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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Would you agree to a middle name you hated if it mattered to your DP?

52 replies

jessjessjess · 01/01/2013 16:40

We're TTC our first child so this is purely hypothetical, but it's bothering me and to be honest I'd like to figure it out before my hormones go haywire. If we have a son, DH wants his grandad's name as a middle name. Lovely idea, but I hate the name. It's quite old-fashioned, and I just think it's horrible, it's not a name I would ever choose.

DH wants this name so badly, he'll agree to a first name he dislikes in return. But I dislike it too much to use, end of.

I know some people will say it's selfish to refuse, just use it as a middle name, who cares about those. But I can't imagine giving my child any name if I don't like it.

I don't really like my first name (which isn't Jess, it's something far more ugly). I dropped a really awful middle name which came from a relative (let's just say it was the name of the witch in Willo the Wisp). I tried to keep that quiet to avoid merciless teasing but my dad used to randomly tell people about it.

Some people will think I'm horribly selfish, and should just let DH have it as a middle name. But names are a really big deal to me because I hate mine - I don't want to hate my child's name as well.

And obviously I'm not pregnant, and might never have a boy anyway, but it's just taking the fun and excitement out of the whole thing. I've always been excited about choosing my children's names one day, and figured we'd choose names we both liked.

I can live with the fact that DH has vetoed a lot of the names I like, as I've vetoed a lot of his suggestions too. But is it really horribly selfish if I refuse to agree to a middle name that has huge sentimental value - because I don't like it?

DH has said we can drop it if I really don't like it, but I know he badly wants it, and I know this will upset him, so maybe I'm being ridiculous? But I'll be upet if I have to spend years feeling ashamed to tell people my child's full name because I can't stand it. What would you do?

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canoodle · 01/01/2013 16:45

I'd say 'oh no, you can't have that name because I hate it'. Simple! DP and I both had right of veto over all names - it meant that I couldn't have a lot of names I really really loved and vice versa. And I couldn't have a lot of names (including my all-time favourite) because his surname didn't go with them. And I couldn't have a name that belonged to his ex-Sil.

Your baby's name is a snapshot of you and your partner at that particular time. If your dp had a baby with someone else, he may well be able to use his family name.. but he is (hopefully) having a baby with you. Therefore your wishes have to come into account.

I love my dds' names btw!

Original poster

jessjessjess · 01/01/2013 16:54

Thanks for your reply. I honestly expected to be told: don't be so selfish, let him have it!

I can live with him vetoing loads of names I love, but not if I have to agree to one I don't like...

OP posts:

lovethesun1 · 01/01/2013 16:56

Honestly? I do think you're being mean if he wants the name that much. It is obviously important to him & being a middle name,not one many other people are likely to hear often any way. Not sure I would be getting too stressed about it until you're in the position of having to decide though. Could you have 2 middle names?

AmandaPayne · 01/01/2013 16:59

Honestly, I think you are being a bit mean if it is a name with huge meaning to him, not just a name he likes. I would agree, but only with two middle names.

Hassled · 01/01/2013 17:00

What was his Grandad's middle name? Would that work?

Meglet · 01/01/2013 17:01

Sadly I had to as XP kicked off. XP wanted to use his Dad's name for DS's middle name, his dad is a cock.

Poor DS is forever lumbered with it. I immediately gave him a second middle name to take away the horror of the other one!

HoratiaWinwood · 01/01/2013 17:02

I agreed to a middle name that really doesn't "go" in order to honour a much-loved relation of DH's who had died a few days before. The non-flow annoys me every time I think of it, but I firmly believe that that is what middle names are for.

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 01/01/2013 17:02

I think you are mean too. First names you both have to agree on but middle names should be about compromise. I would have been devastated if dh had said no to using a family name because it meant a lot to me to remember that family member (my dh hates the name).

I also think its nice to have that family link.

To compromise, can you pick another f his granddad names?

HoratiaWinwood · 01/01/2013 17:02

Oh yes, and like pps it was only a second middle name.

Original poster

jessjessjess · 01/01/2013 17:05

We are planning to have two middle names either way. Will find out if his grandad had one.

I suppose I have a different view on what middle names are for, because I think it's still important to like the ones you choose.

Will investigate re grandad's middle names etc.

I feel like crying every time I imagine having to tell people that I have a child and this is part of his name. That's how much I hate it.

OP posts:

AmandaPayne · 01/01/2013 17:09

Do you want to share what it is? Is it really that awful?

What was his grandfather's surname too? If it was different from your DH's own (maternal grandfather, or paternal surname not passed down at some point) that might be a possibility?

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 01/01/2013 17:15

Is there a reason you hate the name? I find it difficult to understand how you could hate a name so much unless you had a personal reason.

