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Original poster

Middle name honouring dead mother - DH does not agree...

59 replies

oeufdepaques · 29/07/2017 08:20

Baby due in a week and we still haven't sorted out a first name but will most likely be a French name as my DH is French and we live in a French speaking country. However I told DH that if the baby is a girl I would like her middle name to be my mother's (very English!) name. My mother died not so long ago and I want my child to have her name to honour her memory.

DH said absolutely no way unless his mother's name is there too. Now i like mil and we have a great relationship but she is very much alive and gets to spend so much time with our dc. My mum will never meet them; they will have no memories of her and I just wanted this baby to have something special to remember her maternal gm by. Putting mil's name there too just makes it all feel less special if that's clear. Not mention it becoming a bloody long name.

Fwiw I don't have DH's name so the dc already share their surname with mil but not my family. And DH and his siblings have no middle names so it's not like they're important to mil and their family.

I may be being selfish and probably overly emotional but I just feel let down by DH - I have no mum and I just wanted to honour her memory in a special way but he said it's either both names or nothing.

OP posts:
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rainsbow · 29/07/2017 09:50

What about choosing names with the same initials as your mum's?

LouiseBrooks · 29/07/2017 09:57

if the baby is a boy i fully agree with my husband's wish of using his beloved grandad's and dad's name as a middle name

But he says you can't do what is, in effect, the same thing if it's a girl? He's an arse.

SnugglyBedSocks · 29/07/2017 09:57

I think he is being unreasonable too.

We used my maiden name (can be used as a boy's name anyway) as ds1 middle name and MILs maiden name as ds2 middle name

Original poster
oeufdepaques · 29/07/2017 09:59

Sorry I meant our first dd has a middle name which is a traditional name from my family.

We're not really arguing about it but it just dh's attitude which is upsetting me. I may just go for no middle names and then everyone is 'happy'!

OP posts:
histinyhandsarefrozen · 29/07/2017 10:01

Why wouldn't you pass on a name to honour your late mother?

I can't understand the idea that you should just pick a random pretty name instead.

PaddedSoca · 29/07/2017 10:10

Your husband sounds horrendous. How petty could anyone be that they won't allow the woman they love to honour their mother who is no longer with them with a middle name only unless their mother also gets mentioned. Reading your OP makes me furious on your behalf. There's no way I'd tolerate that kind of meanness and disrespect. Give your daughter your mother's name as her first name, and your surname and LTB.

valeriarrgh · 29/07/2017 10:17

We used my late Nanna's name as our daughters middle name (it is very much a typical Nan name), I would of loved for them to have known each other, I adored my Nan. The husband had no issue with it. I double barrelled my last name when I got married and I did toy with giving it to our daughter, so she would have both our last names, which I think is nice but it would of been a mouthful and it didn't flow with the names we had chosen for her, so she has my husbands name. He's never once got huffy or said that his children must have his last name or anything.

I honestly don't understand when some men get all... I don't know if territorial is the right word but I'll go with it, about last names, I know one friends partner (at the time) got really offended and pissy when she said she was thinking about keeping her own name, he got all 'my wife and my children will have MY name'. Like it was an affront to him to want to keep her name. I do not get it. But I digress! He is being very unreasonable. You should absolutely be able to name your child after your mother.

seven201 · 29/07/2017 10:50

I've only read your first post but this had made me so so angry! My Mum died a couple of years before my dd was born. She has my mum's middle name and if my dh had been against that or tried to add his alive mother's name in there too I would have hit the roof! How dare he not want to honour your mother?! How selfish. Or is it a French thing to have both mum's name in there or something? I'll read your other posts now.

seven201 · 29/07/2017 10:55

Is his dad alive or dead? I can't work that bit out. So he wants their (presumably the same) name as a middle name if it's a boy. Is your mum's name outdated now or something? Just trying to work out why he's being such a dick. Please don't back down. I absolutely love that my dd has my dead mum's name as a middle name. Every time I have to use her full name it makes me happy.

Original poster
oeufdepaques · 29/07/2017 11:10

No his dad isn't dead. If the baby is a boy we will use his grandfather's name as a middle name which is also the second part of his dad's double barelled name.

