Surname?

[PirateQueenie]

This probably sounds like a petty issue to some - just wondering if anyone's been in the same boat or how you resolved it.

My partner and I aren't married, although we know we will be one day. The thing is I don't know whether I will change my name in marriage anyway - my mum didn't, and I'm named after a historical figure so love my full name. Now what name do we give baby? Loads of people have said well you've carried the child so therefore your name. And although that's true, my partner is just as deserving to use his name surely? I know how gutted I'd be if I didn't share the name with my child, so I know he'll be just as upset not to?!
As I said, probably a none-issue to most people, but we really can't decide without one of us left upset....
PS - the double barrel thing just wouldn't work for us as we both have unusual and longish surnames as it is 😕

9 times out of 10 when a parent's surname is used a middle name it's the mother's name.

Bertrand is right, you know... You've just followed exactly that tradition you claimed not to follow.

Middle names are never used FFS.
That's a lame excuse for using his surname instead of yours.

Well isn't it wonderful that "lame" is a subjective adjective :) I would argue that you're attitude comes across as quite lame.

Mitzy - there was a 50/50 chance of it being one OR THE OTHER. Only two options so it could only be one or the other haha. I also claimed I'm not of the belief that it should be mine because I carried the child. So if id have said I'll use mine would you jump on me for doing something else I "claim not to follow"?! Fucked if you do, fucked if you don't.

Calm down, we're just saying it's not exactly a shocker that your name was the one given second middle name status. The odds were very much in the favour of your child being given his father's surname as most kids in this country are. So not 50/50 at all.

My partner and I discussed this at length, and could not find a compelling reason for either name. The arguments for /against each option were fairly balanced. We tossed a coin (best of 3!).

I really don't think it matters. If you are sure you will never take DP's name, I would ensure both names are used personally.

When my daughter and I had different names (same now since married her father) the only time I had issues was in the airport (incidentally when returning home rather than leaving the country )

My husband walked through passport control alone and I carried our daughter through as she was sleeping on me. I was asked whose child she is, and why our names don't match, then was told I should not have carried her through, he should have, because of our different names wtf?!

But apart from that, different names have never been a problem, it just feels nice to all be the same I suppose.

Fucked if you do, fucked if you don't?? . Hardly. It doesn't affect anyone but you...

I am married but kept my name. DD has DH's surname. I agreed to this and thought it was fair at the time, but had not discovered mumsnet at that point, nor had I thought fully about the politics of parenting, family roles etc etc. I wish I had given DD my surname or double barrelled. It would be a very unwieldy name, but lots of people have long and unusual names. At least you are getting your name in there somewhere but give it proper thought (not suggesting you haven't!). I try not to have regrets but I do think about it quite a bit.

"calm down" - thanks for the condescension but I'm currently lay in the sun relaxing, very calmly ☺☀
No. Statistically more men may share their child's surname than women (when they don't have the same surname), but in this case it was 50/50. Mine, or my partners. 1/2 = 50/50.
I know this may shatter your vision of me being a controlled and suppressed little woman who bows down to everything my partner (supposedly) orders. If I was as concerned as you are about having to enforce my female right, I would just say that to my partner and he would be fine with me using my surname. I wanted to just think out the options and make a decision between us. Which we have.

Sure.

Flogging - well yes, considering I said I don't ascribe to either principle but will have to choose one. I then chose one and got "you said you didn't believe in that tradition", but had a done the opposite then I would have chosen another I didn't believe in. That's what I meant.

Having only two options doesn't necessarily make the odds on the outcome 50/50. All options aren't weighted equally, that's not how probability works.

Mitzy - sure?? I guess from your sarcastic remark you have an entire picture built of me and my life eh? Life must be fun in your house.

Flogging - so how exactly is it weighed? If you're talking about national statistics then that's not my situation. I took my mums surname, not dads. So what happened there then? All odds were stacked against them, according to your logic. So what happened? A miracle perhaps? Or just a normal conversation between two adults where they decided on the name of their child?

You're reading an awful lot into people's comments. Catch some more of those calming sunbeams!

Eh?? Reading alot into people's comments? How odd...

One of those decisions women make in a vacuum...........

Are all of you like this in your day to day lives? So judgmental of women that act differently to how you would? I find it fascinating that you're all so negative with very little back story or knowledge of a particular person or family.

Are we? Well, on mumsnet I'm usually the cynical realist I actually am. In real life that is often (not towards DH or close family) hidden by a respectable veneer of socially acceptable and cheerful femininity

No, seriously. My advice would be to double barrel. Especially because you say you won't take your DF's name anyway. If you do change your opinion about this you could still change her name after the wedding.

And anyhow, you say it was a 50/50 chance... I personally honestly doubt it. Simply because I've never seen it the other way around (the father's name as a middle name). But that doesn't mesn I don't respect your decision. Many people on mumsnet may not agree with mine either...

I'm not being judgemental. I'm being world weary.

Seriously don't understand the shitty attitude some posters have got on here. OP asked for an opinion and people got snidey when she made a different decision to what they suggested. Next time i ask for advice on here should i add a disclaimer in stating I won't be following all suggestions made?

Good luck choosing a name OP but it sounds like you're almost there.

Fwiw my point of view when coming to this decision was that i would have the bond of carrying the baby through pregnancy and giving birth and a name didn't feel so important to me. I gave my DC my DP's surname but i don't intend to use it myself when we marry.

Thanks so much imsticking. I was starting to think I was losing my mind here!
Quiet I wasn't referring to you either.

I didn't really know about blended surnames when i was pregnant. Ive been told that's what's done in Spain as standard and i like the idea but in practice, my DP and my surname would have sounded shite blended

DS1 has my maiden name as his first name as I was the last of the bloodline to have it so we wanted it to appear elsewhere.