Using DSD's middle name as first name for baby

[Thomasina76]

Only hypothetical but DH and I are TTC and talking about possible baby names. The only girls' names I have ever liked are Emilia and Clara, with Clara being my favourite. Unfortunately, Klara is his 14 year old daughter's middle name so he won't let me use it. I sort of agree but, on the other hand, middle names are used so infrequently that I am not sure how much of a big deal it would be. Her first name is Emma so Emilia is also out. Just means we'll have to go with a name I'm not mad on if it's a girl. Such as shame as I alwasy wanted a girl I could call Clara. DS would have been Clara if he's been a girl.

DD is your DSD's age and has two half-sisters. She says she wouldn't mind the situation you describe. She also loves her half-sisters and if she feels replaced, she does a good job of hiding it. Her SM was OW and her oldest sister was conceived when we were still married. I think the situation is more complex than names.

I know a family where the teenaged siblings names were amalgamated for the DSD... eg Paul, Collette and Paulette. Not that but just as obvious. The boy didn't care and the girl threw a blue fit so I suppose it depends on the individual child. The DSD didnt like it much either

It's totally pointless speculating IMO. She might "not give a shiny shit" (as a pp so succinctly put it), or she might hate it. The point is, her dad doesn't want to use it. Unless there's some massively back story I have no idea why the OP is questioning his motives. Does she think he's just blocking the name she loves to be a big bastard? I'm totally confused.

Anyway, I wish you luck with TTC OP and hope you manage to find a name you love in the case that you do end up with a girl.

Sorry "she"^ means the DSD.

OP, I know a lot has been discussed since your original post but I just wanted to add my 2 pence based on your original question alone.

I am the middle child of three girls. My older sister is called Louise and my middle name is Louise. When I asked my mum why she did that she said she just really liked the name Louise and thought it was nice to link me to my sister in that way too. It's never been an issue for me/ Louise, but it does make people go when they ask about our names

Also, the only thing I don't like about this set up is that my little sisters middle name isn't the same as mine! Mum said Louise could pick her middle name and she randomly picked Joanne over my name - charming! lol. She was 7 at the time though so i'll let her off

I think if you discussed it with him and your step daughter and they were both okay with it there'd be no problem in using at all. Middle names are used so infrequently and he obviously likes the name to have used it as part of hers in the first place.

It's definitely worth discussing, I'm surprised people are saying you shouldn't use it!

I don't think DH is being deliberately obstructive and I had accepted his position not to use it but wanted to get views on whether his position is completely reasonable or if he is being a bit precious. Given that he doesn't want to use it, we won't as we need to have a name we are both happy with, BUT, part of me thinks he is being a tiny bit precious. If he loved one of my DS's middle name and it was the name he always wanted to call his son then, if DS was happy, I don't think I would object. Middle names just don't get used! I don't think he/people in general have much of a sense of identity with their second name alone. I certainly don't identify with my second name at all - if someone else is called it, I don't think, oh, that's my name. I was curious to know what the general feeling on middle names was. Had everyone said, DH is being a bit precious, it's only a middle name, if DSD doesn't mind then go for it, etc, I might have tried harder to persuade DH although I suspect he wouldn't budge anyway. Just lots of annoying hysteria on here and outrage on behalf of DSD who I don't think would be bothered for a minute.

I think his DSD's middle name was suggested by his ex-wife although I'm sure DH liked it.

And what exactly is this if not hysteria:

Obviously it would be extremely cuntish to use one of your DSD's names for your not yet existent daughter. If you need that spelling out for you, ok , but do not call it 'hysteria'.

Cuntish? Seriously? Do you use that word a lot?

yes i do if it suits the situation...:)

no it is not 'hysteria' it is opinion. You asked, love.

BratFarrarsPony, do you call people "cuntish" in real life? Just trying to work out why you feel it's appropriate to jump on a thread and call someeone you don't know "cuntish." Can you explain?

And if you read the thread, BratFarrarsPony, you might see that there are a number of other posters who don't necessarily share your view and don't think it's "cuntish" to consider using DSD's middle name for a new daughter.

I use the word cuntish IRL... is that meant to be bad?

