29/03/2018 17:03

Choose another name.

Normally, I'm very firmly in the 'nobody owns a name, do what you like' camp but these are exceptional circumstances. Your DH's reasoning for using the name anyway is completely skewed. It doesn't matter how you came to know the information, the point is that you know. To use the name, in the full knowledge of the distress it is likely to cause a member of your family would be beyond insensitive, it would be downright cruel.

MammieBear · 29/03/2018 17:04

I wouldn't do it.

WrenNatsworthy · 29/03/2018 17:05

I think that using the name now you know what you do is impossible. The fact that she didn't tell you is irrelevant.

ItsuAddict · 29/03/2018 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Amaried · 29/03/2018 17:12

God do you have to even ask. What is wrong with you!

Slomi · 29/03/2018 17:17

My mother lost a baby boy and 5 years later her cousin gave her son the same name (and surname). Not quite the same as giving baby up for adoption but both are losses. My mother never said anything to the (incredibly insensitive) cousin but it really upset her at the time and she told me she still gets a lump in her throat anytime the lad's full name is said (and he's 20 now). Just don't do it. You can have any number of names. Maybe they might potentially upset someone. This one will definitely upset someone close to you and possibly do so for years.

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 29/03/2018 17:18

whatever decision I make I'll be upsetting someone, either my sister-in-law or my partner

You can say to your partner that you have had a change of heart about the name since finding out about your SIL's adopted baby and would now not be comfortable using the name. He would have to be a completely insensitive twat not to be able to see this was the right call

Fwend · 29/03/2018 17:21

If you have to choose to upset someone, then choose to upset your partner, who didn't have to give up a baby.

If your SIL ever found out that you knew, and used it anyway, just imagine the extra, unnecessary hurt you would cause her.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 29/03/2018 17:25

How sad that you have to ask; you mustn't have a shred of niceness in you... Why do you imagine your partner will be hurt if you veto the name, or is he as nice as you are?

CoffeeOrSleep · 29/03/2018 17:25

Am I right this is your DH's brother's wife? And the baby who was adopted was not fathered by your DH's brother, so not really related?

I can see if your DH sees that you have effectively already named your unborn baby, and that no one has told you/him officially, that he sees this as ok to use. But in that case, you would have been accidentally upsetting your SIL, now it would be deliberate - even if she doesn't know that you know, and so wouldn't think you were doing it deliberately.

Instead of being happy announcing your new baby's birth and name, you'll both be tense, ready for signs of upset. You should just feel joyous announcing your child's birth, not apprehensive.

go back to the drawing board - perhaps start a baby names thread saying "we like xxxx but can't use it for family reasons, what else might we like?" And see if MNers can come up with new suggestions you and your DH haven't thought of before.

LastNightsMakeUp · 29/03/2018 17:28

Your poor SIL if you knowingly do this to her.

Yes any name 'could' cause offence to someone, very unlikely - I've not ever been offended by someone's name. But you know! And you know it will... It's totally different.

LavenderDoll · 29/03/2018 17:39

And why would it upset your partner? Man alive I can't believe you need to ask and your partner sounds a petulant arse.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 29/03/2018 17:45

How odd that heard this news now when you want to use the name, when this child was born 9 years ago.

Where did you hear it?

And no you'd be very insensitive to use the name.

LastNightsMakeUp · 29/03/2018 17:50

On second thoughts... you already know it would be massively insensitive otherwise you wouldn't have asked.

applesandpears56 · 29/03/2018 17:52

Sorry but you can’t use that name. There must be other names you like

PrincessScarlett · 29/03/2018 17:53

Please don't use the name. Now you know, it would be really nasty of you to still use the name.

SomeKnobend · 29/03/2018 18:02

I'm normally a call it whatever you want no matter what type, but you'd be a real pair of fucking cunts if you did this.

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