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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Arguments with dp over names and surnames

89 replies

Bellabutterfly2014 · 27/09/2014 19:57

Hey everyone, so as we are about to tune into the evening of x-factor and strictly (one sky plus'ing) my partner has said I am taking over with the name choosing just as his ex did which has upset me.

Firstly, as we are not married I said the baby should have my surname as being the primary carer I would be doing the majority of docs & dental appointments and school runs plus if he wants me and the child he can always put a ring on it!!!

Then just because my mum and I were discussing names he thinks I am taking over however part if me does think that if I have to be pregnant for 9 months then I should get the final decision, with his ideas considered.

Do people think that I am being in-reasonable????

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Original poster

Bellabutterfly2014 · 27/09/2014 19:58

Sorry I'm on one! He's really wound me up!

OP posts:

Whereisegg · 27/09/2014 19:59

Personally I wouldn't compromise on the surname, but the first name you should agree on.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 27/09/2014 20:09

I think you have an absolute right to insist the child has your surname. Why shouldn't he/ she? However I think you should equally be happy with the first name, so you don't get to pick something he's meh about just because you love it. You both need to love it.

Bowlersarm · 27/09/2014 20:13

You shouldn't get the final decision over the first name. That's incredibly unfair. It's not as if he can go through the 9 months of pregnancy himself, even if he wants to. But it's still his child and he deserves 50% of the name decision, along with you.

Yama · 27/09/2014 20:16

Baby should have your surname.

You should both agree on first name.

And this putting a ring on it nonsense really demeans women by the way. Like you are his for the take if he should so wish. Marriage wise.

whycantifindaname · 27/09/2014 20:19

I agree. Surname should be yours, but reach agreement on first name. Also, middle name can be a family name of his if bub is having your surname.

You two need to sort your communication out. This is the first of MANY parenting decisions you will be making together. You need to learn to work together. No blaming you for being "like the ex". Even if you are that's his tough crap for choosing someone just like his last partner. No running off to the Internet to validate your side of the argument. Just talk to your partner and reach agreements and compromises.

Yama · 27/09/2014 20:22

Yes, next time he says you are just like his ex, point out that he is the common denominator.

ByTheWishingWell · 27/09/2014 20:28

I agree that the surname should be yours, but you both need to agree on a first name.

DD has my surname- we disagreed about it when I was pregnant, and I would have put my foot down and just insisted, but DP eventually backed down. I suggested that he choose the middle name, maybe using a name from his family, which he did.

We both vetoed each other's first (and second and third and fourth) choices for both boys and girls first names, but worked our way down very long lists and eventually settled on something we both really liked.

ByTheWishingWell · 27/09/2014 20:29

And if you want to marry him- propose! (Still doesn't mean you need to change your name though...)

Racheyg · 27/09/2014 22:08

Me and my partner are not married and I would never have though that its my final choice for our childs first name. Men do not have the choice of being able to be pregnant so its very unfair to suggest that you get the final decision as you are the pregnant one.

At the end of the day how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Can you not double barrel? or have his surname as your baby's middle name.

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 27/09/2014 22:13

Your surname but you should agree on first name rather than just "consider" his ideas (unless he's being completely unreasonable and digging his heels in).

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 27/09/2014 22:21

Well, having a different surname to your DC really doesn't make any difference WRT school, doctors etc, they are very accustomed to it nowadays. You could argue that as you get to be the main carer it would be a generous thing to let them have his surname. There's no real right or wrong about it. You must choose a first name that you both agree on though, there is no need for one person's wish to override the others on this.

Gemerama82 · 27/09/2014 22:41

I agree baby should have your surname unless he marries you and I also agree you should get the final say on a name as you're carrying the baby and giving birth. That's not to say his opinion isn't important, I just agree with you that your opinion carries a little more weight.

Gemerama82 · 27/09/2014 22:44

E.g if you both like the names John and James but he prefers John and you prefer James, then James wins.

beavington · 27/09/2014 22:49

Why do posters think its a given that child should have same surname as mother? If you are partners then I think it should be discussed just like the first name should be. Its equally as bad as just automatically giving the baby the fathers name was years ago.

Gemerama82 · 27/09/2014 22:53

I want the same last name as my child, so if the father wasn't prepared to marry me, the baby would have my surname.

BuggersMuddle · 28/09/2014 01:14

Surname thing seems eminently sensible. First name, give you're a couple should surely be agreed between you.

squoosh · 28/09/2014 02:29

I'm always amazed by the amount of couples who give their baby the father's surname as a matter of course. I would always give the baby both surnames whether I was married or not. The mother's heritage is as important as the father's.

When it comes to the first name you just need to start looking a bit harder to find a name you both love. It's out there.

(he also needs to sort out his ex issues)

Original poster

Bellabutterfly2014 · 28/09/2014 07:36

Gemerama82 I completely agree and I am going to stick to my guns on this . Plus my brother is unlikely to have children and therefore I want to carry my family name, furthermore he doesn't speak to his Mum and Dad anyway and they have a large family with lots if cousins all of course carrying the family name.
In terms of first names he has said that he wants to name baby after his Grandparents both of which names I'm not 100% sure on and I don't see why I should compromise on it. Eg baby girl after grandma boy after grandpa.

As for double-barrelled the names don't go together and I always think that would be hard for the baby when they are at school learning to spell.

Yes to say me can't do the pregnancy is true but as I've just told him this would be my reward for carrying the baby for 9 months!

OP posts:

Gemerama82 · 28/09/2014 08:06

I'm with you butterfly. Although maybe you could use his grandmother or grandfathers name as middle name? Seems like a good compromise to me.

Thurlow · 28/09/2014 08:17

Racheyg - Men do not have the choice of being able to be pregnant so its very unfair to suggest that you get the final decision as you are the pregnant one.

I can't agree with this more. Men aren't not being the ones who are pregnant by choice so that's an unfair card to play, really.

Equally being the primary carer for a child with a different surname to you causes no problems at all.

Equally the assumption that an unmarried couple are more likely to break up and hence the woman will become a lone parent is... charming.

Having said that, it is still a big decision deciding which surname to use, if you and you're partner don't have the same surname. The only straight-forward answer is to double barrel, but clearly not all names sound ok together.

You both have a right to have your surname there. At the very least I would put his as a middle name, if you are going with your name.

Bowlersarm · 28/09/2014 08:56

Your reward for being pregnant for 9 months is a lovely baby at the end appeal of it. That doesn't give you the right to chose the first name.

Equally he doesn't have the right to call him/her after his grandparents, no right at all.

You have to come to a compromise you are both happy with.

Bowlersarm · 28/09/2014 08:58

Ignore 'appeal' that's not supposed to be there.

TessOfTheFurbyvilles · 28/09/2014 09:45

I have always found the "I have carried the baby for 9 months, and given birth to him/her, so I get final say on the name argument" argument really childish. And pathetic. And selfish.

It's punishing the partner for something he has no control over.

Your baby is biologically half his, you wouldn't be pregnant without him, just remember that.

Stick to your guns on the surname, but don't be so bloody selfish over the first name.

NB: your "reward" at the end, is the life you've brought into the world, not naming rights.

Gemerama82 · 28/09/2014 10:11

I suppose it's a matter of opinion. I think it's perfectly reasonable to have final say on the name as the one that carries the baby and gives birth. I don't agree that it is pathetic, selfish or childish. Obviously she's not going to go with a name he doesn't like.

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