Have you/would you change your own first name?

[MadBusLady]

WWYD? I hate my first name. I've always hated it. It sounds ugly to me, it has an atypical spelling which means I'm constantly correcting people, and I was teased about it at primary school which I remember vividly for some reason. I actually sound apologetic when I introduce myself, which probably sets the tone for many interactions I happen to have a totally kick-ass surname, and seriously I prefer it when people call me that!

Every few years I get worked up about it and wonder if I should change it, but maybe it is too late now (I am early 30s)? Has anyone ever done this or wanted to? Is it just a totally pretentious and weird thing to do? Have you ever known a case of a namechange leading to everlasting happiness, confidence, weight loss, world domination etc?

I have an unusual spelling for my first name, but I love it and have learned to relax over the inevitable misspellings.

I do know someone who chose to be known by her middle name when she went to university. It was odd for a time, and now she's reverted to the name we knew her by. Perhaps you could try out a new name for a while.

Sorry, not much help, but didn't want to leave you unanswered.

Thanks Funnybird. Yes, it's the reversion that would worry me. Maybe I am doomed . Did she decide as a positive choice that she preferred her original name, or did it just kind of slip back?

My dad wanted to call me Gabrielle or Fabienne but was outvoted. How cool would that have been??

I would like to. Have at times thought about it.

But I don't know how you would convince people who have known you for years/family to adopt the new name.

I was under the impression that you can just tell people you know want to be known as 'so-and-so' and just use your real name officially. I don't know if you can change a first name by deed poll like a surname - maybe that'd make it more persuasive for people you know to use the new name.

I think there would be a mix of opinions over what people think at you doing it,so I reckon you would need to be prepared that some may be less than nice (but maybe I'm just paranoid).I think a hard hat and thick skin for a bit of (hopefully) temporary ribbing may be needed,but who knows????

Do whatever makes you happy,for you.

We were just bewildered that her new friends knew her by a different name. She didn't tell us that she wanted the change. I don't know why it slipped back, we didn't keep much in contact while she was away and have since reconnected. It would definitely be quite an effort to get all your existing friends, family and colleagues etc to cooperate, but I think it might be worth it to get a name you feel comfortable with.

I want to do it but I daren't! And we named DD the name I would have wanted to change mine to! I know two people who have done it. One made up a name which rhymes with her original name and everyone calls her by her new name. But I didnt know her by her original name so I dont know how the transition went. And a friend of mine changed his too but is still known by the shortened version of his old one. Eg he is called Joe but changed it from Joseph to Johanne. What would you like to be called?

My SIL uses a name that's not her real name. English isn't her first language and she doesn't like the way English speakers pronounce her proper name, so she picked something else (she was in her 30s at the time).

Luckily for her everyone has only known her in her adopted name, so that is 'her' IYSWIM. It's not so easy with people who've always known you as the other name.

She didn't do it officially, so when they got married it was in her 'real' name. I assume her passports etc is also in her real name.

I wish I could do it, and there have been several opportunities in life when starting a new job etc that I could have done, but I can't think of an alternative. Like you I hate my name, and everybody spells it wrong, and/or lengthens it :(

By the way I have moved house recently and started introducing myself with my full name eg Isabella instead of everyone just calling me Belle as I prefer the full version and DP is also trying to call me by my proper name which I prefer. Is this an option for you?

I don't think it's ever too late. I know a Kathleen who's now a Casey. I've only ever known the latter but think that was a change for the best.

I think that maybe introducing a new name within the workplace would be harder than with family and friends.

Reddaisy, longer version not an option sadly, in fact it's part of the problem! I'm an Alix. Not an Alexandra, or even a more commonly spelt Alex. An Alix. Thanks, parents . There's no name I really, really love, though I do feel a bit cheated out of Gabrielle!

I don't like Alexandra, and everyone would shorten it anyway which would defeat the object. So what I'm vaguely wondering is whether Alice would be possible. That's not so different (but the sound and spelling makes a world of difference to me), and my parents call me Ali anyway for some reason (nobody else does). I wouldn't even have to change my email address, which only has my initials.

