Would you agree to a middle name you hated if it mattered to your DP?

[jessjessjess]

We're TTC our first child so this is purely hypothetical, but it's bothering me and to be honest I'd like to figure it out before my hormones go haywire. If we have a son, DH wants his grandad's name as a middle name. Lovely idea, but I hate the name. It's quite old-fashioned, and I just think it's horrible, it's not a name I would ever choose.

DH wants this name so badly, he'll agree to a first name he dislikes in return. But I dislike it too much to use, end of.

I know some people will say it's selfish to refuse, just use it as a middle name, who cares about those. But I can't imagine giving my child any name if I don't like it.

I don't really like my first name (which isn't Jess, it's something far more ugly). I dropped a really awful middle name which came from a relative (let's just say it was the name of the witch in Willo the Wisp). I tried to keep that quiet to avoid merciless teasing but my dad used to randomly tell people about it.

Some people will think I'm horribly selfish, and should just let DH have it as a middle name. But names are a really big deal to me because I hate mine - I don't want to hate my child's name as well.

And obviously I'm not pregnant, and might never have a boy anyway, but it's just taking the fun and excitement out of the whole thing. I've always been excited about choosing my children's names one day, and figured we'd choose names we both liked.

I can live with the fact that DH has vetoed a lot of the names I like, as I've vetoed a lot of his suggestions too. But is it really horribly selfish if I refuse to agree to a middle name that has huge sentimental value - because I don't like it?

DH has said we can drop it if I really don't like it, but I know he badly wants it, and I know this will upset him, so maybe I'm being ridiculous? But I'll be upet if I have to spend years feeling ashamed to tell people my child's full name because I can't stand it. What would you do?

I think the whole process of naming a child, as a couple, is compromising, discussing and settling on names you can love, or at least like or think flow.

If you feel unhappy with a name, then you should try to compromise, and try and think of a new one, one which makes you both happy- although not your first choice name, as long as you feel comfortable with it.

If you dislike the name then, as it is both your children, you should be able to veto it.

Middle names can be to put names you don't want to have as a first names, but because you, and normally only close people to your child and you, will know the middle name, I think middle names can be very important, as they're the you bit which you only share with a few people. Everyone your child knows in life will know the first name, but middle names are just for some people, a private little part of your child and their name, which you should like as much as their first name.

If it has an important family connection, like the name I wanted as a middle name for DD3 (DH hated it btw), then work on that. Middle names, nicknames, important things. We settled on a name meaning 'rose' because one of my biggest memories of my grandmother was her pottering about in her garden which had loads of roses, and sometimes giving me sugar rose petals, or letting me help pick or water them. I think it was a good idea, we had a name we both liked and it contained an important, treasured memory of my grandma, and some of my favourite, everyday childhood moments which make up my grandmother. Is there anything like that for your DH?

We don't have middle names and neither do either of our DC. problem solved!

Am baffled by those who say middle names don't get used. They're in your passport, on your marriage certificate, stuff HMRC sends in the post, on noticeboards at uni, in a million other places.

Skratta That's so lovely about choosing Rose.

It's not using verbally though, in every day living, I think that's what other posters are getting at, OP.

*used

Jess - seriously think of 10 people you know and now think of their middle names?

They just aren't really used at all in day to day life.

But its up to both of you what you call your child but I personally wouldn't worry too much about a middle name. My DD has the same middle name as my mother and grandmother - its a nice name but not amazing but I chose it because of the family connection.

I know loads of my friends' middle names.

And even if they're not used in day-to-day life, they are used at times - you can't just forget about them.

Find it v. odd that people think they matter so little but each to their own I guess, thanks for all your replies.

I call my son his first and middle name, not all the time, but often.

I would concentrate on having the baby first and perhaps maturing a little.

The other thing is, no matter how much you love your chosen name, when you make the announcement a lot of people will secretly dislike it. There is no point naming a child because you are worried what other people think (unless yu are calling him John Thomas or Richard head or something)

Hopefully his grandad had a middle name you like and can compromise on and then it won't be an issue!

Unless it is positively bully- worthy, then you are mean to stop him using it.

If you have two middle names you don't use them remotely often unless you're in certain legal fields where every single document has your middle names on although one uses one's initials far more often.

I use my middle name so infrequently that I think it sounds weird with my married surname. I use my brother's (family) middle name so infrequently I forgot what it was and had to be reminded.

