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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Middle name honouring dead mother - DH does not agree...

59 replies

oeufdepaques · 29/07/2017 08:20

Baby due in a week and we still haven't sorted out a first name but will most likely be a French name as my DH is French and we live in a French speaking country. However I told DH that if the baby is a girl I would like her middle name to be my mother's (very English!) name. My mother died not so long ago and I want my child to have her name to honour her memory.

DH said absolutely no way unless his mother's name is there too. Now i like mil and we have a great relationship but she is very much alive and gets to spend so much time with our dc. My mum will never meet them; they will have no memories of her and I just wanted this baby to have something special to remember her maternal gm by. Putting mil's name there too just makes it all feel less special if that's clear. Not mention it becoming a bloody long name.

Fwiw I don't have DH's name so the dc already share their surname with mil but not my family. And DH and his siblings have no middle names so it's not like they're important to mil and their family.

I may be being selfish and probably overly emotional but I just feel let down by DH - I have no mum and I just wanted to honour her memory in a special way but he said it's either both names or nothing.

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Awwlookatmybabyspider · 29/07/2017 08:29

How selfish is he. The child will have his surname, so One name from his family. What more does he want.

Bumpitup44 · 29/07/2017 08:30

Think your OH is being totally unreasonable! Explain to him again why it's important to you and basically it's happening!! Stand your ground!! Good luck to you lovely, it's a beautiful idea ❤️ Xx

Celticlassie · 29/07/2017 08:32

The child will KNOW his mother and not yours, so the least he could do is give the child your mother's name. I'm sure his mother would rather be part of your child's life.

ChickenBhuna · 29/07/2017 08:32

Is he always this rigid? The baby must have a French name , his surname and you may not add a middle name... it's your child too.

I wouldn't be happy with his attitude at all.

Notreallyarsed · 29/07/2017 08:33

Your DH is being very unfair! Our DD is named after DPs late mum (my suggestion), my (now) late mum and my late granny. It's a middle name, and a way of you including your mum. He's being very, very unfair.

ScarletForYa · 29/07/2017 08:34

He's a selfish prick.

BertrandRussell · 29/07/2017 08:34

Must have a French first name.
Must have his last name.
Can't have your mother's name as a middle name.

Is he controlling in other ways?

robinia · 29/07/2017 08:35

He is BU.
Tell him the baby will take your surname and have no middle names.

kiwiscantfly · 29/07/2017 08:35

My elder two girls have family names from my family as middle names, my husband even suggested one of them. When DD2 was born I suggested a name from his family he disagreed because they have his last name and he felt they needed a link to my family. Long story short, stick to your guns!

Delurked · 29/07/2017 08:36

YANBU. We gave DD1 my mother's name as her middle name. DM wasn't dead but was terminally ill when she was born so it was a way of making a lasting connection between them.

When we had DD2, DH wanted his mum's name as the middle name. I agreed, but inwardly I hated it as it seemed to devalue using my mum's name for DD1. I know this is irrational, and I have never made my feelings about it known, but I completely understand where you are coming from.

Original poster

oeufdepaques · 29/07/2017 08:37

Thanks. Exactly celtic - I know what I'd prefer.
I feel like he's putting his mum's feelings before mine and it just makes me feel so upset.
Thanks again for support. I'm not going to back down. His db is expecting twins too so hopefully they can include his mum's name somewhere!

OP posts:

Duckstar · 29/07/2017 08:38

I think he's being cruel. I know MIL get a bashing on MN but someone would have to take serious offence that a child was given a name of someone much loved, but deceased, and not them. Do you get on well with your MIL could you have a chat with her? Get her on your side?

Original poster

oeufdepaques · 29/07/2017 08:40

Oh and he hasn't insisted on the first French name but French names just seem to work more easily that's why we'll most likely go for a French name. The surname I never questioned but now I just think FFS! Let me have this one thing.

OP posts:

CotswoldStrife · 29/07/2017 08:42

DH proposed - only once - using his late mother's name as a middle name and I refused, on similar grounds to your DH (why exclude my mum?!) and there was no way I was using both mother's names!

My own middle name is that of a grandparent I never met or knew. It is a nice gesture from an adult, but I don't think it means quite the same for the child.

I hope you can come to an agreement that you are both happy with.

Original poster

oeufdepaques · 29/07/2017 08:48

So what did you choose cotswold?

I don't want something random. Nothing against those who choose middle names just because they like them, but personally I don't see the point.

I have to admit that your attitude does confuse me. Your mum presumably wasn't excluded from lots of other aspects of your dc's lives? But respect your pov and at least it's not just my DH with this attitude.