He's happy to use my mum's name but on the condition his mum's name is there too. When I said that I felt that took away the sentiment behind honouring my dead mother; he said it was all or nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
oeufdepaques · 29/07/2017 11:11

I feel too seven that it would make me happy to use my mum's name. If the name is : first name, my dm's name, mil's name, DH surname it will just feel like it's half of mil's full name!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 29/07/2017 11:34

". I may just go for no middle names and then everyone is 'happy'!"

No they aren't. You aren't.
Can you get your MIL to tell him he's being an arse?

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 29/07/2017 11:39

YANBU. I do think it's rather selfish of him to say no; his mum gets to meet them, so it would be nice for them to have your mum's memory in their name.

Maryz · 29/07/2017 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brightlightceiling · 29/07/2017 12:21

Do you plan on having more children? If yes, would you be ok with him choosing tge middle name?

I think that you should use your mothers name but would it be so bad to add his mothers name? She won't ive forever and you might never have another daughter.

Fwiw, I told my DH that if we ever have a daughter she will have my late mums name as a middle name, not negotiable. However, I am willing to add a version of his mums name as well. After my mums name of course Grin

user1471547428 · 29/07/2017 13:27

You should stick with what you want.

Jewish tradition is to name after deceased relatives, it's unlucky to name someone after a living relative. Maybe you could borrow the tradition for the sake of the discussion?

But really he's being completely unreasonable.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 29/07/2017 14:21

He is a mean-spirited shit. Really.

insancerre · 29/07/2017 14:29

He is being very unreasonable
DS has my brothers name as a middle name. He died age 17 on the same day as I found out I was pregnant
I said I wanted the baby to have his name as a middle name if a boy. Dh didn't really get a say, but he did agree with me
I registered ds' birth in the hospital, so I didn't even need Dh to be there, or give his permission

I think you need to have a conversation and tell him how much it means to you.
I think you may resent him if you don't use your chosen name

MammieBear · 29/07/2017 14:45

Stick to your guns on this one hun, your in the right.

seven201 · 29/07/2017 18:18

". I may just go for no middle names and then everyone is 'happy'!"

Do not give in! You would not be happy. Could you get someone else to speak to him. He's being such a selfish twat. Maybe show him this thread? He can come and give his point of view if he wishes. He's not had to lose a parent so he simply does not get it or is the biggest cockwomble ever.

Imnotatypicalsausage · 29/07/2017 18:57

Your DH is being a bit of a knob being so rigid and refusing to discuss it.

However, if you don't plan to have any more kids, maybe he's thinking about the fact that his mum will be dead at some point and maybe wants a way to remember her, and plus if it is a girl then he won't have had the chance to use the dad/grandad name that he really wants to pass on.

Would it really be so bad to have both names in there? Put his mum's name second, no one cares about the second middle name. You will get what you want which is your mum's name remembered, and he will get what he wants. I don't really see why it would dilute the tribute to your mum. Surely this is a better solution than one of you always feeling bitter about it?

PotteringAlong · 29/07/2017 19:05

Well you better make damn sure if it's a boy that your dad's name is on there too so he's not excluded.

Original poster
oeufdepaques · 31/07/2017 08:22

Thanks for all further replies. We haven't really discussed it in any more detail but I'm going to try to stick to my guns on this one.

I think what's bugging me the most is that he just seems determined to make things 'fair'. It's not about using his mum's name as it's a nice gesture. It's so my mum doesn't seem to get preferential treatment. How that can ne when she's dead i don't know. It's not as if she ever gets to spend any time with dc like his mum does .

Anyway, thanks again, glad to read that the general feeling is that I'm not being unreasonable.

OP posts:
histinyhandsarefrozen · 31/07/2017 09:13

Yes, I understand where he thinks he is coming from but his rigidity about 'fairness' is not only wrong (it's not 'fair' that your mum is dead) but it's a really ugly attitude to have to someone he loves.

Blogwoman · 31/07/2017 09:30

Any chance of your MIL becoming your ally in this? Could you explain the situation to her & ask her to back you up? Shouldn't need to of course but it might help. Totally reasonable wish on your part OP, as many have said here. Stick to your guns.