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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Name stealing etiquette

25 replies

reddaisy · 29/08/2011 20:47

I don't really consider it name stealing actually but we are planning to name our next DC the same name as one of my friend's DS.

We see said friend around once a year and this was always the name we liked for a DS (we already have a DD) and it has got a family connection for us and it is top 10 so hardly unique.

Anyway, we know the sex of our DC but we aren't announcing it until the birth so the first my friend will know is when DP contacts everyone to let them know the baby has arrived. Would it be better if I forewarned her as I know people get funny about these things? Or just let her receive the blanket text that everyone will get?

And no, we don't like any other name half as much so we aren't prepared to change it!

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mopsyflopsy · 29/08/2011 20:51

I'd definately mention it to your friend beforehand.

NickNacks · 29/08/2011 20:51

Wait till she gets the text when he's born.

TBH I've been in your friends postion - twice! With the same friend! We have two children now with the same name and at first i was a bit but to be honest they are both top twenty names and if i think they sound lovely together then i can hardly be surprised if someone else thinks it too!

Good luck x

Kirstle · 29/08/2011 20:51

I wouldn't forewarn her unless you are letting close family members know too. I know if my parents found out that someone knew before they did, they would hate it. Let her receive the text - maybe add something on to it like ''obviously I know you are a fan of the name ;)'' or something personal to make her see that you are acknowledging it, but not apologising for it. Can we ask what the name is? :)

A1980 · 29/08/2011 20:53

Nobody owns a name. If the name you have chosen is in the top 10, it is harldy surprising that two people who are friends like the same name.

Don't forewarn her, it's nobody's business. Let her know when he's born.

MmeLindor. · 29/08/2011 20:53

I would not forewarn her unless you are ready to negotiate, if she really is upset by this.

And since you are not prepared to change it, then it is better to present her with a fait accompli

SquongebobSparepants · 29/08/2011 20:55

I really hope this thread is not what I think it is.

lostinindia · 29/08/2011 20:57

^ huh?

TheOriginalFAB · 29/08/2011 20:58

Blanket text.

By "warning" her beforehand you make it a huge deal when really it isn't.

RockStockAndTwoOpenBottles · 29/08/2011 20:59

No one owns a bloody name ffs.

bigbadtiger · 29/08/2011 21:03

Just announce it. If you chose a top 10 name then there shouldnt be any surprise when lots of other people choose it too.

rachel234 · 29/08/2011 21:05

I seem to be in the minority but if it was a good, trusted friend of mine I'd probably want to tell her beforehand.

Original poster

reddaisy · 29/08/2011 21:06

I know no-one owns a name and DP thinks I am being ridiculous even thinking about this but I don't want to upset my friend and sometimes when it comes to our children we can all be a bit irrational.

I don't want to look like I am asking permission because I am certainly not but I thought it might look a bit "off" if she realises I have known since 20 weeks that I was going to name a son the same name as hers.

Kirstle, I like your text suggestion, I might try that.

OP posts:

notlettingthefearshow · 29/08/2011 21:14

I would tell her. She doesn't have the right to object but she has the right to feel annoyed - I probably would. The best you can do is present it as flattery.

No, no one owns a name. But still. There are plenty of other great names out there.

Tuschinski · 29/08/2011 21:18

When it's a top 10 name I wouldn't give it a second thought and would just tell her when telling everyone else.

Original poster

reddaisy · 29/08/2011 21:20

Part of me wants to tell her as I don't even want it to cross my mind as an issue after the birth but as no-one else knows the sex then I don't want to tell her just because she already has a DS with the same name as it does seem to give it more importance than it deserves.

If it was unusual or if we saw each other regularly, I think I would hunt for another name but this feels like the name of our son IFYSWIM so I am loathe to change it and DP wouldn't compromise on a name for this reason anyway.

Someone at work has also announced that they are having a boy and they are naming it this name as well so there will be plenty of them out there!

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Original poster

reddaisy · 29/08/2011 21:22

Tuschinski - that's the thing with top 10 names, I know pretty much a child for every name on the list so it would just be swapping the names around but with a different friend who had got there first! At least this friend is hundreds of miles away!

OP posts:

notlettingthefearshow · 29/08/2011 22:19

If the name is that popular then don't bother telling her - she probably already knows someone with that name already!

SouthernFriedTofu · 29/08/2011 22:21

I think if this was a sibling who had a child with the same name, you would owe it to them to ask permission. To a friend you see once a year let them know when everyone else does. Oh and if the kid had a really unusal name I would think it only fair that you asked permission to "steal" little Gandolph Beeelzebub Jones' name but not a top 10 one, no.

lolajane2009 · 29/08/2011 22:26

I'd pnly ask permission if it was unusual, but from what you said it isnt.

Bandwithering · 29/08/2011 22:26

I agree, with a popular name (in the top 20, maybe even 40) then there's just bound to be somebody in your acquaintance who already has one.

PelvicFloorsOfSteel · 29/08/2011 22:28

I wouldn't even be thinking about this if you only see her once a year, warning in advance makes it sound more like you've just picked the name because of her not the top 10/family connection.
If it's that popular she probably already has friends with DC who share the same name.

scottishmummy · 29/08/2011 22:31

just do it.dont fanny about telling her prior to birth.it makes it see, as if you're asking for permission.and as you say you wont change it anyway

there is no name etiquette.just hissy types who think they own a name or have dibs

cloudydays · 29/08/2011 22:33

I think it's less about the 'top ten' thing and more about the fact that you have a family connection to the name. You would have every right to use any name you wanted (of course), but especially when it's a family name, it's completely unreasonable for anyone to object because they also have a dc with the name.

Do people know that you know the sex? If not, could you tell your friend that "if it's a boy, we'll be naming him after [family member]". As Kirsty suggests, there are ways to acknowledge that she used the name first, without apologising for using it yourself.

Can't imagine what Squongebob is on about - how sinister could a thread like this possibly be?!

TheSecondComing · 29/08/2011 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

reddaisy · 29/08/2011 22:48

When we were both pregnant with our first children (both DDs), I said this name would be what we would call the baby if it was a DS so several years ago I mentioned the family connection etc. At the time it was a bit of an issue as my sister had just dated someone with the name who had cheated on her and broken her heart so she was completely anti us using it! Fortunately she is now happily married to someone else so I don't have to worry about her feelings this time.

I have no idea whether my friend remembers that conversation or not and yes she does know that we know what the sex is so I can't now say it will be x for a DD and Y for a DS. I think I will go with Kirstle's suggestion after he arrives, hopefully she will think we both have good taste!

Spongebob obviously thinks I'm a troll of some kind. I suppose this is one of those topics that comes up regularly on mumsnet but normally from the other perspective.

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