There is a hideous family name that I would feel obliged to use should we have a DC3. It would utterly out me as I've never heard it outside the family. If yours is less identifying than that, could you give us a list of similar names including it, to see how ugly or otherwise we think it? You might garner suggestions for modernisations too.

eg

Cecil
Ernest
Frederick
Francis
Maurice

Both my children have middle names I don't particularly like at face value. But they were chosen in honour of much-loved relatives, and I am of the school of thought that thinks that's what middle names are for. When people hear what their middle names are, they often ask 'Is that a family name?' and when I explain who they are named after the response is always 'Oh how lovely'.

I don't give a flying fart if someone in a passport office somewhere thinks they are unpleasant/old fashioned.

It sounds like you'd already made up your mind before you posted, anyhow.

Given that the OP has experience of living with a middle name that she hates I don't think it is unreasonable at all that she doesn't want to do the same thing to her child. Names are really important in my book.

OP I'm glad your dh has agreed not to use the name. Personally I think it is very important that both parents are 100% happy about all the names they give to their children.

My sister has an awful middle name (together with two fairly mainstream names) which she has totally dropped but it still causes her pain whenever it has to be used (for example at her wedding). I'm not sure what my parents were thinking of to be honest.

HoratiaWinwood it's one of the ones in your list! That alone wouldn't put me just in combo with other stuff I have posted on MN.

Am intrigued by all the responses and different perspectives - I don't think I had made my mind up before I posted but I did pretty soon after as I felt my own reaction to what people said.

I'm sure we can find another solution. Thanks all.

Put me? Should have said out me!

Tee hee that's funny. Some of them are our family names which is why I thought of them.

See, although I think giving most of those (except perhaps Freddie) as a first name would be condemning the child to a hellish school life, I don't think any of them is particularly exceptionable as a second middle name.

James Alexander Cecil Smith - it will be absolutely blatantly obvious that Cecil is a family name. Alternatively, wait for a girl and give middle name Cecilia.

I do not think either of you should agree to a name you don't like. We had a baby name book (no internet in those days) and both of us drew up short lists. The first lists had no names in common. We then made two more lists. One name then came up on both lists and that's the one we chose. Her second name was my first name.

I see you are not pregnant yet - other names may occur to you in the meantime. Don't sweat it now, give it more thought when you are pregnant or even leave it until the baby is born. You have 42 days from the birth in which to register a baby's name.

My DM's name is Doris, and at 86 she has always hated it with a passion, and is known by a short form. She threatened to kill me if I used it for DD .

When we were trying to choose a boy's name for what turned out to be DD, we agreed on DH's GF's name. Obviously we didn't use it, but DH has since commented that he wouldn't want to use it on a DS if we had one now as he hadn't really appreciated quite how DD would turn out to be herself and therefore deserved her own name rather than a recycled one.

Im finding it a little difficult to understand why this is causing you so much distress at this stage. Youre not pregnant and if you are lucky enough to get to the stage of having a baby theres a 50% chance it will be a girl. For now I would focus on conceiving and reducing unnecessary stress levels. And if the biggest problem you have throughout conception, pregnancy and childbirth is disliking a potential middle name for a potential boy, then count yourself very blessed.

I agreed to a suggestion of DH's for DD's middle name that I was a bit surprised by at first - but not one I hated. When he told me the reasons he liked it I thought they were quite cute, and warmed to the idea quite a bit. So we went for it ! Whoever comes up with a name suggestion it's nice if, to some extent, all names given to DC's can feel like a joint choice. I think it's good and quite generous - quite right too - of your DH to say you don't have to go with his suggestion if you really hate the name. Seems like you have a good relationship, which ultimately matters even more than the names chosen. ie. it's the process that matters too, as well as the outcome !

I have two middle names and official documents only ever use the first one. Apart from the bank who just use the two middle initials. Guy on the phone at the bank asked me what. The Z stood for as he was curious so it obviously wasn't on their system even though the Z is the first of the two middle names.
I would use two middle names and stick it second

OP - you put your middle name on a lot of official documents, but don't use it unless you want to for every day, and if you know all your friends' middle names that might be because you are sensitive about your name and more likely to have had conversations about it/asked what the "L" in their middle innital was for/noticed when you've seen an official document and remembered it etc. I would say of my closest 5 friends I don't know their middle names.

I refused to give my son his dad's sir name as I knew we weren't going to end up together (he cheated A LOT while I was pregnant) but to be fair to him I allowed our son to have my ex's surename as his middle. (Charles it works) I didn't like it n have never had to use it since registering his birth n him at the doctors so it's all good. Just do it for an easy life.

I have two middle names and there's never enough room to write the second one on forms. So I mostly just miss it off. It's my grandma's middle name and she loves that I have it too. Idon't tell her that I've mostly abandoned it.