And prayers please, hundreds of prayers if you are that way inclined.
I had my 20 week scan yesterday - actually was a rescan as baby was so wriggly at 20 weeks that they couldn't get all the data necessary.
Data required came back fine and sonographer said 'let's just have a check over rest of baby to make sure all ok' - of course I thought fine.
She then said she had seen something on baby's brain that didn't look quite right and brought in another sonographer as a second opinion who agreed.
I was booked in for a scan with a consultant this morning at 9am who has confirmed that likelihood that baby has vein of galen malformation - a very very rare condition, especially when diagnosed at this stage in pregnancy, and overall only 1 in 1 million chance of having the prognosis. I am that one.
It's not looking good. I have to go for an MRI on Friday morning and then will be referred to GOSH for specialist care. It is likely that even if I decide to carry on with the pregnancy it will fail due to heart failure.
I can't believe I'm fucking writing this. I don't know what to do.