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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Arguments with dp over names and surnames

89 replies

Bellabutterfly2014 · 27/09/2014 19:57

Hey everyone, so as we are about to tune into the evening of x-factor and strictly (one sky plus'ing) my partner has said I am taking over with the name choosing just as his ex did which has upset me.

Firstly, as we are not married I said the baby should have my surname as being the primary carer I would be doing the majority of docs & dental appointments and school runs plus if he wants me and the child he can always put a ring on it!!!

Then just because my mum and I were discussing names he thinks I am taking over however part if me does think that if I have to be pregnant for 9 months then I should get the final decision, with his ideas considered.

Do people think that I am being in-reasonable????

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Gemerama82 · 28/09/2014 10:15

Have you not discussed baby names before op? Dh and I have 2 or 3 favoured girls and boys names that we agree on. There are also ones he loves that I hate and vice versa, so we've taken them off the table.

YonicScrewdriver · 28/09/2014 10:18

But it doesn't sound like DP is saying "well we both love John and James but I prefer John and you prefer James, so what should we do?"

It sounds like he's saying "I want to call our child Jean Smith after my grandma or John Smith after my grandad and I don't care that you don't love Jean or John."

Gemerama82 · 28/09/2014 10:18

We also have agreed that a girl will have my mother and grandmother's names as middle names and a boy would have his dad and grandfather's names as middle names. We are terribly organised for people that aren't yet pregnant

ohmychrist · 28/09/2014 10:19

Why mention what you're watching on tv?!

YonicScrewdriver · 28/09/2014 10:19

He could of course change his surname to yours?

Gemerama82 · 28/09/2014 10:20

Agreed yonic. It does sound like that. Which would make me dig my heels in just like butterfly.

Gemerama82 · 28/09/2014 10:22

I assume that she was setting the scene. I.e. that they were settling down for the evening and he has suddenly come out with this and they ended up arguing.

stripedtortoise · 28/09/2014 10:33

You both need to agree on a first name. The reason 'you're the one who carries it for 9 months' is because he can't actually do that, no?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 28/09/2014 10:33

Agree with Yonic. It needs to be names that you both love. (Or at least really like.)

You both have the power of veto.

Before we had the kids I had a boys name and a girls name I loved and dh didn't like either of them so they got vetoed.

With dd there was another name I loved and dh really liked a variant of it so we went with that.

With ds there was one name I loved and he liked and another that he loved and I liked. So we waited until ds was born and he looked a lot more like dh's name. So we went with that. In a way I regret it as it is a very "safe" name - everyone likes it, it is very classical, I'm willing to bet there was one in your class at school etc and I do think that we were a bit cowardly to use it rather than my slightly more controversial choice. But on the other hand it is a lovely name, it really suits him and dh loves it so it was the right choice.

beavington · 28/09/2014 12:47

I agree that mother's heritage is equally as important as the father's. But unless you're going to give dc both family names then I don't see why it isn't open to discuss over which surname to use. I cant imagine being in an equal relationship with someone and behaving like only my thoughts mattered with regard to naming our child.

IMO there is no stigma anymore with dc sharing different name to df or dm so I dont see why in a good relationship you wouldnt discuss these things fairly. It seems selfish not to.

I know I'm going on about surname here which isnt part of your aibu so i agree with others that pregnancy doesnt give you naming rights and you should try to find a name you both love.

Castlemilk · 28/09/2014 13:11

Surname you should not compromise on.

Perhaps if he's unhappy about his surname not being used, he should get first choice with middle name - the choice to use either grandparent's name perhaps.

First name - you both need to love it. So that means COMPROMISE COMPROMISE on both sides. Lists of top ten names for you both, crossing off ones you hate from each others' lists. That kind of thing.

But the surname - no. That's up to you.

TessOfTheFurbyvilles · 28/09/2014 13:40

If the DP is saying, "I want the child name after my grandmother or grandfather," and the OP doesn't, then yes of course she needs to say she doesn't want to.