And re: workplaces, new jobs etc, part of the reason I'm wondering this now is that I'm slightly in a transition phase of life. I'm freelance at the moment so I can announce I wish to be known as Hephzibah-Jane Crumpetslinger if I want and the people I met next month would never know any different.

That leaves close mates, DP and DP's family. And my brother who got given a perfectly nice, normal name, the lucky sod . It would be weird at first (for me too). Not sure. I'm encouraged to hear some people have managed it.

I'd go for it! Really I would!

You never know when you might be in a similar position again.

In your situation,could your DP and his family just call you Ali if there's any issues? And your friends should happily oblige if they know its important as it's not a difficult or dramatic change.

Why don't you just have the spelling changed to the more conventional form? That way you still have the same name but don't have to fiddle about correcting people's spelling. Perhaps that would help with the confidence issues that seem to have been associated with your name. Or just shorten it, if possible...

I know two people who have done this - both as adults over the age of 35.

DP's brother changed his name (but not officially) - he changed his first name and surname and there was a period of about two years where his family still called him by his 'real' name; now, apart from his mum, they all use his 'chosen' first name. I am not sure what they do with his surname - it's not like they use it much in conversation. I don't know his reasons behind doing this (although his real first name is the same as DP's middle name which I always thought was a bit odd). In the rest of his life, I think he just changed his name and that was that - professionally he travels around DJ-ing and making music/records so is something of a free spirit anyway and has never had an office job with colleagues who would find a new name strange.

Then I know someone else who changed his name officially - although all he did was swap round the two first names so he is now officially known by his middle name. He actually did this professionally first - he owns his own business and it was already called his middle name/last name; lots of his friends have alternated between calling him his middle name and his first name since they were kids. I am not sure whether his parents call him original name or whether they too now use his middle name (which is the nn version - so for example, if his original middle name had been Daniel, his new 'official' name is Danny).

Oh and slightly different but I also know two transgender people. One whose family fully accept him and call him by his chosen male name and one whose mum still insists on using an original male name even though she is now post-op and has been for several years.

I think if I knew you in rl I would have no problem with you telling me that you had chosen a new name so I say go for it if you feel strongly about it.

I did it, like you no new e mail adddress needed, I did it by deed poll it was a bit of a pain informing bank, getting new passport etc but it has made the world of difference to me. For some reason my younger sister still calls me by my former name , as does my Dad but i know have a little sigh rather than get annoyed.

I have a totally different name to the one on my birth certificate. No one really called me by my first name as I had a nickname as a child.

At school I tried to shorten my name but didn't like any of the shortened ones. A friend of the family suggested a different name, I liked it and chose to be known as that, but I was a child not an adult.

I was known as this name for ages but it was clearly difficult at school as everyone knew me by my original name.

When I went to Uni my new name was the only name everyone knew me by so that was much easier.

I had it changed by deed poll.

The known as option is a PITA, because you always get someone trying to make you use it.

If you want to change it, then do it and do it by deed poll. My parents and siblings called me by my new name. Only one person refused, so I never spoke to her again My Mum said, who the hell does she think she is to dictate what you call yourself if your Dad and I are fine with it and we were the ones who gave you the original name! I love my Mum.

"Have you ever known a case of a namechange leading to everlasting happiness, confidence, weight loss, world domination etc? "

No. In my experience people make their name, not the other way round. I know some great characters with, quite frankly, unusual/comical names who I greatly admire. Equally I know lots of people with bog standard names that are un-confident and not particularly happy.

In other words, I think you overemphasise the importance of a name, a collection of letters by which you're known.

I think I would definitely go down the deed poll route, yes, and do it properly. Or it's just inviting backsliding, particularly with a very similar name.

Sophiesmummie, that is the essence of my worry really. Is it actually holding me back or would I introduce myself just as apologetically as "Alice"? I don't think I would, because the apologetic-ness comes from my expectation (often confirmed) that people will have some sort of difficulty with it, particularly if they are having to write it down, and that there'll be the same bloody kerfuffle every time before we can approach the main subject of the conversation. When I was at school, for some reason girls weren't called Alex or any variant of it (it's more common now, there must have been a glut of us). I had teachers who called me Alexandra genuinely thinking that must be my name, because only boys could be called Alix. They weren't terribly bright teachers, it must be said.

