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Original poster

Very bad news at 12w scan, any experience and advice welcome

139 replies

Monten · 08/01/2014 18:37

Hi, first time poster here. I've lurked for a while, on TTC boards, frantically symptom spotting, delightedly on Pregnancy boards after getting pregnant in November, and now I find myself here. I've read a lot of stories already that have been so helpful and comforting to me and am in awe at how positive and brave you all sound.

If it's okay I'd like to share my story and perhaps get some advice, because I am so devastated and scared right now.

I'm 36 and this is my first pregnancy. My DP and I went for our 12 week scan last night and it didnt go well. The nuchal measurement was 8 - which I know is pretty much off the scale. Additionally, she could see a problem with the heart (its leaking) and could see no nasal bone or stomach (altho didn't say that neither existed - but it seems likely that must be the case).

They gave us odds of 1 in 11 for Downs, 1 in 2 for one of the other Trisomies. We had a CVS straight away.

So all in all a very bleak picture. Even if the initial CVS is clear, they know already there are heart abnormalities which would require further investigation. She seemed to imply that she was surprised I hadnt miscarried already and that this could definitely still be on the cards.

I'm hoping against hope we get the initial results on Friday and don't have to wait the weekend. It seems to me very obvious that it will ultimately be bad news.

I feel like a terrible person who has given up on my baby but part of me is hoping that it comes back positive for one of the Trisomies. Because I'm so scared about having to make the decision to terminate and I can only assume it will be easier if we have a very definitive diagnosis. Also, if its going to happen I just feel like I want it to happen so I can move on. But again, I feel so terrible for saying that.

She looks so sweet and I was so happy and I just cant believe this has happened. I was so worried about a MMC and as soon as I saw the heartbeat I was so relived. I just didnt consider this possibility.

I would be grateful for any replies from people who can share any experiences. You all sound so strong and this is the most frightening thing thats ever happened to me, I hope some of your strength will rub off on me.

OP posts:
stickysausages · 13/01/2014 17:05

I'm so sorry x

grobagsforever · 13/01/2014 17:09

Saw your other post Monten - I'm so sorry. x

Original poster
Monten · 13/01/2014 17:13

Hi everyone

Just called the hospital and got the results. Our baby has Edwards Syndrome.

It's a boy.

I'm quite numb actually. Tears initially, now numb.

I think we will almost certainly terminate - with total respect for every spectrum of choice out there and all the varying experiences of women on this thread. This is the right thing to do for us.

The person I spoke to (she didnt even tell me her name and whether she was a consultant or a nurse thinking back on it - is that normal?) asked if I wanted a surgical termination and that if I did the wait is sometimes longer. She's going to call back tomorrow and tell me just how much longer.

I feel like a surgical would be less traumatic for me but part of me thinks as his mum I should be awake when he dies Sad

Fuck.

Thanks for being there x

Hanzym I have been thinking about you a lot but didn't want to post again on your thread, I figured you were taking some time. I hope it was okay

OP posts:
MrsT2007 · 13/01/2014 17:16

I had labour & delivery as was too far on for surgical. It wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be xxx

Ledkr · 13/01/2014 17:17

Good grief.
I just can't imagine how you must be feeling.
I hope you and your partner find the strength to go through the next steps.
Thinking of you both.

twentyten · 13/01/2014 17:20

so very sorry. thinking of you.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 13/01/2014 17:21

Oh love.
{{{{hug}}}} Sad Im so sorry.
FWIW id have made the same decision. Take care. x

MonsterMunchMe · 13/01/2014 17:26

I'm so sorry OP Sad

Whatever you decide will be the right decision.

Big hug and a hand hold xx

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 13/01/2014 17:27

Morten - is it okay if I send you a PM?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 13/01/2014 17:28

Maybe it would be better if I posted here?

PopiusTartius · 13/01/2014 17:29

I am so very sorry Montem.

Virtual handholding, tissues and gin being sent your way.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 13/01/2014 17:29

Sorry for getting your name wrong.