OP posts:

Tessa84 · 29/07/2017 08:50

Sorry you are going through this OP. I also agree he is being unreasonable. Maybe he is afraid of offending his mother? But if she is reasonable she will perfectly understand and be on your side. I agree with @duckstar regarding enlisting her support.

I'd reserve the battleground approach for later.. but definitely stand your ground!!

It is a beautiful thing to do for your mum and I hope your OH ends up seeing it too.

Good luck!

astoundedgoat · 29/07/2017 08:56

Your DH is being completely unreasonable. Your mother is being excluded from your child's entire life by not being with you any more, so your DH needs to back the hell down.

My mother died right before dd1 was born, so we gave dd1 my mother's name as her middle name. When dd2 put in her appearance we gave her mil's name (mil is still alive). Nobody, least of all DH batted an eyelid.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 29/07/2017 09:02

He sounds completely unreasonable. If DP and I go on to have another DD, I'm going to suggest the middle name is his late DSister's name. If he had suggested it, I wouldn't have insisted on having my DSister's name as well because she is still here and very much involved in her current niece's life.

ArcheryAnnie · 29/07/2017 09:05

He's being a total dick, OP. Your baby will have his last name, a French first name to honour his side of the family, and will be spending considerable time with his mother. He's being selfish, unreasonable and incredibly controlling to refuse to give the baby your mum's middle name. (And how many people use or know middle names anyway?)

Is he an arse in other ways as well?

CotswoldStrife · 29/07/2017 09:08

My DD has a middle name that is used on both sides of the family, but wasn't a first name for either grandparent. Plenty of people have no middle name at all though (my mum for one!).

I can see that you want your family (and specifically your mother) to be represented in your family and I can understand that. You see your mother as being 'excluded' from your DC's lives - I don't see it quite like that.

I talk to my DD about the grandparents she didn't meet or didn't know for very long - because although MIL died before DD was born, my own mother died unexpectedly when DD was a toddler.

I don't see middle names as specifically a link to family, fine to pick a name that you love too.

bunningsbunny · 29/07/2017 09:10

Could you try saying that where you come from (don't make it too specifically British in case he talks to other people to find out it's not as widespread as you suggested, could be just a regional thing. Even if that 'region is just you!) it's unlucky to include the names of living relatives but lucky to include a deceased gp's name.

This the both or neither solution doesn't work for you, that everything else the baby is having will be French as that's where you will be living and dd will be immersed in French family, traditions, schooling, life... so that this is very important because it feels like he is trying to extinguish every last scrap of non-French-ness in your dd and that's just not on.

And maybe dangle the carrot of using the name as middle name for your next dd - mil will always have special bond with your dd for being the first gc from him, the next one will then be able to have a special bond too. And leave decisions about dd2's name until it is actually an issue!

Wanderingbluebell · 29/07/2017 09:25

My MIL died a few months before dd was born. Dd has MIL's name as a middle name. It felt right as we were so sad MIL would never get to meet her / vice versa. Ultimately I don't think middle names are that important but if you go for one it's nice to have a connection to someone rather than just another name you like. I think it's quite different to naming a child after a living relative.

Chosenbyyou · 29/07/2017 09:35

Put your foot down on this - it is happening.

Sometimes you just have to.... X

InvisableLobstee · 29/07/2017 09:38

I can see your point OP and your dp is being insensitive, but it seems a shame to get into an argument over this. Especially as I have just been chatting on a thread about how the child wants to change her name. Is there some other way you could include memories of your dm in your daughter's upbringing. Maybe you could make a memory box of mementos of your dm that the children would enjoy looking at as they grow up and tell them stories about her. Was there something she especially liked doing you could do with your children?

Original poster

oeufdepaques · 29/07/2017 09:50

Thanks for further replies.

Sorry if I wasn't clear but we already have one dd. It's a traditional name from my side of the family but ironically the name has the French spelling. However again, she has a French first name and dh's surname. And I've never even heard my pil mention her middle name and I wouldn't be surprised if they even knew she had one. Like I said, they didn't use middle names for their dc. But I don't think I can use the potential next baby argument as I don't want any more!

TBH I don't think mil would be bothered. Just as long as the baby has her surname - she already said that when she realized i wasn't taking dh's name. It's just DH trying to make things 'fair'.

Oh and if the baby is a boy i fully agree with my husband's wish of using his beloved grandad's and dad's name as a middle name. I wouldn't insist on having my dad's too.

I just think it's a nice sentiment to honour someone by using their name as a middle name. Having the whole family listed there (ok I'm exaggerating!) just seems to take away the sentiment behind it.

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