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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

DP won't agree to anything but his surname.

97 replies

JaydeM · 13/12/2016 12:07

What do I do? My mum is telling me to just register our daughter on my own, but she says she would do that with just her surname (she is a bit extreme with things) but do I do that then? However, I would double-barrel, but do you think that will really ruin the relationship?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

matthews12 · 13/12/2016 14:08

twoguns, the op said she has asked him to agree to double barrle

drspouse · 13/12/2016 14:10

TwoGun Surely refusing to come and register the birth and taking the view of your mates over your partner and mother of your baby are rather more likely to ruin a relationship?

TwoGunslingers · 13/12/2016 14:11

Yea, I just thought she was going to double barrel with her name at the end rather than his? If you know what I mean

TwoGunslingers · 13/12/2016 14:22

I think definitely making a father go to court to be recognised as a father is more extreme than a father having a huff, he just seems to be being petulant and short sighted

drspouse · 13/12/2016 14:33

Well that's his problem isn't it?
Maybe he doesn't want PR?

MinesAGin · 13/12/2016 14:37

I didn't change my name at work when I got married, but changed it for banking etc, and our children had his name. I have to wonder at all these people on this thread who presumably kept their own names, because I didn't meet many who had.

EvenTheWind · 13/12/2016 14:41

At least one poster has said they intend to take their partner's name; they still recognise that, as the op doesn't want to, she shouldn't have to!

hoddtastic · 13/12/2016 14:43

i dunno, they sound young etc. I can't imagine that he's going to be there, devoted forever (sorry to sound harsh) if he's being this much of a dick now then it doesn't bode well, whether you stay together or don't.

AntiHop · 13/12/2016 14:46

I kept my surname when I got married. Initially I thought I didn't mind future children having his surname, but adult further thought I decided the man's surname as default for the child made me just as annoyed as changing my name on marriage. So I gave my dp a choice. My name only or double barrelled. He chose double barrelled.

ChocoChou · 13/12/2016 15:16

Hi OP,
I really, really wish I had people to advise me against giving my DS his dad's surname. We were together at the time but split when DS was 4. Since then he has been a totally useless dad (complete other thread) and whenever I think of his surname I feel angry as, to me, he doesn't deserve it.
Stick to your guns on this one!!

florascotianew · 13/12/2016 15:36

I agree with Irregular on page 1 of this thread, and with many other posters. Your surname, or double-barrelled, unless you do marry him.

Someone up-thread mentioned the 'Middle Ages'. As a matter of fact, surnames were not used in the early Middle Ages (before around AD 1066) , and it was by no means the universal custom for women to take their husband's surname until around AD 1500-1600 in England. In other words, it's a relatively recent custom, and was always challenged - for example by famous feminist Mary Wollstonecraft. Very interesting article about all this here:
www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-29804450

In Scotland, until the start of government-organised registration of births, marriages and deaths (mid 19th cent) women kept their family surname regardless of marital status. They were known as (eg) 'Mary MacLeod the wife of John Campbell'. Some Scottish women continued with this custom long after the start of official registration, while others called themselves by their own and their husband's surnames - eg 'Mary MacLeod Campbell'. Very similar to modern double-barrelling.

Beebeeeight · 13/12/2016 18:47

If a dad can't be arsed to go to court to get prr he isn't much of a father.

Let him do the legwork.

StripedTulip · 13/12/2016 18:59

You say it's "just" the surname issue. But that seems symbolic of his attitude to you and your family life. He has to assert his dominance.

I'd not only not marry him, I'd be considering my future with him. This is a huge flapping red flag, IMHO.

CeciCC · 13/12/2016 20:57

Thanks for the history lesson , but it is still an old tradition.
I kept my surname when I married and our DDs have our both surnames. I just can't understand why Children should just hsve father's surname, being the parents married or not.

SquedgieBeckenheim · 13/12/2016 21:03

If I weren't married to the babies father there is no way I would just give them the paternal surname! It would be mine or double-barrelled.
I don't get his issue with double-barrelling, it's becoming more and more common. His surname is still in there...

eyespydreams · 14/12/2016 16:15

As people say, if you're not married, you have all the power, the decision is yours. That may well mean you double barrell (or even both with no hyphen), as after all why shouldn't child have both names, but I hate these threads where men have bullied so long that OP thinks he won't LET her... in the hospital for starters it will be 'baby OP' then YOU can decide what you would like your child to be called and since he's been such a twunt re marriage/name-changing then he can beg you for the privilege of having his name attached if he likes . That should put things into perspective for him.

IssyStark · 14/12/2016 16:34

I'm one of those who has kept her surname on marriage (never an issue with us, DH has always said he fell in love with me as IssyStark and would happily marry me as IssyStark and stay married to me as IssyStark.). Kids are double barrelled.

OP: your name or double barrel. I am concerned that he doesn't want to marry solely over the surname issue: rings alarm bells that he isn't interested in a partnership at all.

florascotianew · 14/12/2016 16:53

Very sorry, Ceci , I didn't mean to sound critical or preachy and I know that you were using 'middle ages' figuratively rather than literally. But some people - not just on Mumsnet - seem to assume that the custom of married women taking their husband's name is 'how it's always been'; I just wanted to point out that view was not accurate.

CeciCC · 14/12/2016 16:59

No offense taken. I love history so I didn't mind learning something new.

Ginmakesitallok · 14/12/2016 17:17

DP and I aren't married - our dc have his surname and I really don't see the issue? It's never caused us any issues - it's just a name fgs!

EvenTheWind · 14/12/2016 17:20

But it is an issue for OP because it isn't what she wants, gin.

Your children are hereafter to have the surname Wind. Don't like that idea. Why not? It's just a name, fgs.

HeCantBeSerious · 14/12/2016 17:26

i have to wonder at all these people on this thread who presumably kept their own names, because I didn't meet many who had.

Not many do, but it's a growing number.

For some reason, the majority of women either have hideous surnames or think the mysogeny of yesteryear is worth keeping as a "tradition".

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