But I'm sorry, I do find it pathetic/childish/selfish for her, or any woman, to say she should be entitled to the final decision on the name.

It should be a joint decision, a compromise, and I'm glad I love and respect my husband enough to have done just that with him four times, rther successfully. (My first child, I did name alone, but that's because the biological father was never involved in the child's life).

I can't imagine being so self-centered, that I would punish my husband because biologically I'm able to do something he can't do, through accident of birth alone.

Gemerama82 · 28/09/2014 13:44

Lol, it's hardly a punishment! I think it really does depend on how you look at it.

flowerygirl · 28/09/2014 14:28

I don't think you're being selfish/childish by getting final say. I'd hope if it was the other way round and he was the one giving birth you'd be understanding about his wishes? Woman are usually the ones 'holding the baby' so to speak so should get most of the say.

I know this is harsh, but until he proposes, give the baby your name.

Are there legal issues if the baby has the Dad's surname should things not work out? I'm not sure what they are but I remember a friend mentioning them. Think it was with regards to financial support?

OwlCapone · 28/09/2014 14:34

I think you have an absolute right to insist the child has your surname.

No she doesn't. The fathers opinions and name are of equal importance. This also goes for the first names too. You both need to agree on the baby's whole mane. Anything else is unfair.

OwlCapone · 28/09/2014 14:34

Name, not mane :)

Thurlow · 28/09/2014 14:34

There's no legal issues nowadays to do with DC - as long as a man is on the birth.certificate. Just the legal issues to do with not being married re financial support

OwlCapone · 28/09/2014 14:35

But the surname - no. That's up to you

Utter nonsense.

Username12345 · 28/09/2014 14:37

You could double-barrel the surnames?

flowerygirl · 28/09/2014 14:41

Thanks Thurlow, couldn't remember what it was :)

I realise saying 'Mothers are left holding the baby' is very old fashioned and isn't an equal way of looking at parenting. It's just that I know plenty of people who have had babies with their partners, split up, Dad is off the scene and the child still has the Dad's surname. Not fair imho, should be honoured with Mother's surname.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 28/09/2014 14:46

What if you give the baby your surname and then get married? Would you change both your surnames? Or keep them as they are. If marriage and you changing your name is on the cards then it makes sense to give the baby his surname in the first place.

I think the opposite flowerygirl - in the event of a split it's likely that the mother will be the resident parent and have far more time with the children, so it redresses the balance a bit if they share a surname with their father.

squoosh · 28/09/2014 14:49

I think it's only sensible for a child to share a surname with the resident parent, which is usually the mother. They may well have the father's surname too but they should definitely have the mother's.

Thurlow · 28/09/2014 14:52

The thing is, a question like this on a public forum is never going to get a.straightforward answer because different people have different concerns. Some people feel very strongly that they want to share a surname, others don't. You have to talk as a couple and find what you agree on and reach a compromise.

There's going to be a hell of lot of joint decisions to make in the future so see this as the first test of how you come together as a.couple, as a partnership, to make decisions for your DC.

flowerygirl · 28/09/2014 14:56

Yeah that's a good point WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes, I hadn't thought of it like that.

My unmarried friend has a child that she has given her Mum's surname (the child's grandmother). The child's Mum has her Dad's surname as her Mum and Dad have divorced. So the child doesn't have the same surname as either his Mum or Dad. Doesn't make any sense!

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 28/09/2014 15:11

I can see it your way too flowery - everyone's circumstances are different. We gave the DCs DH's surname because I was going to be the main carer and felt it gave him a bit of the closeness that a mother gets naturally by carrying the baby, giving birth, having maternity leave and in most cases being the main carer. It seemed only fair. If he ever clears off surnames will probably be the least of my concerns. I have no issue at all with having a different surname to the DCs. But I know many do.

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