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Original poster

Baby surname help!!!????!!!!

69 replies

Baby1wine0 · 19/11/2017 11:01

Hi im new to this so please bare with me! ... i am 23 weeks preganant with my first child - a baby boy 😊 ... i have decided i would like a double barrel surname of both mine and my boyfriends names. He is very VERY unhappy about this and i dont think his family are too pleased either. We have a rocky relationship to say the least but i am trying to make it work for the baby's sake. AIBU?? i used to think we'd eventually get married but now im not so sure -its my baby just as much as his and i want to feel connected by name as well as everyging else. When i take him to school etc i dont want to be picking up a child who doesnt even have my name?!?! My family are pressuring me to stick to my guns - they cant stand my boyfriend - if they had the choice the baby would have JUST my surname ... i just dont know what to do?!?

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OrangeJulius · 19/11/2017 11:13

As your relationship is rocky, I would be giving your surname only.

KarmaStar · 19/11/2017 11:19

Hello,
Congratulations on your pregnancy,how exciting.
This should be a really happy time for you and its awful that you are in this turmoil.
If you are unhappy in this relationship and have no intention of marrying him then you are best giving your son just your surname.
Stand your ground,they are showing you no respect or consideration.

Justbookedasummmerholiday · 19/11/2017 11:19

I would think carefully about whether to put him on the bc tbh..... And give the baby your surname only.

Summer1986 · 19/11/2017 11:20

I would give the baby my surname only. If you work things out further down the line and marry you can change his name to that of your partner, or double barrel then.

BertrandRussell · 19/11/2017 11:21

Just your name. Honestly. Anything else would be madness.

HerOtherHalf · 19/11/2017 11:24

The surname is not your biggest problem. It's the easiest to solve though. Rocky relationship and unmarried, give your baby your name alone.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 19/11/2017 11:56

Give the baby your surname only, you won't regret it.

lunabear1 · 19/11/2017 12:13

A close friend of mine gave her daughter his surname, 18 months later they're now separated and she desperately wishes she'd give her daughter her surname.

Your surname or double barrel.

hannahbanana4555 · 19/11/2017 12:15

I wish everyday that I had given my two DCs my surname. They have exPs, as it was "expected" and we were engaged. Please don't make the same mistake.

If they have your surname or both you can always change to his in the future if you did get married in future.

It causes issues with going on holiday (different surnames gets questioned) and annoying at drs apps etc.

bunbunny · 19/11/2017 12:33

Agree. Just your surname.

However I wouldn't mention this to him and I'd begin to slow down on mentioning even double barrelled surname to him too - maybe just come up with some 'we'll have to agree to disagree, I can't cope with the stress you're causing me over this and not discuss it' comment if it comes up again.

Then keep the documents they give you in hospital very safe and go and register your baby alone so that you can put the names that you want on the birth certificate with no pressure to change them.

It will be easy enough to add the dad later if/when your relationship calms down and is no longer rocky and he has proved himself a good partner and father. Him not being on the birth cert shouldn't affect getting maintenance from him should it be necessary later on although fingers X it won't be.

Congratulations and remember that you will be the one looking after your baby through the years - your do might be there, he might not - having the same name as your child will make yours and your child's life much easier and tie you together as a team. He can change his name to match if he wants!

MelinaM · 19/11/2017 13:31

Congratulations! I agree, your surname alone. Should your relationship come to an end it will save you an awful lot of legal problems if you and your son have the same surname.

euanthesheepiloveyou · 19/11/2017 14:02

Give the baby your surname only. 100%.

Lollipop30 · 19/11/2017 14:04

Your surname only definitely

mustbemad17 · 19/11/2017 14:08

Agree with just your surname. My DD was born into similar circumstances, right down o his family thinking she should have his surname. I just kept quiet. When it came to registering her I took him with me but firmly told the registrar my surname. She told me that he had no say in it until the BC was signed so if you can be firm but want him on the BC, the way i did it was easy

C8H10N4O2 · 19/11/2017 14:10

Your surname only. I hear far more regrets from mothers who have added in the paternal name than from those who haven't in this situation.

mustbemad17 · 19/11/2017 14:11

The thing is, if things improve & work out you can change the surname to his - he would obviously consent. Whereas getting a disgruntled ex to agree to change a surname from his to yours is a lot harder

Original poster
Baby1wine0 · 19/11/2017 15:38

Thanks for all the replys ... nice to see some people on my side as most people i've spoken to think its some sort of sin to break from tradition and not give just his name! My only worry is his and his families reaction and if it will make things even harder between us ☹🙁 even his sister who is usually very supportive of my opinions has pointed out my boyfriend is the only son to pass down their family name etc

OP posts:
mustbemad17 · 19/11/2017 16:04

Best they also tell him having a baby is about more than just a surname then!
Honestly OP the grief I got from my ex & his family was unreal; fast forward five years & ex hasn't seen his daughter in 4.5 years for various reasons. Never was I so relieved she was my surname. Stick firm

WhatKatyDidNotDo · 19/11/2017 16:07

Definitely just use your surname. As others have said, your boyfriend and his family may not be commuted to the baby and you will wish that didn't just use your surname.

WhatKatyDidNotDo · 19/11/2017 16:07

Committed*

ThePinkPanter · 19/11/2017 16:10

Justbooked based simply on the information the OP has given, can I ask why you have suggested she think carefully as to whether she should include the child's father on his birth certificate?

kimlo · 19/11/2017 16:13

if his sister is so bothered about the family name being passed down she can give it to her children.

Justbookedasummmerholiday · 19/11/2017 16:17

Him and his family already seem to be pushing the op around - hardly a good sign of a fruitful relationship.

RebeccaWrongDaily · 19/11/2017 16:17

your surname, and don't give him joint parental rights. That way lies madness in an already rocky relationship.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 19/11/2017 16:18

Traditionally a baby was given its mother’s surname actually. So unmarried mothers would give child their maiden name. Married mothers gave their married name.

In your position I would give my child my surname but I wouldn’t deny my child his father’s name on the birth certificate.

Also, I wouldn’t keep a rocky relationship going when expecting a child. The newborn days/weeks/months are extremely testing. The strongest relationships can struggle. A new baby can expose cracks you didn’t know were there. Goodness knows how hard it is with a rocky relationship. Personally I’d be moving back with my family!

Stand your ground & good luck.

Oh. And ignore that sil - that has absolutely nothing to do with you!