Anyway, I agree op that some of the opinions on this thread have been a bit too strong. There's nothing wrong with using the name hypothetically, but it depends on so many things; you have to conceive a girl, your DH has to love the name and want to use it, your DSD has to genuinely not mind you using it. If all of those things happen then ignore the negative posts on here.

Don't let MN wind you up too much - it's not always to be taken too seriously on here. Sounds like you've be been burnt here before. It isn't a terribly sensitive place is it? I have to stop myself posting sometimes for my own sanity! Any thread which deals with something I feel too sensitive about, I have to avoid even reading the thread.

Thanks Clingy. It just amazes me how rude and aggressive people are, often for no reason, and even more often in an online or cyber environment when it's easier to get away with it. Sorry, but I will call it out. People should think before they post. Most people don't go around calling each other cuntish IRL so why on here?

Maybe you should think before you ask silly questions.
Of all the thousands and thousands of girls' names available to you, you have fixated on those that already belong to your stepdaughter.
Why is that, do you think?

...and then when you are 'called out' on it, you dismiss the answers as 'hysteria'...

If I were your DSD then I'd be thrilled to have a baby named after me but obviously can't speak for your DSD (she can though!). If I were your DH then I would want to choose a different name together. Is it possible he sees Clara as a name chosen with his ex and his association is with that (not in a bad way)?
I think you're right to park the issue. When your hypothetical DD arrives she may look nothing like a 'Clara' anyway!

Are you quite sure that you're keeping everything in balance?

I'm told that trying to conceive is stressful. I also know from my own experience - as many others do here - that making 'blended families work takes a lot of effort.

Unless you opt to be a single parent from the outset, you can't really do parenthood just the way you want to. You need to take your partner's feelings and opinions into account. I think when the partner has children from a previous relationship, respect for and understanding of those parent-child relationships is also pretty important

As is always the case, you've been offered a wide range of opinions.

Some of them seem to be upsetting you.

But underneath it all there seems to be an almost infantile rage about not being able to do exactly what you want. A kind of 'IT'S NOT FAIR.'

I hope that if you do get pregnant it all goes a bit more smoothly. Because at the moment you seem to be having a meltdown about a purely hypothetical child. Which doesn't bode well.

Hostofdaffodils, explain to me how this is infantile rage:

I don't think DH is being deliberately obstructive and I had accepted his position not to use it but wanted to get views on whether his position is completely reasonable or if he is being a bit precious. Given that he doesn't want to use it, we won't as we need to have a name we are both happy with, BUT, part of me thinks he is being a tiny bit precious. If he loved one of my DS's middle name and it was the name he always wanted to call his son then, if DS was happy, I don't think I would object. Middle names just don't get used! I don't think he/people in general have much of a sense of identity with their second name alone. I certainly don't identify with my second name at all - if someone else is called it, I don't think, oh, that's my name. I was curious to know what the general feeling on middle names was. Had everyone said, DH is being a bit precious, it's only a middle name, if DSD doesn't mind then go for it, etc, I might have tried harder to persuade DH although I suspect he wouldn't budge anyway. Just lots of annoying hysteria on here and outrage on behalf of DSD who I don't think would be bothered for a minute.

Is this post not ALL about how I AM taking his wishes into account and that we agreed not to use the name? Did you miss that part?

And I think you will note that I am not "having a meltdown" as you call it, about "not being able to do exactly as I want" but about being called "cuntish". If you take the trouble to read the thread then I think you'll see I've been receptive to those who have said don't and even agreed with them.

And yes, I have a full time professional job, 2 kids, 2 steps kids, a difficult ex and am the main breadwinner. I would say I'm an expert at keeping things in balance. And I don't usually resort to calling people "cuntish".

Oh yes, and I am currently underdoing fertility treatment - forgot to add that.

Sorry you are still getting stick , OP!

I'd hide this now and continue looking for inspiration for names, good luck with the treatment.

If your DH had always liked the name Jack, and your son was called Thomas Jack, then your DH would now have a son (stepson) with that name, just like you now have a daughter (stepdaughter) with the names you like.
If you wouldn't repeat a name across your biological children then you can't ask DH to repeat a name across his. And even if you think you would be happy to have children called Emma Klara and Clara Emilia, your DH would not so you have to let it go. He's not unreasonable or precious in this.