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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Arguments with dp over names and surnames

89 replies

Bellabutterfly2014 · 27/09/2014 19:57

Hey everyone, so as we are about to tune into the evening of x-factor and strictly (one sky plus'ing) my partner has said I am taking over with the name choosing just as his ex did which has upset me.

Firstly, as we are not married I said the baby should have my surname as being the primary carer I would be doing the majority of docs & dental appointments and school runs plus if he wants me and the child he can always put a ring on it!!!

Then just because my mum and I were discussing names he thinks I am taking over however part if me does think that if I have to be pregnant for 9 months then I should get the final decision, with his ideas considered.

Do people think that I am being in-reasonable????

OP posts:

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Gemerama82 · 29/09/2014 17:12

Seems it's expected for the mother to bend over backwards to please the father but if she wants to use her own name that's seen as bribery or black mail. Interesting double standards!

I get the impression op would like to marry her oh, but he's not amenable to that at the moment. In her situation I would 100 per cent be calling the shots on names. I have a friend in a similar position, always maintained she didn't want to get married, but quietly hoped her oh would do the decent thing. Her dd is now 3 and still no sign of a ring and she hates that her child has a different surname to her. Would massively piss me off too.

beavington · 29/09/2014 20:31

I think were still talking about different things tbh tortoise. You are talking about a very specific scenario which OP has not actually stated to be the case. I was really responding to all the posters saying things along the lines of 'of course the babys surname will be yours, its a given!' As though it is not something to be discussed between partners.

beavington · 29/09/2014 20:34

gemerama no one has said woman has to bend over backwards to please male. Just that in an equal relationship all aspects of a dc should be discussed between equal partners. Not all of this well my rights trump yours so there.

beavington · 29/09/2014 20:40

Oh and why would you be angry if you fell pregnant and your partner didnt propose? Procreation does not oblige you to marry. If a person wants the stability of marriage then they should maybe propose themselves and go ahead with it or form new relationship etc. But getting pregnant is not a precursor to marriage!

Then even if you are angry and resentful because you are pregnant and the unspoken pact that you had invented has been broken, then claiming naming rights to the child is just a ridiculous reaction.

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 29/09/2014 20:59

"You are talking about a very specific scenario which OP has not actually stated to be the case."

Yes, because OP is long gone and we are talking more generally.

beavington said "I think there are two different conversations taking place here though. One where female wants to marry and male does not hence talk of if male wants childs name then they should marry[...]"

OwlCapone quoted that and said "So, blackmail?"

and my post was clearly in direct response to that (so specifically discussing the situation "where female wants to marry and male does not").

Gemerama82 · 29/09/2014 22:34

We'll just have to agree to disagree beavington. Yes, I'd be very angry if I had fallen pregnant and my oh didn't propose. It's entirely hypothetical in my case anyway because I am married.

Gemerama82 · 29/09/2014 22:37

It boils down to how you feel about marriage I think. I know it's unimportant to many people, I can understand that. However it's extremely important to me and my dh and our families.

Blondiemama · 30/09/2014 06:46

Baby will automatically be given mother's surname at the hospital. I know this because I hadn't changed my surname since getting married and DS had my surname on his wrist bands.

He has DHs surname but I chose middle name (family name) and will do the same if we have another. DH was happy with this arrangement. Funnily enough I chose not to change my surname and it makes no difference although does confuse some of the older generation a bit.

I think it's really important you 100% agree and love first name. Let OH have the middle name that he wants if you don't hate it and are ok with it and then that seems like a good compromise to me.

Eminybob · 30/09/2014 07:05

I don't actually think that the surname matters a huge amount. DS has dp's surname (and his middle name as a first name as it happens so I guess I really dropped the ball there!) and it hasn't caused us any problems this far (only 11 weeks in though so not much experience)

Eminybob · 30/09/2014 07:18

Sorry, posted too soon. What I was going to say is that we were both 100% in agreement about all 3 names in the end, which is important.

Obviously you may both have different opinions on surname, so I believe you have the right to decide, but you must both be equally happy with first names.

It doesn't sound like you have much of a partnership with the father of your baby to be honest, I get the impression that you very much feel this is your baby, rather than both of yours.

YonicScrewdriver · 30/09/2014 07:32

Eminy, I get the impression her DP feels it's very much his baby ie wanting to name after his GPs even though OP doesn't love their names.

Eminybob · 30/09/2014 07:36

Exactly, they both have different agendas. They need to work as a partnership otherwise it won't bode well for the rest of their child's upbringing.

Mammanat222 · 30/09/2014 11:09

Personally I decided to give child OH's name.

We never plan to marry but he is never not going to be my sons father?

Maybe our stance on marriage makes us feel very differently (IE we know its not for us as opposed to one of us wanting it and the other not) but I never had any strong feelings that baby should have my name? I wanted him to have his Dad's name.

Thurlow · 30/09/2014 11:16

I get the impression that you very much feel this is your baby, rather than both of yours.

This is a valid point. I imagine some mother's do feel like this, more than this is our baby. It's certainly going to colour their opinion on naming the baby if they don't share a surname with the father.

Mamma, I felt the same as you. To me a name is a name, and I never felt that my DC needed to share a name with me. DP felt stronger about this issue - he wanted to share a name with his DC, I didn't, and so I was happy for them to take his surname not mine. I see a person's name as individual or unique, really; it's their name, it's not half my name. Not sure if I've expressed that properly! But I think we are well in the minority for not minding.

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