It has left me with a bit of a complex about it, but if I've not got over that in twenty-mumble years, then maybe it's time to cut my losses and just change the bloody thing rather than trying to power through it.

DP has just emailed to say I can change it if I like but seeing my name written down makes him go soppy, the silly so-and-so

Thanks all anyway. Useful feedback

Interesting thread- Certainly useful for those thinking of giving their child a "different" name...
FWIW, I think Alix is a pretty cool name. I think it's more a question of your confidence than the actual name... Don't apologise for it! "Hi, I'm Alix... No, not Alex, Alix with an i. It's French."

I went through a period of finding my name a bit of a bother- not disliking it, exactly, but it's very very unusual, with a weird spelling, and lots of teasing potential (though I was teased for my fat arse rather than my name :o ) I did think a lot about what I'd like to be called instead, and thought how I would feel better with a more common name... But I didn't change it.
Then my mother died, and then I had my own children. Those things taught me to LOVE my name, because it was the first thing my mother ever bestowed upon me- The first gift I was ever given.

(Disclaimer: I am a romantic fool)

It's funny you mention the French thing. The only time I have ever slightly liked my name was when I introduced myself to a lovely old Oxford don and he got really animated and said "Were your parents French medievalists?" No, just awkward!

If I ever moved to France (no plans to alas!) I would probably be a bit happier with it because it's less unusual there, which might help me let go of the associated baggage a little. But then "Alice" would be fine in France too, so that eventuality remains covered

I know what you mean about the "gift" thing, in that I do feel genuinely troubled about "refusing" a name parents gave me. In fact I was wondering if they need ever know, since they call me a nickname anyway...

Oh, I know of an Alix! FWIW, the first time I saw her name written down, my thoughts were 'ooo, her parents must be a bit wacky... But it's more interesting than bog standard Alex... I like it!'
If I were you, I wouldn't change it, and stop apologising for it, it's fine!

I'm afraid that is sort of at the root of why I don't like it, Whispers. I don't want everyone's first thought about me to be about my "wacky" name. It just gets in the way. The reason I feel I have to apologise is precisely that people will sometimes stop and look at me as if I've grown a second head (albeit sometimes an appealing one), and say "Oh, that's interesting/nice/French/wacky!" and I just hate it. I find it ever so slightly rude. Why do we have to stand here debating why my identity is as it is, and whether or not THEY approve of it?! Nobody would meet someone new and say, "Oh, that's an unusual-shaped nose you've got but, you know, I really like it!"

So my choice is either shuffle around and be all "Yes, well, you know, dunno what my parents were thinking really" OR get cross with them, and currently I go for apologetic.

I'm sorry, I know sound a bit stroppy, it's totally not your fault. It's just a lifetime of the "wacky" response does start to get to you after a while.

Oh, I am so sorry, I don't mean to offend, that was the least of my intentions

If it helps, my thoughts could be unusual in that I am very interested in people's names and still tend to have a little think about the origins of the names of people I meet, even the really boring ones! I've been like that more since I named my own children, as I realise now how difficult it is to name a child! Anyway, sorry, I'm waffling, my point was that I don't think most people give other people's names a second thought, it could be that you are reading too much into others reactions. It's most definitely not wacky enough for me to have ever mentioned it to anyone else who doesn't know her! I feel I may be digging myself into a hole here, I'm sorry I'll just end by saying that I think it's nice (in a very bog standard boring way, not a wacky way!)

It's ok Whispers, sorry I was a bit stroppy

You're totally right I am over-sensitive to it. TBH I used to have even more openly incredulous reactions to my name under about aged 10 than I do now, and I think that was what did the harm. Children and adults (who should have known better) alike really used to look at me as if I was from Mars - not just for having an oddly spelled name, but for having an oddly spelled BOY'S name, which for a little girl was just mortifying. Alex is more common now for women thankfully so it's not such a leap, but for some reason that whole group of names was very unusual for girls in the area/time I grew up. I now know of loads of Alexes, and even the occasional Alix, who are 4/5 years younger than me. I think it also helps that we've had lots of immigration over the past couple of decades and people are more used to coming across unfamiliar names they can't spell.