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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Surname?

81 replies

PirateQueenie · 02/05/2017 08:40

This probably sounds like a petty issue to some - just wondering if anyone's been in the same boat or how you resolved it.

My partner and I aren't married, although we know we will be one day. The thing is I don't know whether I will change my name in marriage anyway - my mum didn't, and I'm named after a historical figure so love my full name. Now what name do we give baby? Loads of people have said well you've carried the child so therefore your name. And although that's true, my partner is just as deserving to use his name surely? I know how gutted I'd be if I didn't share the name with my child, so I know he'll be just as upset not to?!
As I said, probably a none-issue to most people, but we really can't decide without one of us left upset....
PS - the double barrel thing just wouldn't work for us as we both have unusual and longish surnames as it is 😕

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Original poster

PirateQueenie · 03/05/2017 00:04

Quiet - really? That's odd! Which country was that? I wonder whether there'd been some child trafficking concerns or something but it doesn't sound like the usual procedure. Many children have different names to their parents and I've never encountered this before (used to work for TUI).
Ah I rarely think about the "what ifs" when something like this. I wouldn't be having a child with my partner if I thought we'd break up (famous last words..?) 😉 x

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QuietNameChange · 03/05/2017 00:12

Ah... My parents got divorced, maybe that's why I'm such a pessimist ;=)

I have no idea, but I'll ask her when I see her the next time. But yes, there were most likely child trafficking or child abduction concerns at least imo.

Even mumsnet has advice on it, so she couldn't have been the only one...
www.mumsnet.com/travel/travelling-with-a-child-with-a-different-surname

BertrandRussell · 03/05/2017 00:15

"BertrandRussel We haven't actually come to that decision yet haha. What makes you assume it would be mine?"
Long and cynical experience.

Original poster

PirateQueenie · 03/05/2017 00:20

Bert it's a tough one for me, because I don't follow the tradition of giving fathers name just because generations before have done (hence why I'm not changing my name in marriage), but also not of the belief that "you carried the child for 9 months so you decide" either. Somewhere in limbo stuck in the middle! 😕

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ExplodedCloud · 03/05/2017 00:26

Our dc got DH's surname but that counted as his 'pick' so I got more power in the first name pick. The name I use most...

ImLadybird · 03/05/2017 08:08

You read about it a lot on here and because I'm now in the same situation, I notice it. If children have a different surname to the solo parent travelling with them, the advice is that you take their birth certificate with you (and sometimes even written authorisation from the other parent, that you may travel with them). Funnily enough, it seems to happen more coming back into the UK rather than leaving it

BertrandRussell · 03/05/2017 08:13

I have a different name to my children, and it's never been an issue although know it has for some people. It does seem a bit strange, though, that a key reason for maintaining patriarchal naming traditions seems to be the possibility of being mildly inconvenienced 4 times a year...........

Floggingmolly · 03/05/2017 08:20

But you wouldn't be inconvenienced if you had the same name as your children, so I don't see where patriarchal naming traditions come in?
Do your children share a surname, Bertrand?
I think full siblings having different surnames is the oddest thing of all, for all the sneering family names seems to elicit, for some reason.

Original poster

PirateQueenie · 03/05/2017 08:26

I had a different surname to my dad as my mum didn't change hers in marriage, and never had problems travelling with him when I was younger (although that was 30 years ago so quite likely things have changed). Either way, if DC takes my name and then travels with Dad, he would have the same thing, so doesn't really resolve the matter either. Interesting point though

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BertrandRussell · 03/05/2017 08:51

"But you wouldn't be inconvenienced if you had the same name as your children, so I don't see where patriarchal naming traditions come in?
Do your children share a surname, Bertrand?".
The "patriarchal" naming tradition is the automatic use of the father's name. And the travelling thing is often quoted as a reason for sticking to it. I was just pointing out that mild inconvenience 4 times a year doesn't seem to be a big price to pay!
And yes, my children have the same name. And the same parents.

NameChange30 · 03/05/2017 09:00

It's not a petty question at all.

