Very bad news at 12w scan, any experience and advice welcome

[Monten]

Hi, first time poster here. I've lurked for a while, on TTC boards, frantically symptom spotting, delightedly on Pregnancy boards after getting pregnant in November, and now I find myself here. I've read a lot of stories already that have been so helpful and comforting to me and am in awe at how positive and brave you all sound.

If it's okay I'd like to share my story and perhaps get some advice, because I am so devastated and scared right now.

I'm 36 and this is my first pregnancy. My DP and I went for our 12 week scan last night and it didnt go well. The nuchal measurement was 8 - which I know is pretty much off the scale. Additionally, she could see a problem with the heart (its leaking) and could see no nasal bone or stomach (altho didn't say that neither existed - but it seems likely that must be the case).

They gave us odds of 1 in 11 for Downs, 1 in 2 for one of the other Trisomies. We had a CVS straight away.

So all in all a very bleak picture. Even if the initial CVS is clear, they know already there are heart abnormalities which would require further investigation. She seemed to imply that she was surprised I hadnt miscarried already and that this could definitely still be on the cards.

I'm hoping against hope we get the initial results on Friday and don't have to wait the weekend. It seems to me very obvious that it will ultimately be bad news.

I feel like a terrible person who has given up on my baby but part of me is hoping that it comes back positive for one of the Trisomies. Because I'm so scared about having to make the decision to terminate and I can only assume it will be easier if we have a very definitive diagnosis. Also, if its going to happen I just feel like I want it to happen so I can move on. But again, I feel so terrible for saying that.

She looks so sweet and I was so happy and I just cant believe this has happened. I was so worried about a MMC and as soon as I saw the heartbeat I was so relived. I just didnt consider this possibility.

I would be grateful for any replies from people who can share any experiences. You all sound so strong and this is the most frightening thing thats ever happened to me, I hope some of your strength will rub off on me.

How are you feeling monten? You have been so strong no matter what you think.

Still thinking of you monten. As you know I had a termination this week. It was actually a really lovely experience. The labour was fine, and because of the pain killers was very mild. The delivery was fine to and the midwife took baby to check they were OK and to be able to tell us if any problems before we saw them.

She was amazing. Totally amazing.

We spent a couple of hours with baby, it felt so right and if felt so anxious about it beforehand.

If you want to message me please do, I'll answer any questions you may have if I can x

Obviously I mean a lovely experience compared to what I was worried about. Id scared and confused beforehand. After I'm so pleased that I did it, because it took the fear away and was as good as it could be in the circumstances

marma

so sorry about having to go through it, though I'm glad you feel peaceful about how it went.

I wish you all the best as well and big hugs.

So sorry Monten and everyone on the thread who has been through similar.

I had a termination in November due to abnormalities (they thought Edwards too). It's so very sad. The procedure, for me, was a lot more straight forward than i thought.

Hope you're ok xx

Thanks everyone, I'm doing okay. The termination was on Thursday, I opted for surgical. It was fine. It was a mixed ward, so lots of different people having different ops, which was a bit weird. But it was fine and over in a flash. Some light cramping, a bit of bleeding for a day, both of which have now completely stopped.

Marma - was thinking of you too, am so glad it was okay, sounds like it was a healing experience. It makes me a bit that we didn't go down the medical route but I think as I was only 13 weeks it would have been a different experience anyway. I don't know.

The day before I asked the midwife what they did with the baby and she said it is disposed of 'humanely'. We asked if there was an option to have the ashes and she seemed to think you couldn't with the surgical route, in a mixed ward like we were, but said we were welcome to try and ask when we got there. DP was really keen but I'm afraid I had gone into shutdown mode by then so just wasn't up for making anything more complicated than it had to be. I swear I shut down about 90% of my brain over those few days. I'm sad about it now. Sad that I didn't let him try too - he wanted to feel part of it and I didn't really let him.

I'm doing alright now but can't seem to shake this feeling of guilt. Not guilt that I did it (I know it was really the only decision we could have made) but guilt about how I'm feeling. Guilty that I'm enjoying not feeling sick for the first time in weeks. Guilty that I enjoyed a glass of wine. Guilty that I seem be more sad for myself than I am for the poor baby.

Is that normal?

Sorry - that was a bit longer than I intended!

Yes it's normal Monten and no one can tell you what is or what isn't normal. The thing with the surgical route is like you said, it's over so quickly and you don't really have time to digest what is happening. You just wake up and it's over. When I had it I was the same as you, granted, mine was nowhere near as bad as what you have gone through (it was a blighted ovum) but the day I got home I had a few vodka's and just felt a sense of relief that it was all over. One day at a time. X

I think that is a totally normal reaction op. You did do the only thing you could, in this situation.

You have faced and endured a devastating situation, and had to go through all those thoughts, facts and emotions in a veryshort space of time.

There will be tremendous relief, naturally, that you can concentrate on being the other side of this. You are allowed to feel 'better' and look to the future.

xxx

Sending my love to both of you. I'm so glad you are both through this now. Look after yourselves. xxx

God yes, com

God yes, completely normal reaction.

All your feelings are valid, & part of the recovery process.

Going into 'survival' mide very normal too

Be kind to yourself, it's a hell of a situation to go through, I know xxxx

darling Monten

it's you who are in pain - baby never knew or understood and was blissfully unaware.

and you are allowed to enjoy your wine and not that you are not feeling sick - if that's the only comfort and joy you are experiencing now who could possibly blame you for the blessing that is having some things that cheer you up?

Your heart will be broken for ever more, but your soul won't be.
feeling peaceful or having joy/enjoyment while mourning a tragic loss probably seems weird but it's a blessing, trust me.
those things will get you going and help you heal.

so embrace whatever makes you feel better. It's good.
(and I forbid you to feel guilty! )

*and that you're not feeling sick