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 01/01/2013 17:16

Also, you hate your name but your parents obviously love your names. Bear in mind whatever you choose and love, your child might hate!!

PetiteRaleuse · 01/01/2013 17:19

Yes, and have done so with both DDs. The names are their second middle names. We both agreed on the first and second names.

canoodle · 01/01/2013 17:19

You should have stopped reading after I posted! I love my dds middle names almost as much as their first names. Would never have given them a horrific one to commemorate someone. I wanted to honour mydad who had a first and second name he hated. We found a way of doing it and she has a beautiful and meaningful name.

I would just decide that this is non-negotiable even if half of mumsnet and your dp thiink you are mean!

Original poster

jessjessjess · 01/01/2013 17:23

AmandaPayne I'm not sharing purely because I worry someone I know in real life might recognise me. Surname is an interesting idea, but it was the same as DH's.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Really? You can't imagine hating a name just because of the way it sounds? I just think it's old-fashioned and hideous. And would like to pick names I actually like, not just that I can tolerate at best. I realise my kids might hate them, but at least I won't.

This thread made me realise how upset I was, so I talked to DH, and he says it's fine if we don't use it.

Intrigued by the responses though. Do you really all not have any names you dislike? Really?

OP posts:

MadameJosephine · 01/01/2013 17:28

I've given both my DC middle names which were very important to their fathers. I wasn't keen on either of them (franklin and Sidney) but they have grown on me over time. I did get to choose both DC's first names in exchange to allowing the middle names which were much more important to me.
The difference is that, while I wasn't keen, I didn't hate them though and if you feel that strongly then maybe a compromise needs to be made, did grandad have a nickname? Could a shortened version be used? Could a feminine version be used for a future DD? I say this as Sidney is my DD's middle name, I could live with it for a girl but really didn't like it for a boy.
Are you prepared to give us an idea of what the name is and maybe we could make some suggestions?

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 01/01/2013 17:29

There are lots of names I dislike but none I hate with such a passion. Except the name of the girl who bullied me at school, but that's a personal reason

HoratiaWinwood · 01/01/2013 17:48

I don't think it's mean to have reservations about using a genuinely horrible name, but I do think it's important to honour whoever it is - either by using a middle name to mask it, or the loved one's middle name, or some other significant name. Some of the solutions offered upthread are very sensible.

Most of my friends don't know what my DCs' middle names are, for what it's worth. And when one does introduce a child by its full name, one tends to tell the story - "this is Clare Euphemia Bertha - her middle names are after her two grandmothers" - so nobody assumes you like the names in their own right!

And he will like the name despite its ugliness, precisely because of the family associations.

DontmindifIdo · 01/01/2013 17:48

I would say if it means a lot to your DH, then you should have it as a middle name, it's not just a name, it will be part of this boy's heritage. It's not their first name (I really don't know the middle names of most of my friends, the only ones I do know it's because I've been to their weddings and it was stated), so it's not the 'label' they go through life with. If you really think there's a chance they would hate their first name and want to use a middle name, then a) avoid giving them an unusual first name that's risking they won't like it, and b) give a second middle name to give an option.

AmandaPayne · 01/01/2013 17:51

There are names which are not to my taste. For example, personally I am not keen on the 'surname as first name' trend. So I wouldn't be that keen if DH had been desperate to give a middle name like Madison or Taylor to either of the DDs. I wouldn't have cried at the thought of announcing the name though.

I think if you feel this strongly, you need to explore all the other options. GF's middle names, nicknames, other names which have the same meaning, etc. But personally no, there is nothing i would feel that bad about as a middle name.

I can understand you worrying the name will out you. I just thought perhaps if you announced it was, say, Arthur, and lots of people said how they like it, knew a lovely four year old with that name, etc it might give you perspective on how others see the name. As has been pointed out, you could give your child two or three names you adore and still have him/her hate it!

VerySmallSqueak · 01/01/2013 17:52

It would depend on how much I hated it and how much it mattered to him.

Not very helpful,I know.

bulletwithbutterflywings · 01/01/2013 17:56

I think it's harsh not to use it if it matters to your DH. I have a crap middle name , but it mattered to my mum to use her fathers name somewhere and it's only a middle name! No-one will ever hear it unless you tell them.

Wilts · 01/01/2013 18:01

Ds2 has a hideous middle name. It is a family name on dh's side and it was important to him that it gets passed on. It never gets used.

shesariver · 01/01/2013 18:04

Honestly middle names don't matter at all - no-one ever uses them, or calls children by them, they are a bit pointless really so if it was me I would agree if it means so much to him. You can live then with the consolation that it will just be a few letters on a birth certificate.

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