FWIW I think you should give the child your surname, for the simple reason that if you decide to change it to his after marriage, it will be reasonably easy to achieve (presumably he would agree to it), whereas if you give the child his surname and later decide you want to change it to yours, that will be harder to achieve (because you'll need his permission and he might not agree to it).

Also because you are going to carry this child for 9 months and then give birth and then (if you're like the vast majority of mothers) take more parental leave than your partner, and maybe become a SAHP or return to work but with reduced working hours, so you can look after your child.

So it might seem "unequal" to give the mother priority as far as naming a child is concerned, but life is still unequal, and choosing how we name our own children is the least we deserve!

Floggingmolly · 03/05/2017 09:04

I know what the patriarchal tradition is; I meant if the children have the mother's name there's unlikely to be an issue re. passports?

NameChange30 · 03/05/2017 09:06

Could you blend your surnames in some way? Hard to make suggestions without knowing the surnames, but I understand you probably don't want to out yourself by sharing them.

Could you tell us how many syllables in each surname?

DS has two surnames, each with two syllables, and it's a bit of a mouthful but it was the only fair way. His first and middle names are just one syllable each, at least

Gallavich · 03/05/2017 09:07

The tradition is NOT giving children their father's name. The tradition is to give them the mother's name. Obviously if the mother was married to the father her name would be the same as his but unmarried mothers always had to give children their surname. Fathers never 'gave' their surnames to illegitimate children in the old days.

Gallavich · 03/05/2017 09:08

Borders are not a problem if they have the same surname and if they have different ones then just travel with a photocopy of the birth certificate

namechange20050 · 03/05/2017 09:12

I'm married but I retained my last name. Our child has both our last names double barrelled. We haven't had any issues at passport control (he's only 2 but has flown quite a bit).

badg3r · 03/05/2017 09:27

My children have my DHs surname. When we travel with DH it is fine, when it is just me I usually have to show their birth certificates at the border control.
In the name front, I thought it would bother me more not having the same name as my kids but I don't really mind. Maybe I will change it later, maybe not. I got most say on their first names so I think it is fair. I know several women who have used their maiden name as a second middle name for their kids.

QuietNameChange · 03/05/2017 09:29

I personally think this is a pretty suggestion:

Or, as pp suggested, you could give DD his surname but count this as his "pick", so you get to choose her first name...

Original poster

PirateQueenie · 03/05/2017 13:04

Thanks all - we have said that middle name will be my mums first name, so think if we used my surname it would sound odd to us as it would sound like Baby's first name then my mums full name. I think we're going to use my surname as second middle name and DP surname as baby's surname.... Oh the politics of parenthood! 🙈

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NameChange30 · 03/05/2017 13:40

"Let me guess. It's your name that's going to be the second name......"

Aaand Bertrand was right

Original poster

PirateQueenie · 03/05/2017 13:47

Well Bertrand had a 50/50 chance of being right. I'm guessing you might be one of those people who predict babies genders and then light up when proved correct all of 50% of the time... yawn

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 03/05/2017 13:47

Middle names are never used FFS.
That's a lame excuse for using his surname instead of yours.

NameChange30 · 03/05/2017 13:48

Cross post. I'm "one of those people" who says sex, not gender. HTH

flibberdy · 03/05/2017 13:50

Use his as a middle name. When I had DS I gave him Xp's name as I was sure we would get married. But, life happened and now I have a different surname to my son - very annoying. Practically as well as I travel a lot with him so passport control can be a nightmare.

My advice would be to give Dc your name then if you change your name through marriage you can change Dc name by deed poll. I wish wish wish someone had suggested this to me!

BertrandRussell · 03/05/2017 13:51

"Well Bertrand had a 50/50 chance of being right."

No I didn't. I had about a 90% chance of being right. I would have had a 95% chance, but you did say "I don't follow the tradition of giving fathers name just because generations before have done" so the odds were slightly longer.

If you don't use a hyphen your name will vanish.

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