Original poster
Monten · 13/01/2014 18:01

Hi Toffee - feel free to post on here, I dont really know how PMs work.

Popius - funny you mention the gin, I was thinking before this is the toughest thing I've ever been through and I haven't even had a drink....that will change once this is over.

Thanks MrsT2007 - I will be 13 weeks on Wednesday which I thought was too far gone for surgical but I think it depends on the hospital.

She did say I might have to wait for that and anything longer than a couple of days feels unbearable right now.

OP posts:
SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 13/01/2014 18:06

Some alcohol won't do any harm... Just saying.

Although I did find out the hard way that alcohol and an emotional tightrope are not the best combination. Sad

ZingChoirsOfAngels · 13/01/2014 18:07

oh so sorry to hear Monten, devastating news Thanks

fuck indeed.Sad

It's going to be traumatic and heartbreaking - saying that you want to be awake when he dies is such a sweet, loving mum-thing to say, my heart goes out to you and your DH.

poor you. big hugs x

Hanzym · 13/01/2014 18:21

Of fuck Monten! Life is so unfair sometimes!
I'm so sorry you have to go through this, it seems I don't know anyone that's been through this then on here there's too many unfortunate results, the next steps for you will be hard but take some comfort in if you decide to terminate the decision is taken out of your hands as it's not compatible with life, that helped me through Thursday and Friday, the small bit that could help!
I'm doing ok, taking it day by day, my heart is heavy today but I am expecting that it will be for a while to come and just to get through the grief! If you want to talk anymore or just need a hand to hold feel free to PM me!
Good luck with the next few days, lots of hugs
Xxx

AliBingo · 13/01/2014 18:23

So sorry to hear the bad news. On my phone so can't post much but I had medical termination at 16 weeks and it wasn't that bad physically, happy to answer any questions etc in due course.

Sorry again, terrible news. Thinking of you.

InOtherNews · 13/01/2014 18:24

Thinking of you. We had bad news at 20 weeks and it all seems such a blur now looking back. I wish I'd known then how we were not alone, it helps. As someone said up thread, one hour at a time, one foot in front of the other. I wish I could help.

CrispyFB · 13/01/2014 18:35

I am so, so sorry Sad Wishing you lots of peace in the upcoming hours, days and weeks.

The Miscarriage Association is a good place to turn if it gets a bit much.

Very much thinking of you.

Marma1ad3 · 13/01/2014 18:43

Thinking of you monten x sorry we both got shit news x

ClaraDeLaNoche · 13/01/2014 19:12

So sorry for you Monten, what an awful time for you. I am thinking about you.

duchesse · 13/01/2014 19:21

I am so sorry Monten. May you heal quickly.

Pawprint · 13/01/2014 19:29

So very sorry; the child I lost to trisomy 13 was so precious and so missed, along with his/her miscarried siblings.

Edwards is a cruel, sad condition and I know you love your little boy very much.

Pawprint · 13/01/2014 19:31

Meant to add that IMO you are doing the best for your son and the kindness and love you have, in making this heartbreaking decision, is the mark of a loving parent.

MrsT2007 · 13/01/2014 20:11

Agreed; I couldn't bear the thought of carrying on, knowing the pregnancy was doomed.

I so remember the feeling of wanting it to just be over. I think I went down to hospital almost straight after the call and consultant saw us.

The team at the hospital were great, really helpful, kind and caring. I really hope you get a team like that. When we were expecting L they booked me in for nuchal and bloods on first possible day, got express results etc as it was Christmas when we had them. They couldn't have done more.

The next few days will be an odd blur, and once you get out the other side of the physical process, be prepared for it to clobber you mentally. It's real, proper grief. Allow yourself the anger, guilt, whatever emotions you feel are valid and need feeling and allowing to pass. Tending my memorial rose for my little boy really helped. I brought some of the flowers in during that summer, and his ashes were scattered under it.

Eventually it subsides. Once I got past my due date that was like another weight lifted....& then a month later I was pregnant. I'm sure my friend was right when she said I needed to get past that date before I got pregnant again....